I don’t blog as much as I used to.

I don’t blog as much as I want to.

I sit down with every intention to write something, but I don’t. Mostly, this is due to the fact that all of my post would sound the same.

My job frustrates me.
People are dumb.
I hate dumb people.
I hate dumb people on the internet.
I hate dumb people at work toady.
I went to the gym, there were dumb people there.
I hate that.

Do you want to read that? I don’t want to write it. It get’s stale after a while. My life is a bit stale, to tell the truth.

I’m a in a rut. Work does frustrate me. I could tell you all about it, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I don’t need to. Maybe work is simply a frustrating thing. I fear that my work frustration is far from unique. And that is depressing in and of itself. I mean, if I have to suffer like this, you would hope that at least it would make for an interesting story. But it doesn’t. It just makes for another guy bitching about his job.

I try not to dwell on work. I go to the gym nearly every night and run for 40 minutes. You’d think that this is the kind of activity that would make my life better. Help me feel healthier and happier. Who knows, maybe it does. But I’m still in a rut.

I know I mentioned it before, but it is so true. I want to pack my shit and go some where warm. Get a new job. How bad could it be? Even if the job sucked, when you were done work, you’d be in Florida anyways.

If I were single, I’d probably do it. But it’s a lot harder to figure how to afford to transplant a family. And let’s be honest here, there is nothing so unique or special in my skill set to make some one want to relocate me.

I try to amuse myself, to keep myself from dwelling on this shit.

And to that end, I’m gonna run Shitty Blog Survivor again and Shitty Blog Radio seems to have resurfaced. Of course, that nature of diversion has limited appeal.

For now I just look forward to my next backpacking trip. Currently, the forecast is for rain and snow. This will not do.

I hate this time of year.

