… but I think my chi is all fucked up. Or maybe it’s karma. Or maybe it’s just shit.

Things aren’t right, but I know that the root of all of it is me. There are some external factors fucking with me, but mostly it’s just me.

Nothing seems right. And I can’t fix it. As a matter of fact, quite the opposite. Whatever attempt I make to fix things, seems to make it worse.

Some times, when shit is off like this, I rage a bit and then feel better. But we’re well beyond raging. I don’t know what to do when this happens. (Yes, it has happened many times before.) So I get manic. And obsessive.

So far this week, I’ve updated my long lost forum. Well, a little bit. I’ve imported a number of Ratdog and Dead shows into my iTunes. Edited, organized and tagged several hundred photos. Researched alternatives for streaming my stupid radio show. Cleaned the kitchen. And all of that in my free time. I’ve spent most of my time at work.

Don’t think that it stops when I’m at work either. I’ve organized my files. Updated my address book and calendar. Updated all kinds of documentation.

Even my dreams are fucked up.

It’s this same manic behavior that leaves me with 4 or 5 blogs, a radio show, a forum, a (defunct) club and I don’t even know what else.

I don’t enjoy any of this stuff, I just need to DO something. Anything.

It doesn’t work.

I tend to interrupt myself to jump from one obsession to another.

I suppose this will pass, but I don’t know when. Consider yourself warned.

I’m a dork. I know it. I can’t help it.

I am sitting here in my big comfy chair, tapping this into my new phone.

I took a break to eat breakfast and I think that may be the point.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that blogging irritates me. It seems to me, that blogging should be a way to share your life with the world at large. Instead, it becomes a ritual of sharing your blog with other bloggers.

You end up, at least I did, spending your time connected to your computer doing blog things. You can’t share your life, because you don’t have one.

It may be dorky to update your blog from your phone, but at least you can do it while you are out living your life.

I was going to post something.

I guess technically that I am posting something.

I thought I knew what I wanted to say, but it devolved into yet another rant about how I don’t really like blogging. And that didn’t really seem worth posting at all.

So Fuck It.

I’m just not feeling it.

The few of you that have paid attention for long time, know that I’ve had some bad luck with blogging services. I used to be at blogcafe.com. But they had some sort of catastrophic failure and everything vanished. Luckily, I was using the blogger.com interface to post my entries.

After that disaster I moved to here, and copied some of my posts over. Here and there, I’d move a post or two over but I’d usually put it off. There is no automated way, that I know of, to move these. Which meant logging in to blogger, copying the text of the post, coming here and creating a new post. Pasting the post, adjusting the date and hitting publish. It’s tedious and time consuming.

Over the last few days, I’ve finished copying the last of them over. In the process, I’ve re-read a whole lot of my older posts. Some of them were even good.

Some time last month, I passed three years doing this. I have had over 25000 visitors, and a few of those have even bothered to read this drivel. There are 505 posts, most of them suck. The rest of them are mostly about blogging or back packing.

There are a few that have been ‘lost’ for the last year and a half that are worth reading. Now is your chance to catch up. Allow me to recommend these:

What is it I like about my Job?
The Ups and Downs of Mountain Biking
The Rain King
Looking Back Across Burning Bridges
Being a real dad

For the record, I still don’t like blogging.

I have struggled with this blogging thing nearly as long as I have been doing it.

I like the idea of putting my ideas down in html and putting them out there to so if anyone gives a shit. On one level this has worked well for me. There have been a surprising amout of people who seem to want to hear what I have to say. On the other hand, it doesn’t work the way I thought it would.

Blogging has become (or maybe it always was) about communities. These are my blog friends. I have to read what they are writing. And we will be like a group. We will join the same traffic generating scams. We will play the same meme games.

I don’t like that. I came here to say something. I hope you’ll listen. But I dont want you to expect me to listen to you. If you have something interesting to say, I’ll listen or I’ll move on. It’s not personal. Or it shouldn’t be. Maybe it should be, I don’t know, but that’s not what I wanted out of this.

I’ve been more frustrated than usual with this recently. This is why I have posted so little.

I was going to shut it down.

Not quit. I still have the urge to express myself in this way. But I was extremely close to shutting it all down and starting somewhere else. And no, I wouldn’t have let you know. Not even you. It’s not personal. But if I let you know. Then I’d let him know. And before long, we’d be right back to here. Just ask Mango. He knows.

But I didn’t. I have some sort of pride in this meager collection of shit. And I don’t want to start over.

I have to refocus. Beside the community aspect, I didn’t fully think out the implications of publishing. It’s on a micro scale, but this must be what columnist deal with every day. The comments are a both wonderful and awful. I love the feedback. I love to know what you think about what I write. But I hate it. Sometimes I want to scream, who asked you? I can never decide if I should respond to the comments or not.

The reality is, this is publishing. On a small scale, but still it is. I’m putting it out there and for that I have to live with the consequences of that decision. I can’t pick and choose who reads this. I can’t do anything about it if you don’t understand what I mean, even though I’ve been as clear as I can be. I can’t censor any reaction, in the comments or else where, that results from what I’ve written. And I can’t worry about those things as I sit to write a new thing.

Like I said, I’m amazed that as many people have listened to me as have. Yet I look around and see that, all things considered I don’t get much traffic. Most blogs get 10 times what I do. I’m told that it’s quality over quantity. I’m told that it’s cause I don’t play the ‘game.’ This is probably true. But I can’t help wonder, why not me? Why shouldn’t people want to not only read this, but urge others to? But it doesn’t work that way. Not for me. And if I’m going to be true to me, then I need to accept that.

I’ll keep it up. At least I’ll try to. This blog and the stupid radio show. I think that for some reason, I’m more comfortable with the Radio thing than the blogging. I guess it’s a matter of expectation. The SBC, I’m not so sure of. I think it’s time has past. I look at the blogs who request membership. I don’t think they get it. Maybe I should let it fade away. And don’t worry, if I do I’ll run Shitty Blog Survivor from here. I do like that. It’s been fun this year.

Still, sometimes I hope that people will ‘get’ me. That I’ll have dozens of readers instead of 5. But I’m full of shit. I’m not cut out to be popular. I never was. And I never will be. There’s more to popularity than people liking you, you have to play the ‘game.’ And I quite simply can’t do that.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have 18 hours of Star Trek on my DVR.

First and foremost, thank you again to each and everyone of you that sponsored me. It really means a lot to me. In theory, the blogathon people will send you an email asking you to fulfill your pledge, but I’ll let you in on a secret. You can go to your profile at blogathon.org and click on edit next to this blog under “Your Pledges.” On that page you can simply push the button that says, “Fulfill this pledge directly with Freedom from Hunger now” and then fill out the Online Donation form at Freedom from Hunger.

