Do you want to know a secret? My oldest son isn’t actually my son. He isn’t related to me in any way. He’s my step son. He lives in my house. I provide him a home, food, help with homework, the occasional game of catch. I teach him how to make a campfire, I talk to him about things he can’t talk about with his mother, like comic books and girls.

I instill in him my morals. I teach him right from wrong. I show him the world as I see it. I love him with all of my heart. I love him as though he were my ‘real’ son. I know that this is true. My younger son is my son. And I love him. My heart feels no asterisk when I love the older one. My heart doesn’t understand that I’m not his real Dad.

His ‘real’ dad is unemployed. His real dad is too disabled to work, yet no one has seen him use his cane outside of a courtroom. His real dad thinks computers are OK for some people, but he ‘just doesn’t understand those computers.’ His real dad’s world extends less than 20 miles in any direction. His real dad can’t read. His real dad lives in a dingy trailer in a dingy trailer park. When my son goes to his real dad’s ‘house,’ he plays video games by himself and plays with the girl next door. A girl who’s older sister is now a mother at age 16. His real dad says he would like to support his son, but he can’t work. His real dad says he would like to do things with him, but he’s too weak.

My son comes home angry. He hates it there. He knows that he is supposed to like this guy, (the real dad’s girlfriend and the real dad’s mother tell him so all the time,) but his real dad doesn’t even talk to him about anything. His real dad asks every time, ‘How’s school?’ ‘Are you staying out of trouble?’ but he never seems to remember what my son has told him. My son doesn’t want to be there. If that place was the home of one of his friends, I would not allow him to spend the night there. (I would have the friend come to my house.) Sometimes, especially when there are family gatherings, weekend trips, and the like, my son asks if he can not go to his real dad’s house. Sometimes my wife says that he doesn’t have to.

His real dad gets angry. He says we are keeping his son from him. His real dad once went over 10 months with out contacting my son. My son’s real dad can’t hold a job and has been excused from paying child support. My son’s real dad, however, can afford a lawyer. My son’s real dad’s lawyer says that my wife is in contempt of court for disobeying the court ordered visitation agreement. The lawyer did not mention the fact that sometimes my son’s real dad is unavailable to get him for the weekend. He did mention that the real dad did not get the two non-consecutive weeks of visitation that is his court ordered right. The lawyer did not mention that the real dad did not provide my wife with the dates of the two non-consecutive weeks by May 31 (as stipulated in the agreement.)

The courts think fathers must care for their sons. The courts are horrified because of the number of fatherless children in this country. The courts will go to great lengths to make sure that fathers and children have access to each other. Even if the father is a criminal. Even is the crime is child abuse. Even is the abuse is sexual. The courts are very clear, fathers will see their children. Children need fathers. My son’s real dad isn’t that bad. But then again, he isn’t very good either.

I am a geek. I know how to use google. I googled my son’s real dad’s lawyer. He specializes in personal injury, bankruptcy, and disability claims. The real dad says he thinks his injuries are getting worse, he may end up in a wheel chair.

The courts insist that my son needs a dad.

And I wonder…

what do they think I am?