I hate January.
It is a dark, cold and generally useless month.
I won’t be sad to see it go.
~~~
Less than two weeks till I go backpacking again.
I must have some sort of brain damage.
~~~
You made me smile today, even though you are having rough time. Thanks.
~~~
I wish I were a better writer. I enjoy it, but I don’t have stories to tell. Not really. What I write seems more like sketches. I’d love to write a novel, but I can’t even come up with a bad idea for a novel. I just hope that if I write enough of the sketches, I will find a story to weave around them.
~~~
I have been pretty good about going to the gym. I have been very god about sticking to my low calorie diet. I have lost about 15 pounds this month. I want to lose 10 more before I go backpacking.
~~~
I think I have finally grown bored of the Internet. I have spent a large part of the last ten years invested in the Internet. Overall, I’ve been disappointed.

I was watching Star Trek yesterday.

I watch Star Trek nearly everyday.

Yesterday, it was The Next Generation variety.

The episode was Tapestry.

Any episode with Q is worth watching, but this episode is probably one of the best they ever did.

The basic idea of the episode is this:

Captain Picard finds himself dead after a phaser blast (or some such thing) makes his artificial heart fail. In the afterlife he is greeted by the apparently omnipotent Q.

Q explains that the reason Picard is a dead is because of the artificial heart, had he still had his human heart he would be alive and well.

Q gives Picard the chance to go back and do it all over again, a chance to avoid the fight with an ugly alien that resulted in him getting a new heart.

Picard suddenly finds himself back in his 20-something self. He’s a Ensign just out of the Academy, out with his best friends from the Academy for one last weekend out, before they go to their first assignments as Star Fleet Officers.

Picard relives the weekend, this time with the perspective of a middle aged, successful Star Fleet Captain. He manages to prevent the fight with the Aliens from happening, and he never gets stabbed in the heart. As a result, he never gets an artificial heart.

Q returns him to the present, and Picard finds that he isn’t Captain of the Enterprise, he is a Lieutenant in Astrophysics who spends his days running reports and analyzing data. He is relieable, but unspectacular. He will never advance beyond this post in this new present.

Q visits Picard one last time. He explains that by avoiding that fight, the young Picard never found his life in danger, never decided to live for the now, never learned to take chances.

Or more simply put, his past, especailly the parts of it that he wasn’t proud of, were intregral to making him into the man that he became.

Q sends him back to his younger self again, this time Picard allows himself to be drawn into the fight, knowing full well that is could cost him his life in the present. Death, he decides, would be preferable to surviving as a man that is a pale imitation of his self.

This episode is great.

I have so many regrets about my past, and watching this episode always reminds me, that what I’ve experienced— good and bad— has made me who I am.

I still have room for improvement. (Lots of room.) But the place for improvement is right here and now, not in wishing that this or that had gone differently.

I have been thinking recently.

The above sentence is ridiculous on many levels.

I am always thinking.

“You think too much.”

You wouldn’t believe how often I’ve heard that.

But, as usual, I have been thinking. And what I have been thinking about is choices and risks.

I am risk adverse. I mean, I’m okay with Roller Coasters and Rock Climbing. Those kinds of things don’t scare me. But when it comes to ‘life decision’ things, I’m as conservative as Newt Gingrich.

I look around and I’m not happy with what I see. There is nothing special about where I live or the job that I have. I have family here, but we don’t see each other very often.

I think that I should pack my shit and move my family to somewhere new. Somewhere sunny. There are IT jobs everywhere and most of them probably pay better than the one I have.

I should do it. I should but I don’t.

The what if’s eat at me.

So I keep doing the same thing.

I don’t even know that this is a bad thing. I am what I am. I have a tremendous amount of respect for anyone who can just pack up and move to go get what they want.

Maybe the problem is that I don’t know what I want.

Maybe the problem is that I think too much.

Where have I been you ask?

That’s a funny kind of question, isn’t it? I’m right here where I’ve always been. But I know what you mean.

I haven’t felt like blogging. I’m not talking about the disgust or frustration that I usually find myself feeling about blogging. I just haven’t felt like it.

I sit down with this notion that I will blog, but instead I end up playing Pac Man for an hour.

Some times I think that I have something to say, but when I sit here in front of the ole super computer I don’t say it.

Go figure.

I guess it is part of an apathy that has been threatening to overwhelm me.

Or maybe its that my life is too boring to be put into words.

Or maybe, just maybe, I can’t remember why I blog.

I know why I started. At that time, I thought that I had something unique to say. But I’ve learned that I don’t. If the Internet teaches nothing, it should teach us that there is nothing new under the sun.

Let’s blame the short days and the unnaturally warm weather. (It’s true, I prefer warmer weather, but this has just seemed wrong.)

I’ve lost my center. I seem to be drifting. This happens from time to time. But I really need to get it back. Luckily, I have just remedy. I have a trip scheduled — yes a backpacking trip, is there any other kind — in early February. And I seem to recall that I swore to myself that I wouldn’t go backpacking in the cold of winter anymore. (It also occurs to me that I had made and broke that oath before.) But it is necessary. To attempt to limit the amount of freezing and shivering that will happen, I’ve rented two Cabins that we will hike to. The are equipped with fireplaces, wood stoves and four walls. It will be great.

And with any luck, I’ll be able to re-center myself.

At least, I hope I will.

Yes. I am going to say Brian Billick should be coach of the year. He won’t be. But he should be.

You should understand that I don’t say this simply because I’m a Ravens fan. Honestly, I was one of the ones who last year was calling for Billick to be fired. The team was a disaster. Ray Lewis was injured and not speaking to anyone. Jamal Lewis was mad at the terms of his new deal. The Defense was openly criticizing the Offense for not be able to stay in games. There was no discipline. And Billick instead of addressing it, made excuses for it.

By the end of the season, most people felt that he would (and should) be fired. But Biscotti did something rarely seen in pro sports. He held a press conference, with Billick in attendance, and announced to the media that Billick would not be fired, but he expected changes. He went on to list them. Billick would stop being so arrogant. He would stop condescending to the media. He would be more connected to the team. He would listen to players. He would stop being soft in practices and at training camp.

I think all of us have probably had, at some point or another, a conversation with a boss where that boss outlined how we could be a better employee. It’s not fun, especially, the points that we know are right. I cannot image how it would feel to have that conversation happen in front of the entire world, should they be inclined to watch.

By the time you read this, Sean Payton of the Saints will have won the Coach of the Year honors. And what he has done as a rookie coach has been impressive. But he’s had some help. The other new arrivals in the Big Easy (Drew Brees, Reggie Bush, Marques Colston and Mark Simoneau) had a lot to do with the turn around season for the Saints.

The Ravens on the other hand haven’t changed much in the way of personnel. As a matter of fact the most significant change has been the addition of Steve McNair. But you have to understand that before signing McNair, Billick had to first admit he was wrong about Boller. Something he had been unwilling to do in the past.

Billick has done something most of could not have. He decided that he wanted to stay and he wanted to win, so he swallowed his pride (and in Billick’s case that is no small task) and made the changes demanded by Biscotti.

And the changes have paid off. The Ravens are the number two seed in the AFC and on top of the tough AFC North. They have an impressive 13-3 record, the best in team history. They swept the arch-rival Steelers and are favorites to make it to the AFC Championship Game.

Billick took a 6-10 team full of locker room divisions and sloppy play and turned them into a team that has every right to believe that they belong in the Super Bowl. He did it by putting his ego aside and doing what needed to be done. And for that he deserves Coach of the Year.

I thought that juggling wasn’t a skill I’d need. I mean, really, who cares about some twit throwing balls and bowling pins in teh air and catching them. Oh sure, it’s amusing. But nothing I’d ever want to do.

As it turns out, juggling is what my life is all about. Not so much balls and pins, but work, family and gym. Computer Geekery and writing. Photography and home improvement.

It seems that i spend a lot of time working on these things, but never accomplishing what I want to. At least not to the degree I want to.

Hell the only reason I am even getting around to writing this is because I took a mental health day from work.

I want to do it all, but realistically , I know that to I’d be better off to just focus my energy on one thing and work hard at it.

I can’t do that. So I guess that makes jack of many trades, master of none.

I hate that expression. It sounds a lot like an insult.

It is my intention to master many of these things.