I don’t really like to acknowledge it when I’m sick, I always want to think that I can just will it away, mind over matter style. But it doesn’t work that way. I have a sinus infection. And I don’t feel good at all. This made this blogathon much harder for me than it otherwise would have been. The headache that I had during the whole thing tested my patience and made me even grumpier than usual.

There are some aspects to the blogathon that really do irk me. I feel it could be better organized and designed to be much more inclusive to all participants. It also steams me that BE and Lewis get all kinds of plugs when they don’t even raise a cent for charity (at least not that I could see.) There were at least 2 stations involved with this blogathon were playing music and supporting charity.

In the waning moments of the blogathon, I had an epiphany. I am a lousy blogger. Occasionally, people try to swell my head by telling me that I am a good writer. Who knows, maybe I am, but that doesn’t making me a great blogger. I don’t need to be a great blogger, but I had never made that distinction before. The one thing I could do to be a better blogger is to post much more regularly. I’ll try. I’ve had some issues with this blog and I’ve been real tempted to scrap it. But I think I should keep it. I mean it’s over 3 year old, I’d hate to start over.

Who knows, after a good night sleep all this may seem very different to me.

If the power goes out… I guess I’m screwed. There isn’t a window in the geek cave, so I can’t tell how bad it is. But I can hear the thunder over the music.

I’m back on the air. Not that you care. I’m playing a power block of Pop Punk. You know Blink 182, Green Day, that kind of shit.

I keep catching typos. They are pretty bad. I’m very concerned about the ones I’m missing.

It is now tomorrow. Or at least it’s after midnight. It feel much later. I’m not sure why. Probably because almost none of the freaks I talk to online are online.

Rage upcoming on the Mango Radio.

More lame posting in 30 minutes on this blog.

I’m sitting here, with my shades on. I’m in the MPYR radio chatroom. I fucking hate chatrooms. They fill me with rage. Even more than normal.

Shutter is our most recent Super Hero.
Without babbling on like a little girl, this one means a lot to me. Thanks, dude.

I’m getting tired. I’ll blame this sinus infection. Staying up usually isn’t a problem for me. I guess I have no choice but to make some coffee.

I love coffee. I guess I wouldn’t be so bored if people were visiting. But as I’ve said before, I’m not one of the cool kids. Just my destiny, I suppose.

That’s ok, I’ll just keep posting. The 2 or 3 of you that are reading, will keep reading. And later, in the wee hours of the morning, I’ll rage to no one on SBR about how the rest of you suck.

Have a nice day.

It’s times like these that I wish I didn’t blog anonymously. I could raise so much more money if I approached my friends and family with this. But I can’t do that.

Most of them don’t even know that I blog. I don’t even want to think what it would be like if they knew about it at work.

It wouldn’t be pretty. I hear them make comments sometimes.

“God, she is such a freak. I bet she’ll go home and blog about this.” And then they’ll all laugh. And I laugh too. I don’t need them to know that I do this.

If they knew, they’d start reading into everything I write about work. I’d blog about using a sick day for a ‘metal health day,’ and I have my boss call me into her office.

It would be bad. I just know it. So I’m a closet blogger. It’s best this way.

I know that plenty of bloggers are very open about the fact that they blog, I don’t understand how that works for them.

Just one more thing to hate about blogging.

For the record, I think my monitor hates me.

Yes. You missed a block of Disco and Rage on Shitty Blogathon Radio. I know you don’t care. I don’t care that you don’t care. So there.

Mango was there. He eggs me on, you know. He tries to get me to do bad things. Very bad.

I think I have been in front of the PC too long. I mean I’m used to being in front of a computer, but this is relentless. At least I work, I get interrupted with meetings and phone calls and Shutter. All I have here is Geek Blog, Misfitopia, IM and Shitty Radio. It may be making me a bit crazy.

Mango informs me that CBS is broadcasting an XBox360 GuitarHero Championship. This is fucking retarded. Do I really need to elaborate.

Mango is going back to whatever it is that he is doing in Buffalo. So I’ll be back to being kind of alone. Again. He says he’ll be back in the middle of the night. I’ll play Enya and GnR to celebrate.

And maybe some ‘All Along the Watchtower.’

What was it that Tyler Durden said about ‘the Happy Place?’ You know… when he was giving the narrator a chemical burn?

Nevermind.

I suppose that this means we are over a quarter of the way through this. That’s something.

I have no idea what to write about.

I could tell about you about how I got banned from Blog Explosion.
Or how fucked up the Radio situation was last year.

But that stuff will only get me in more trouble than I already am.

I could tell you about Shitty Blog Survivor. Yes that’s what I should do.

I have this club. The Shitty Blogs Club. It’s kind of like a joke, except it’s a real club. It’s difficult to explain. Every year we play Survivor. Like the TV show.

Except that I have never seen the TV show, so maybe it is way different.

We start with say 10 or 12 bloggers. They are all given a stupid task to perform by a set deadline. Like ‘Carve a Watermelon like you would a Pumpkin’ or ‘Dress Up in 40 different Items of Clothes’ or ‘Compose and Sing a Song about Survivor Island.’ You get the idea.

Actually, you could help me. There are currently 3 Survivors left on Shitty Blog Isle and I owe them a task. I have no idea what to give them.

Any Suggestions?

Like most days…

It’s lunch time and I am filled with rage. Don’t ask. It just seems to work that way. Maybe it’s techno music I’m listening to. Wanna listen. Go to SBR and click on one of the links on the sidebar. To the best of knowledge, they work.

I’ve get left over hot dogs on the menu. Who wants to figure out the over/under on me spilling mustard on me. It’s pathetic. I know.

To expand on the point that i was failing to make earlier. All I’ve wanted to do was to be popular. In high school and college that would have never happened. It’s not likely to happen at work. But, You would think… at least I would, that on the Internet, I’d have a chance.

The playing field should leveled. Looks don’t matter. Background doesn’t matter. Yet, the blogosphere (and elsewhere on the ‘net) makes its own cliques. I hate it.

Wanna know what else sucks? I really though it would take long for me to be reduced to rambling, babbling.

I’ll babble some more after lunch.

I was so plucked that I didn’t even get the “Sponsor this Blog’ button up last time.

God, I suck.

And If I don’t figure out how to get some lunch soon, I’m screwed. I’m not sure when it happened, but at some point I started getting very regimented on when I eat. Which is good, I suppose… but when I get off schedule, it fucks wit me a lot. You know… like right now.

Did I mention I hate blogging.

I’m not sure why I don’t just write. For myself. On my computer and leave it there. It would eliminate a lot of my frustration. It’s my own… insecurity… need for affirmation… something that makes me blog. I could write and save it to the hard drive. But I would never know if you got it. I wouldn’t know if I had got my point across.

But by the same token, I have always felt like there is some huge blogging community out there. And I am some where outside of it.

I know. I know.

It’s my own fault. I don’t play the GAME. Hell, I don’t even understand the game, nor do I want to. Most of the time this shit doesn’t bother me at all. I just do my thing. I have my few, but extremely loyal groupies readers. But sometimes, like when those stupid awards come out or during this blogathon, it begins to get to me.

I read other blogs and it sounds like they are all blogging this thing together. I feel like I’m sitting here at my computer, alone, blogging. Do the rest of them have a better imagination than I do? Are they IMing back and forth between posts. Calling each other on the phone?

I don’t know. This is probably my tendency to be extremely literal giving me a hard time again.

Yes. It is hard to be me. No. I do not expect you to feel the slightest bit sorry from me. Yes. I do expect some of you to mock me derisively.

Did you ever feel like you were trying to make point, but had no idea what the hell it was? No? Must just be me and my aneurysm .

Thank you. You’re too kind. I’ll be here all fucking day, don’t forget to tip.

Am I bit plucked….

Yes I am.

Of course, I’ll just be told that I’m not a good sport. Not a team player. You would think that I would be used to that by now.

I apologize that this isn’t a very good post. I don’t have a lot of time to put this together.

Instead of writing during the last 30 minutes, I’ve been fucking with my template. My template that has been perfectly good for over a year now (including last year’s blogathon.) I’ve added a time stamp.

That, in and of itself, wouldn’t be so bad. But then I discovered that blogsome doesn’t change for daylight savings time automatically. So the first six posts were an hour early. I had to change my time to reflect DST and then I had to update the time stamps on each of those posts.

Fucking great.

I certainly hope it helps a lot. A whole lot.

And now my head ache has gone into overdrive. Excuse me while I go find some coffee… and Advil.

I am always amazed when I read about people’s plans for the Blogathon. Some of them throw parties or watch movies. Some of them set a theme for their posts or have contests.

Not surprisingly, I’m not doing any that shit. It’s not that I don’t approve. (OK maybe I don’t, but that’s not why.) It’s that typically when I blog it takes me almost 30 minutes, sometimes longer, to put my posts together. I guess my posts are longer than average and it doesn’t help that I can’t really type. But the real problem is that I simply think too much about it. It’s just the way I am.

The really sad part is that for all the time and effort, this is the end result.

So my plan is simple. I will sit here and write 49 posts over 24 hours. I will try to give each post the attention that I would to any ‘regular’ post. (In other words, I will do my best not to give you the “Wow I still 12 hours to go.” post.)

Honestly, I’m not criticizing anyone else’s effort here. It is just my goal, again, to remain consistent to my style of blogging. It seems like the least I can do for my Charity.

In addition to blogging, I’ll do the radio thing, but that won’t take much effort. And I’ll drink coffee. And Sugar-Free Red Bull.

Man I suck at this.

I went backpacking. Again. I know, it’s almost boring. It was a great weekend.

I’m sure its just me being paranoid, but as the end of Dubya’s term gets closer, I keep waiting for some one to announce that they are extending his term indefinitely, citing terrorist threats and what not.

Thanks Monty, Mango and WK for sponsoring me in the blogathon. You can sponsor me too. Dammit.

Two weeks till training camp starts. I can’t wait.

I got a promotion at work. I am now, officially, a Network Engineer. But you can still call me Jeckles.

I’ve changed my gym routine around a bit. I’ve added more emphasis to muscle training. I’ve also added protein shakes to my diet. I’m seeing good results.

Shitty Blog Radio is stupid. My mother has never listened to it. (And this is a good thing.) But for some reason she keeps telling everyone in my extended family about it. I spent an uncomfortable 15 minutes yesterday, trying to explain to my nice Christian cousins what is I do on the internet radio. Maybe my mom should listen. I bet she’d stop telling family about it.

Shitty Blog Survivor is even dumber.

And now my lunch break is over.

Who knew?

So when I noticed that I hadn’t blogged for a month… well I had to do something.

I probably should have chose to delete the fucking thing, but I chose to write a post.

When I was in college, I would skip class for whatever reason, and then I would miss it again. If it was a Tuesday/Thursday class that would mean that I had missed a solid week of class. This would send me into a state of anxiety. The idea of walking in there after missing a whole week was unthinkable. So I wouldn’t go. Needless to say, I don’t have a diploma.

I guess this blog is kind of the same way. I don’t update for a bit, and then I don’t know where to pick it back up, so I skip it.

If all you knew about me was through the blog, I guess you wouldn’t think I’d done anything but backpacking in the last few months.

But I think most of you listen to the stupid radio show, or worse yet know me in person, so you know better.

If not… well, what can I say.

The blogathon is coming up, and I plan to participate again. So I have no choice but to get back in the blogging habit. Which is a shame, cause of blogging sucks.

I have been seriously questioning why I still doing this.

I think that most of the people who used to read this have moved on.
And writing it feels like a chore.

I go through cycles on this shit. Hot and cold.

Right now, I feeling cold.

I sit down to post something, but don’t. I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like reading the well meaning comment from people who don’t understand what I’m trying to say.

Like this post. I’m not look for someone to talk me into keep blogging. Shit. That’s the last thing I want.

When I started doing this, I wanted a place to put my thoughts out there and that was it. But it’s changed. Once people started reading, that changed everything. Then I started thinking about what the readers thought.

The problem, I suppose, is that I really don’t like people.

I really don’t. As I am sitting here trying to type this, this buffoon I work with is trying to give me his malformed opinion of a presentation/meeting we had at work. It’s taking all of the strength I have not to say, “I don’t give a shit what you think. Shut up and leave alone, can’t you see me typing here.”

I guess that makes me not a nice person. I kind of wish I were a nice person, but it doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me. I am who I am. I am a product of the events that have shaped me and there isn’t much to be done about it.

Back to the point, Blogging seems to be an interactive/community kind of thing. My general dislike for people doesn’t work well with that.

So I ask myself, should I keep doing this and just say fuck ‘em, when the other bloggers rub me the wrong way? Or should I pack it up and try something else?

I don’t know. Not right now anyway.

I’m not here to make friends. I’m not here to get your approval. I’m not here to fit in to some sort of community. And I’m not here to be judged.

I’m here to say what I think. And recently, that seems more trouble than it’s worth.

Once upon a time, I started a blog. I did it because I had read a few blogs and it seemed interesting. But mostly I did it, because I had heard a rumor that Blogger was giving Gmail accounts to its members. I didn’t get a Gmail account from Blogger. I did eventually get one from some other blogger, because of my whining about it on my blog.

I liked blogging. I put my thoughts up on the internet, but no one read them. I signed up with a bunch of things to draw traffic to my blog. If only people could see his blog then they would read it. But for the most part they did not. For the most part, they still don’t.

Once upon a time, I joined a blogging club. It was kind of a joke. Before long I found myself in charge of it. People like silliness on the internet, I’ll have contests and polls and shit. People will come and hang out and it will be fun. People did come, but mostly just to get another link. Everyone wants a link. Fun? Not so much. People told me that I had to do this and I had to do that. I held make believe contests and people got mad.

Once upon time, I believed I could be a writer. I wrote stories. Carefully choosing every word. People came and told me how great my writing was. I read their sites and told them how great they were. I decided to get serious. Maybe write a novel. Maybe not. Maybe I should just stick to let people compliment me on the internet.

Once upon a time, I had a radio show. It was dumb. It was a joke. I didn’t try to make anything serious, just a diversion for fun. Well, yeah, that didn’t work out either.

People ask me why I hate the Internet so much. No reason.

I think I’ve mentioned that before.
That was Sarcasm. We both know I’ve said it again and again.

Blogging frustrates the shit out of me.

I started reading blogs four or five years ago. I had a few that I enjoyed. Of course, with the exception of WWdN, they are all gone.

I don’t read blogs to make friends. I rarely comment. I’m not really looking to interact with the blogger. What I enjoy is a glimpse into a stranger’s life. It is voyeurism of a sort. But it is different than peeping through window and trying to catch a glimpse of someone’s life. When you read a blog, you a peeping into a person’s life, not through the window, but through their own eyes.

That is one of the oddest things about this whole blog as community concept. When you interact with people out there in the real world, you derive a perception of that person. You see their body language, you observe how they interact with different people, you hear other people comment on that person, and most of all, you have your own direct interaction with them. The sum of these experiences (and more) is your mental sketch of this person.

But here in the blogoshere, it is whole different ball of wax. Your first impression of any blogger is based on a combination of how they see themselves and how they want to be seen. By the nature of the medium, bloggers give a false picture of themselves. No matter how honest they may be in their blogging, the way that they see themselves is going to be radically different than how we perceive them.

But that’s not the part that frustrates me. That was just a tangent. Sorry about that.

I don’t want to try to read hundreds of blogs. What I want to do is find a few that resonate with me and read them. And that’s what I do. But… and this is the part that frustrates me… I find a dozen blogs or so I enjoy and go read them. And after a while some of them will stop posting. Some of will them will become less interesting to me as the blogger begins to focus on different things. Of course, I understand that they can blog about whatever they want and they should. I am not reading because I am friends with that person but because I want something interesting to read. If what you write doesn’t interest me, well you’ve got nothing for me to read. And before you know it, I have nothing to read. Then I have to go find more to read.

I am subscribed to 44 blogs in Bloglines. Yet most of those update very infrequently. And when I sit down at my computer and want to read a blog there is nothing there for me.

So I will go find more, but that is a painful process. I can’t stand most blogs. I’ll parse through the shit looking for something worth reading.

And when I find it, that blog I want to read, I’ll just have to hope that I have a little time before it one fades away.

The ironic thing is that I have so much to say.

And yet, many of you would look at this blog and have no idea.

I have so much I want to say, but it is more than just typing out a bunch of words. It’s not words that I am trying to get out here.

It’s ideas.

And that is harder. At least for a no talent hack like me.

I could just sit down at the keyboard and start typing what’s in my head, but that would not give me what I’m looking for.

I’ve learned a lot over the last two years about writing and expressing myself. It’s a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be.

But still, I have to.

It’s why I do this. I’m not looking friends or a sense of community.

I’m try to get these ideas out of my head and out to some one. Anyone.

And let’s be honest, I’m looking for a little feedback.

Sometimes I think that if I could just get my thoughts across, clearly… If I could do that just once, I could stop. I could stop writing all together.

Maybe that’s the thing. Maybe I’m just trying to get a piece of me out there for you. And I keep failing.

Or maybe all of this is just pretentious bullshit.

An inaccurate and incomplete history of Mango Radio according to me.

I’m going to start my own Radio Station. It’s going to be great!

That was the announcement that Marc made. It’s been two years now, I guess. I don’t even know this guy. Just some dude on the Internet. He does start it. Mango Radio, he calls it. That’s his nickname, Mango. It’s a play on his last name. It’s long story. I’m beginning to learn this about Marc. It’s usually a long story.

The station is up. It plays music 24 hours a day. But that alone wouldn’t make it worth writing about.

“Hey man.” Marc IM’s me. “I’m live on the air. Come check it out.”

And I do. I listen as he talks about other people on the Internet. And his job. And growing up in Buffalo. It’s captivating. Listening to this dude just talk about shit. While I listen. Not just me. There is a couple from Ohio. And a chick from Vegas. And Karl.

“Hey Jeck. I’d like to dedicate this song to Finslippy.” He says. And he plays “Somebody Hates Me” by Reel Big Fish. I find myself laughing out loud. It’s funny. An inside joke. I love it.

But after a few months of this it gets stale. I mean, how many times can I tune in and listen to the same songs. Maybe he’s running out of stories. Hell, I could be watching TV. Okay, I couldn’t do that. But you get my point.

“I’m making Big Changes at Mango Radio.” Marc announces. “I’m bringing in other DJ’s to do their own shows. To mix it up.”

A good idea. He announces the DJs. Monogodo. Will Thrasher. Joe. Crash. And Webkittyn. Will Thrasher and WebKittyn have real radio experience and Monogodo has thousands of songs in his library. Crash is Karl in disguise and Joe… Well I don’t know. They will pre-record their shows and Marc will play them at pre-designated times.

“You can do a show if you want, Jeck.”
“No thanks.”

I mean… hell. I’m out classed here. But…

But I want to do a show. I know I can do it. But I don’t want to be laughed off the Internet. I read discussions on the Mango Radio Forum board. The DJ’s are having Technical trouble. Trouble Organizing their music just right. Trouble finding free time. Trouble making their shows just right.

The thought nags in my head. I can do this. But what to do for a show. I don’t know what the fuck to talk about.

An audio companion to the Shitty Blogs Club. That’s it. I recorded 30-some minutes of me babbling. I edited the worst of it out and threw in some music. I mixed it into an mp3 and sent it to Marc.

Ironically, it was the First show to get submitted. And the First to get played. I cringe as I hear my voice on the Internet. Marc says he loves it.

“I had no idea what to expect.” He keeps telling me.

Other Shows follow. Webkittyn Wednesdays, an 80’s music Show. Monogodo’s show. Will Thrasher. They all have some degree of popularity. Some more than others. Some lasted. Some did not. New names were added to the line up. Doom, Utopia, Riss, Chaos Radio. Some lasted. Some didn’t.

The ironic thing, to me, was that almost all of this shows had that same format, talk about this or that and play some music. Sure we each put own stamp on it, but it was variations on a theme.

The thing is Mango still wasn’t happy. He was hoping for the big time. Maybe even get picked up by XM or something. Oh, I’m sure that deep down he knew that was a pipe dream, but still he hoped.

He quit doing a show. And the station kept trucking with out him. He started his show again and nothing much changed.

But in the end, when it came time to renew the contract on the station and to renew the domains, he decided it wasn’t worth the money. And, of course he’s right.

So it’s over. As of Thursday.

But I think that someday, that format will catch on. That psuedo-audioblogging combined with music. I hope when it does, they call it Mango Radio.

In case you don’t know… I have been doing this dumbass ‘Internet Radio Show’ for the last year or so. The imaginary Internet Radio Station that it aired on is going off the ‘air.’ If you want more information go here.

I guess all of this has me thinking about the nature the Internet, as I know it, and the nature of blogging. Which has been an ongoing theme for me. Who knows, maybe I’ll write something about this soon.

The Family and I went on road trip to the Lehigh Gap in Pennsylvania. We climbed the mountain and I took a couple hundred pictures. Maybe someday, I’ll find the time to organize and do something with all of these pictures I keep taking.

I still like my truck. It isn’t very fuel efficient and I guess that makes me a bad person, but I don’t drive far on any given day and I’ll gladly pay more to drive the vehicle I want to drive.

On a related note, I passed an SUV with a bumper sticker that said “High Gas Prices Stink!” I hate them.

I think I will carve a few pumpkins this year. I’m not half bad at it. I was going to link to the photos of last year’s attempts. But it looks like they were lost when BlogCafe went down. I’m sure I have them on this computer somewhere, but… Anyhow. I’ll find ‘em and include them.

I had no idea I liked the Grateful Dead so much. I’ve recently got a bunch of Dead to listen to. I like it. I wish I would have realized that while Jerry Garcia was still alive.

I have a headache.

I used to think that maybe I could be a writer. I got over it.

I am still struggling to figure out how I am supposed to do all the things I want to to do, in the time that I have to do them.

I think that North Korea possessing Nuclear technology may be the single greatest threat to the stability of our world.

I am glad I discovered the Sleuth Channel. Miami Vice is better than anything that the networks are offering these days. Between that, M*A*S*H on Hallmark, and Star Trek on G4; I have all the TV I need.

And as they say on M*A*S*H…

That is all.

It’s that time of year again.

It is the time of year that I spend crazy hours at work and do little else.

I’m not complaining. I honestly don’t mind.

Most of the time my department is pretty laid back. Almost too laid back. It’s fun to work in an environment with a little intensity. At least for a little bit.

And besides, they pay me overtime. So bring it on. I can take it. Work me as hard as you want. I’ll be laughing all the way to the bank.

The down side is I won’t have as much time to play on the internet. I’m already pretty much an absentee landlord of my stupid little club. Now I’ll be practically invisible. Who cares, it’s a shitty little club any way.

My stupid Internet Radio Show will suffer also. I mean who wants to tune in to hear some freak bitching about how stupid people are? Come to think of it, maybe the show won’t change that much.

I went backpacking weekend before last and I went to lake with my neices and nephew last weekend. So I’m pretty relaxed. I’m ready to be busy. Today I’m setting 20-some-odd High Powered CAD workstations. Woo-Hoo. In case you can’t read the Sarcasm, it’s not very exciting. But at least I brought my iPod with me.

I’m boring.

You don’t have to say anything.

I know it’s true.
I’ve seen what I’ve written.
It’s not exactly riveting.

That would explain why literially 100s of people have come to this site today and very few have commented.
Even less have sponsored me.

grrr.

But it’s isn’t today anymore.
It’s tomorrow. At least it will be when you read this.
Except that then it will be today.
And now will have become yesterday.

(See what I mean about he boring.)

I need to find something to do to entertain myself.
I still have 3 hours before I go on Mango Radio.

Maybe I’ll fight with Shutter.

The First Rule of Fight Club is…

Or maybe I’ll just make some popcorn.

I don’t seem like the type to do something like the blogathon, do I?

I don’t think so either.

It’s cause things like this are always turned into an ‘event.’ I suck at events. (See last post.)
So excuse me while I ignore the rest of it and just blog.

Because I’m OK with blogging. I’m actually working very hard to make each of those posts like any post I would on this blog.
I hate filler. I don’t want that here. No one will appreciate it, but I’m not doing it for them. I’m doing ti for me.

Doing it for you? What about the charity?

I haven’t forgot the charity. But the Blogathon people would be fine if it put up a bunch “Wow. It’s time to post again!” posts.
And I’m sure later, in the middle of night. We’ll get there.

But I’m putting it off as long as possible.

I realize that these posts aren’t any good. I know that. I merely am pointing out that they are “jeckles-style” posts.

At least I have Mango to Entertain me. I don’t know what I’ll do when he goes off the air.

How bad do I suck? It only took like 4 posts for my “Monitor” to get bored with me.
Yeah. I suck.

Yes, I’m writing about lunch.

Deal with it.

It’s a Gorton’s Shrimp Bowl. You remember the Friendly Gorton Fisherman. It’s not as bad as it sounded.
Of course, I chose it only because it was the only quick microwavable meal I had on hand.

It didn’t take long. I knew it wouldn’t. What am I talking about? It doesn’t really matter.

Hate my blog yet?
No.
Bored with it?
Yeah?
I get that a lot.

But I am what I am.

And I don’t fit in.

And I’m rambling. That didn’t take long either.

Well with lunch done, it’s time for more coffee.
At least coffee still loves me.

(Hey Mango… Tell us how you really feel!)

Here we are.

This is the big Blogathon.

48 posts posts for your amusement. All to show support for a good charity.

Sit back relax. We have all day and all night together.

I hope you enjoy it.

If 48 doses of Jeckles isn’t enough for you, I’ll be making some guest appearances here or there. I’ll tell you about those later.

I suspect I’ll get some new visitors through here today.
Poor guys, they won’t know what hit them.

This is an acquired taste.

So excuse me, I’m going to go get some coffee, find some music to listen to, and attempt to make the most of this.

I’m still reeling about Syd.
It’s not like the news was shocking or upsetting exactly. But the end to this tragic story has kept my mind in motion. I may have more to say about Syd, but it hasn’t quite solidified in my mind. Also, I expect that this week’s Radio Show will have a lot of Syd in it.

Hey!

The Blogathon is coming. And I’m in it. Several of you have sponsored me. You guys rock. But I want more. Sponsor me.

NO. I mean it. Sponsor me. I did some homework and picked a good charity. I’ll stay up 24 hours and post for your amusement. (Well at least for my amusement.) What more do I need to do? What can I offer you to entice you to Sponsor Me? I don’t know what to offer you. But who knows, maybe I’ll think of something.

I’d like to break $500! It’s a goal. If we make that goal… we’ll do something. I just don’t know what yet. I can tell you this. It will make you feel good if you do it. Hell it will make me smile. Sponsor me!
And if you hate my charity or me or whatever…. Sponsor one of my friends. aka_Monty, Webkittyn, Rose, Utopia or Mango Radio.

It’s for a good cause and you get to make me stop being so grumpy for a minute. DO IT NOW.

I mentioned earlier (way earlier) that I had been assigned a huge Identity Integration project. Well funding was slow, and the project has slipped. But we are underway now. It is kind of exciting.

At the same time, I have been drafted to replace the network infrastructure at one of our sites. We are combining the project into a training excercise. So our WAN Admin is having me and another configure the Switch, VLANs and whatnot from the ground up. Way cool.

Is it ironic that I like work betterer, when I am busy. Especially busy with interesting things.

Isreal attacked Lebanon. I’m so glad that the US was able to bring stability to that region.

The AL won the All Star game. Whoop D Doo. I am so over baseball. Only a few short weeks till training camp. Go football!

That is it for today. Sponsor me!

Two Years Ago I started the Jeckles Geek Blog on Blogspot. Since then I’ve moved to Blogcafe and then here to Blogsome.

I’ve managed to retain every post I ever put up.

I’ve spent a lot of time the last few months migrating the old posts over. I wanted to have them all here by today. They are not. But many of them are. I’ll keep working on migrating them.

I’ve written over 300 posts.
Some of them have been interesting.
A few of them have been good.
Most of them have just been another blog post.

When I started writing this, I thought I would use the blog medium to put my opinions about Sports, Technology, and Politics out there for the world to see.

But in time, I found that my opinions and thoughts on those issues were not as unique as I had perceived them to be. To my surprise, I found that my thoughts and feeling on people and the way they interact were on the other hand more unique.

When I started doing this, I had never written anything that I wasn’t obligated to write. Writing was not something I did.

Now I am beginning to consider myself a writer.

But for the most part, things are remarkably the same. The world is like that. It stays mostly the same. Most change is just in our perception.

I still don’t know why I am doing this.
But I’d like to thank you for reading. And to the one or two of you who have read this thing from the beginning… thanks (but I think you may want to check to see if your meds are adjusted properly.)

I was going to try to do something interesting for this milestone, but I think we will save that for the blogathon.

Of course, it’s ok to sponsor me if you want. I don’t mind.
As a matter of fact, I have a confession.
You guys make my day when you sponsor me. I didn’t know I had it in me.
(Did you see this coming?)
So go ahead punk, make my day! Sponsor me!

I am amazed.
You guys have chipped away some of my cynicism. Hard to believe, but it’s true.
You have contributed far more than I had dared to hope.
Thank You.

But I’m not done. I want more. Sponsor me! Please. And Thank you.
(If you want more information on why I chose this charity… I wrote about it earlier.)

I’m going to finish up the trail story… and add pictures. I promise.

But not right now. I have a party to prepare for. I’ll try to save some cake and ice cream for you.

I signed up for this blogathon.

I know. No one is more shocked than me.

I guess there are a couple of factors at work here.

I tend to drone on and on about making a difference in a meaningful way. I don’t have Billions of dollars to invest in charity like the esteemed Mr Gates. Hell, I don’t have 10s of dollars to invest in it. But I have time. Time to pitch in. Time to go out and do things. And certainly time to sit around in front of my computer. I pretty much do that anyway. So why not sign up?

I like a challenge. Last year, I watched as a bunch of these blogathoners acted as though this was wild challenge. I can do that, I told myself. So it is time to put my money where my mouth is… sort of.

And I do care.

I am blogging for (admit it, that just sounds silly) for Freedom From Hunger.

Some of the bloggers are going to harass you for money. They will beg. They will threaten.
I will not do that.

If you want to let those kids starve…

Feel free.

Or you could make a donation.

I’m not expecting much. I know you have expenses. I know you may be sponsoring another blog.
Give 5 bucks. Give One. Or at least… spread the word.

Go ahead. Sponsor me. You know you want to.

How long has it been since I posted an introspective post about the nature of blogging? Too long, I think.

The other day, some one said to me, “I’m glad you blog.”

What an odd compliment. I knew what she meant and I appreciated it but still that isn’t the kind of compliment you hear every day.

I’m glad you blog. Not I’m glad you write. Not I’m glad I know you.

This distinction is important.
Because blogging is not either of those things.

Blogging is not writing. Go read some of the Shitty Blogs and you’ll see what I mean. Not that writing doesn’t occasionally appear on a blog. But blogging is not the same as writing. Stephen King writes. Frank McCourt writes. They don’t blog. And really it’s a good thing.

Can you picture SK’s blog?

4/23
I can’t think of anything scary. I’m so full of doubt and angst. I’m still mad a the MoFo how ran my ass over.
4/26
I had really good idea for a book. What if cell phones made every crazy. This is going to be great.
4/27
Thanks for all of your comments. I see your point. Forget the cell phone book, I’ll think of something else.

Or McCourt’s?

10/22
These kids are driving me nuts. This teaching is harder than I thought.
10/30
Jay-sus Christ! These kids are a handful… but I think i have an idea.
11/02
To hell with teaching, I give up. I’m not quitting my job, but I am not going to try to teach these kids how to diagram sentences. I’ll just keeping telling them stories about how it was in Ireland when I was a kid. What does that have to do with teaching? I have no idea, but it shuts them up.

I guess I’m just being silly, but there is a point in here somewhere. Blogging is not writing. And reading a blog doesn’t equate to knowing someone. Blogs are so filtered. Sure we may share very personal details, but we also somethings back. Can you really know me by reading my blog? I don’t think so. You will know things about me, but there is much you will probably never know.

Which brings us back to why. Why do it? Why do I do it? Am I trying to write a great novel? Umm. No. Am I trying to talk to you? No. Pay attention, because this part is important. I am thrilled that people read this shit. Hell I wish even more did. But I am not writing this for you readers. I am writing it because I have things on my mind. And I want to get it out.

There have been moments, in the history of this blog, that I have become distracted by the fact that so and so or thus and such were reading it. The blog suffered for it. And really isn’t it bad enough without any help? I began to think that so and so would like to hear about this, and that might offend thus and such. And I was no longer doing what I had set out to do.

So I do my best to forget about you while I’m writing this tripe. I just take the shit in my head and put out here. If you like it… wonderful. And if not… then that isn’t really the end of the world either, is it?

In some ways, I’m embarrassed to be a blogger. There are so many negative connotations. But I am what I am. And I don’t see me stopping. Even if all of you went away, I’d still have thoughts in my head, that need to come out. And I’d still blog about them.

A four day weekend. That means that we went to the Lake.
When you have a house on the lake available to you… you take advantage of it.

Today has kind of sucked.
But nothing terrible, little annoyances.
Mostly people disappointed me. Several times. Several people.
I suppose my standards might be too high.

For the record, misguided readers (you must be misguided if you keep reading this,) I’m not as miserable as you think I am.

I guess I am just more likely write about things that bother me. Writing about ‘the nice dinner I had with my wife the other night’ is boring. It just is.

So just trust me. I have fun. I know happiness. I really do. I just don’t feel compelled to write about most of it.
It’s not a matter of choice. Did you know that? I don’t choose to write about this or that. I am compelled to.

Sometimes I am compelled to write about things that do not belong here. So I put them elsewhere. To that end, I just started a private blog. How dumb is that? What is the point of a blog that no one else can read? A notebook would perhaps be more appropriate, but I am always near the Internet it seems, so the Private Blog is more accessible that the notebook. Don’t worry, there is nothing good in there.

I tried to run this morning, but I had to settle for walking. I wanted to go 3 miles, I knew I couldn’t run that far without my knee screaming at me. I planned to run the first mile and walk from there. I made it (charitably) a quarter mile before the pain put me back to a walk. I did walk the 3 miles and at a good pace, but I was pretty upset that I couldn’t manage to run further. I hate not being able to do something. We’ll see how far I make it tomorrow.

The rest of my day was like that. Small aggravations and disappointments.

Tomorrow will be better. That is a choice.

Two days till vacation. Twos days till vacation. Two days till vacation.

It’s not helping.

Why does everything have to be so frustrating. I guess its me. It must be.

I went to re-image a bunch of old computers. The image failed. The fucking hard drives were too small. So…
First thing tomorrow I’ll be re-imaging the same computers. Which is great, cause it was so much fun the first time.

< Broken record>

I hate people. And unfortunately that extends to Internet people too. Cause they are just real people. Except for teh ones in the chat rooms that want to show you theit webcams. They are not real. Sometiems it harder for me gage to tehinternet people. But in the long run the break donw is always the same: msot people suck, a few are pretty good.

Lousy odds if you aske me.

</beating a dead horse>

I’m busy as hell, with all my little projects. But it seems like I make remarkably little progress. I hate this.

And so You know. I’m not joking when I say I’m paranoid. I really am. It is so crippling some days.
You can go ahead and make fun of me now. (and no, I’m not trying to be ironic.)

I’ve been reading my old blog entries. And I’ve come to a number of conclusions.

I am a boring dude.
I whine alot.
I don’t really do anything.
I am boring dude.

My blog (This blog) will turn 2 years old soon. I’m thinking of putting decorations and baking a cake. Then no one will show up and I’ll eat my cake. It will be a very fitting way to celebrate this blog.

Two More Days. Just Two More.

Did I mention that I hate people.
Why yes I did.

It’s not their fault however, I’m just incompatible with most of them.
I know the problem lies with me. I see the shit that is popular on TV and the Internet, and I hate it too.
Most of the time it doesn’t matter. But sometimes I can’t avoid it.

I hate the Internet, too.

I know. I know. You’re shocked and appalled.

How could you hate the Internet? You spend so much time on the Internet. You love it, you know you do.

Nope. I hate it. It’s not as confusing as it seems.

I hate the Internet because it falls so short of its potential. The Internet could great. Hell, it should be great. But is is not.

Take, for example, political blogs. You just cringed, didn’t you. (Hold that thought it’s going to help me prove my point.) Political Blogs should be awesome. Blogging on the Internet is something that is unregulated, uncensored, and unpressured by the influences of large corporations, lobbies or the government. You can say what ever you want on your blog. If you want to talk about politics, you can tell us what you really think about this issue or that one.

You could, but you don’t.

The political blogs I’ve read, with only a few exceptions, don’t offer up any unique insights or thoughtful discourse. They simply parrot whatever talking points are being distributed that week. Thousands of blogs, all saying the same thing.

I could rail about this for hours but the point is this.

I hate the Internet because it doesn’t even come close to living up to its promise.

I’m a dork.

I admit this freely. My hobby is the Internet (and backpacking.) I read blogs. I play on stupid forums. I listen to podcasts and Internet radio. I even do a stupid radio show myself.

It’s a stupid hobby. I know this. But I figure that it is no worse than getting all wrapped up in Lost or Desperate Housewives or, kill-me-first, American Idol. I could be writing the great American novel… but then again, maybe I have nothing to write anyway.

None of that matters. Hell none of this matters either.

The point.

There is no point, there never is.

The Internet should be better than the real world. People of like thoughts should be able to find each other and communicate. People should be able to express themselves freely. Information should be exchanged… freely.

But that’s not how it works a lot of the time.

It becomes just like the real world. Full of petty bickering. And stupid politics. Not like Red State/Blue State politics, but like office politics… only as it relates to … blogs, forums, chatrooms, whatever.

Fuck That.

Says a lot about human nature… doesn’t it? And I don’t like what I’m hearing.

I guess I’ll just pack up my shit and leave…

Or something like that.

Blogcafe was down again this weekend. What a huge pain. So I moved. To here. (This is home #3, to those of you keeping score.)

I hope you didn’t have too much trouble finding the place.

I’ll work on moving the archives over during the course of the week. I’ll also working on moving the Shitty Blogs Club to its new home.

At least this gives me a chance to clean up the look of my blog and since no one knows where it is now… we can talk about them.

I won’t even bother you with how bad my week has been.

I think getting kicked out Blog Explosion might have been one of the high points.

For a lot of the week I was unable to update any of my blogs, due to some technical problems over at blogcafe.

If had been able to update, I might have insisted that you de-lurk. (Or maybe I wouldn’t have.)

My silly little podcast has made it as a finalist over at the Best of Blogs Awards. Go vote for it, you’ll have to scroll down the page a bit. (And do me a favor; listen to it before you vote. I’d rather gain listeners, than votes.)

At least I have a three day weekend to try to get myself together. And playoff football to drown my sorrows on.

It seems that I need to comment on my last post.

A few weeks ago I wrote that I would try to some different things here.  That I was going to try to write what popped into head. That’s what happened.

A few people read that and decided that there must be some sort of problem.

Let me explain the process.

The other night I was supposed to have a few people come over and play poker.  A few of them no showed on me, and this is typical of the people in question.  A few others could not make for various other reasons.  The result, however, was that even though I had tried vary hard to set something up, no one was going to show up.

I sat at my computer and stewed about this.  My phone rang and I jumped up to get to it before it went to voicemail.  In the process, I knocked my microphone/headphones off the desk and stepped on them.  They were completely broken.  I answered the phone and it was some telemarketer begging for my money.  I gave them a few choice words and hung up on them.

I was angry.  Angry as hell.  I felt emotions in me that reminded me of some the deepest and darkest depressions I had known.

When I calmed down, 10 or 15 minutes later, I started to think about how easily those emotions came back.  I sat down and wrote about it.  

The point is this:  The last post seemed very dark, but really there was nothing more than a hint of an emotion from a decade ago.

I enjoy writing, but I grow bored with the format of this blog.  I want to be able to write a little more creatively.  Do me a favor; don’t read into what I write.  If you think that this site is a good barometer for how I’m doing, you couldn’t be more wrong.  I choose to write what I write and it may or may not reflect how I am feeling.

I don’t really know what else to say about but…

At least I’m not A Daddy Blogger.

So you must be talking to me…

And you called me…

A Daddy Blogger…

I should ignore it.  It’s my own fault anyhow.  I typed those very words in my own blog.  I guess I invited this…

You may be asking yourselves what I am talking about.  

It seems that there is this award thing… It’s called BoB (Best of Blogs… isn’t that clever.)

They have about a Dozen and A Half Categories.  I looked over them when the first announced the Awards for this year.   None of the categories really summed this space up.  Best Weight Loss Blog?  Or perhaps Best LGBT Blog? Maybe Snarkiest Blog?  I don’t even know what snarky means.  Furthermore I don’t Care.  But I am fairly certain that snarky is not me.  

So If I am going to compete in a stupid contest… Why Not as a Daddy Blogger?  I have kids.  I Blog.  I think those Awards guys will be disappointed.  Luckily, I don’t care what they think.  I might’ve ignored the whole thing… but then someone floated the notion that it might be fun to play along. And I had to agree.

So if you think that Blog Awards are Stupid… You should go here and leave a comment to nominate me.

Yes you read that correctly…  

Come on…  What better way to screw up the stupid awards than to have me be in serious contention.

And if you think awards are great…  well I guess you can nominate me too.

Oh and maybe I should talk about my kids… That always riveting.

Hmmm…

Well… Maybe Next Time.

It is not polite to ask people to help you move.

I mean it is one thing if you are young and moving into your first apartment. Or your first apartment without roaches. Or even if you are moving into your first house.
But if you are moving into a bigger house, because you outgrew you other house.. again.
Hire movers.
And if there is a piano…

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s just my aching back speaking.

—–

Five days off from work was good. Of course, I had plans to get a bunch of stuff done. I did not. My free time mostly just slipped away from me while I diddled on the computer.

I did play with the Mango Radio.
I can now go ‘live’ at will.
I know that you don’t care. But I think it’s cool.

—–

Having gone back to work after essentially a week off, I have decided that I don’t like work. It’s not my job. It’s not bad as far as jobs go, but I don’t like it. I’d rather being doing something else. Making something. Creating something. Not just supporting systems that in turn make a larger system work. What the hell is that?

This blogging thing is hard.  

I know that some of you would be thinking… no it’s not.

OK the interface for publishing is very simple.  Tweaking your template doesn’t have to be hard.  But blogging.  Week after week.  That is hard.

For me.  Anyhow.  I am the kind of person that can make anything difficult.  I tend to over-analyze things.  Everything.  And it easy to analyze this blogging thing.  

I think when I started I decided I would just do this and didn’t matter what anyone thought.  Of course that kind of decision is easy to make when no one reads your blog.

Honestly, I thought I would give commentary on the news and give my take on different technology issues.  It did not take long to figure out that I don’t want to do that.  

I am very sensitive to my readers.  I don’t have many, but there are a few how are very regular.  You wouldn’t want to scare them off.  So as a result, the blog becomes stale.  It sits in a rut.

Finding something to say, something that is worth reading about.  That is hard.  I don’t care what any of you say.  I am convinced that this is the reason that most blogs seem to have trouble lasting more than six months.  I think this is why people close their blogs and opens new ones.  The container becomes restricting.  Even Wil Wheaton who has been doing this well, for a long time, has noted how nice it is to write at his exile site that he has been using while WWdN has been broken.

There are invisible rules that write themselves as you publish a blog.  I don’t want to talk about this, because I know that so and so who is a good reader wouldn’t like it.  That is what makes the blog different than other types of media.  I have the potential to know a great deal about my readers.  There are some I do not know anything about, but others I know well.  I like that.  But I can’t let it limit me.

That’s hard.  There are people from the real world who read this.  There are regular readers who may have expectations.  They might not, but it feels like it.  I can’t allow myself to limited by that.  I think it makes the blog not as good.  And it makes it no fun.

I’m not making any money off of this.  And I never will.  If it isn’t fun, then what is the point?  

So let this be a warning.  I’m going to talk about shit here that I might not say in the real world.  I might talk about things you don’t like.  Oh well.  Sorry about that.  But I am going to do my best not to think about the fact that you are reading this.  I need to focus on the fact that I am writing this.  I may try some different stuff.  Talk about things that I haven’t before.  I may try some short fiction.  Or I might keep doing the same thing I always have.  If you find it offensive or boring or stupid or wrong or bad… well sorry about that.  I don’t know what to tell you.  But this thing is about me.  Not you.  So consider yourself warned.

And now I have written another post about how I blog.  I excel at that.  What can I say?  I am what I am.

So maybe it’s been a while since I updated this space.

It’s a little uncomfortable.  Like seeing an ex-girlfriend.  You don’t really know what to say.  This is so ironic, because you knew each other so well and now it seems like there is nothing to talk about.  Or perhaps it is nothing like that.

I could give you all of the usual excuses: work, sick with the never ending cold, busy with the Radio Show.  But it doesn’t really matter.

I yelled at an intern at work this week.  I guess I should feel bad about that, but actually I feel good about it.  Great even.  The little brat deserved it and I guess I had some pent up angry in me.  The whole thing was very refreshing for me.  The intern won’t look my in the eye yet.  But he’ll be ok.  I guess every one needs to learn at some point that there is a pecking order.  And when people at the bottom of the pecking order try to tell people who are a wrung on two up what to do, it doesn’t work well.  Do it too many times and you might get yelled at.  Or maybe I’m just a jerk.

The good news is that I get to go backpacking this weekend.  If the weather holds it should be incredible.  And I really need a good camping fix.  

Wow.  That wasn’t so hard.  I should do this blogging thing more often.

I haven’t really written about it.  It seems so trivial.  But it has been what I’ve been spending most of my free time on.  (Keep in mind that I don’t have too much free time.)

What am I talking about?  —and how many times do I hear that question in one day.

But what am I talking about.

Mango Radio.

Specifically, my little shitty show on Mango Radio.

If there was any question, and I don’t think that there was, I’m a geek.  What spells geek more than saying, “Yea… I have a radio show on the internet.”

I’m such a dork.

But I like my little sho