I first saw Ratdog in 1996.

It wasn’t because I was a fan, hell I had no idea who they were.

My buddy told me that we just had to go to Further Festival and who was I to argue. I was 24 years old and an all day hippie festival at the Virginia Beach Amphitheatre in June sounded ideal to me. To be real honest, I wasn’t that interested in the music. The only names in the line up I recognized were Bruce Hornsby and Los Lobos. I only new Los Lobos for their cover of La Bamba and Bruce Hornsby was a little bit ‘Adult Contemporary’ for my taste. I’d never heard of the Headliners, billed as the Ratdog Revue. I was going for the party. A bunch of hippies, outcasts and potheads converging to take the concert experience “Further” in the tradition of Ken Kesey. You know, the guy with Electric Kool Aid Acid Tests.

A few days before the concert, some one tipped me off that Ratdog was the name of the band fronted by Bob Wier and Rob Wasserman. Now Bob Wier I had heard of, the great rhythm guitar player of the Grateful Dead.

Six years earlier, I was in college. My roommate freshman year, Matt, was a true Deadhead. He had concert tapes for dozens of shows. I was familiar with the Dead, of course, Truckin’, Casey Jones, and Sugar Magnolias. But Matt’s tapes contained another dimension of the band that I had never heard before. Extended improv jams in songs like Fire on the Mountain and Eyes of the World. Matt would tell me all kinds of things about the band, perhaps he was trying to convert me. And I heard a lot of Grateful Dead music that year.

I had several opportunities to go see the Dead in the early 90’s, but I never did. I guess I kind of assumed that I would catch them on the next go around of the tour that seemed to never end. But when Jerry Garcia died in 1995, the Grateful Dead dissolved and I would never be able to see them live. I still regret that.

But in 1996,I was going to have the chance to see Bob Wier. I was excited, if I would never see the Dead, this would be the next best thing.

The festival was great. I had a wonderful time. And considering the amount of drugs and alcohol flowing, the people were incredibly laid back. No pushing and shoving, no rudeness, everyone seemed to be happy to be there and happy to be with each other. The music was pretty good too, especially Ratdog.

We had no idea what to expect from them, would it just be the Dead minus Jerry, or would they avoid grateful Dead songs altogether?

They opened with three good old Mississippi Delta Blues songs; Good Morning Little Schoolgirl, Howling and Wang Dang Doodle. Then they played the Dylan classic, Maggie’s Farm. As the music played my mind wandered back to my freshman dorm of all of those songs on Matt’s tapes the one I liked the best was Looks Like Rain. I loved the way Bobby and Donna sang and forth to each other at the end of the song. After Maggie’s Farm, Bruce Hornsby came back on stage and sat at the piano. I can’t express in writing the surge of joy I felt when I heard the opening chords to Looks Like Rain. I got up and danced. And for the rest of the night and continued to just feel the music and dance with it.

The band continued into a smoking version of rhythm and blues classic, Juke. Next a Bob Wier tune, The Winners and then into a nice Easy to Slip/ Supplication jam. A bass solo, featuring the Star Spangled Banner, set up Turn on Your Lovelight to round out the set. For an encore Bob and Rob came back out with Hornsby and Mickey Hart (and probably some others, but I’m not sure) and played Wilson Pickett’s In the Midnight Hour, Dylan’s immortal All Along the Watchtower and Buddy Holly’s Not Fade Away.

A few weeks later, I went to a Smashing Pumpkins concert. The crowd was rude and there was plenty pushing and shoving. Billy Corgan stopped playing in the middle of one of their most popular songs and threw a temp tantrum cause some one from the audience had manged to throw a glow stick up on the stage. The whole thing just left a bad taste in my mouth. I swore off concerts, figuring that perhaps I had simply got too old for them.

I didn’t even consider seeing a concert for over ten years.

I hear people complain about the injustice and the difficulties caused by the beginning of daylight savings time. I, on the other hand, couldn’t be happier about it.

I mean I hate having an hour cruelly plucked away from me in the middle of the night as much as anyone. And I get irked by the whole ’spring forward, fall back’ thing.

“How am I supposed to change the time?”
“It’s spring so we SPRING forward!”
“That’s wonderful but it doesn’t help me. Sunday Morning at 2:00 AM what time will it become?”
“What do you mean?”
“Will it be One or Three?”
“Three.”
“Why couldn’t you just say so.”

I guess I’m just to literal, but it’s much easier for me to remember what exactly it is I’m supposed to do, instead of have to decipher some cutesy little phrase.

Still, it’s worth the minor inconveniences.

The Beginning of Daylight Savings Time marks the end of my annual battle with the cold dark days of winter. Sure there will still be some cold, maybe even some snow, but it won’t last. Today I walked out of the gym at seven o’clock and it was still light. It gives me hope that summer will be here soon.

And I’m not a big fan of the Congress, but moving it 3 weeks earlier was brilliant. Way to go guys! Now if you can just address this stupid war and the failing economy, you’d be on the right track.

From me longer days signal the coming of spring. And spring means being outdoors. Camping, hiking, boating and backpacking. A few of my favorite things.

And suddenly, I don’t feel so bad.

I really am pathetic. For the last 9 weeks or so, I’ve been walking around, more often than not, angry, depressed and just plain miserable.

Today the sun comes out, the temperature climbs close to 70 degrees and I feel great. Everything is looking up.

Am I that much not in control of myself? The weather dictates my mood and I have no say in the matter?

It doesn’t seem reasonable. I think it’s been this way all of my life, although I’ve only recognized recently.

And for the last several years, I’ve asked myself the same question. If the gloom, cold and sort days of winter make me so fucking miserable, why don’t I just move some place that stays warm and sunny all year? Like Florida or Arizona.

There is no good answer. Except that uprooting my whole family and quitting a perfectly good job to move hundreds of miles away on the hope that better weather will cheer me up, just doesn’t seem reasonable. Yet… I still think about it.

There is no doubt that I will end up some place where the sun shines more often than not. It just may take till I retire and that won’t be any time soon.

At least, for now, I know that winter is nearing the end. Around here winter doesn’t seem to just stop and then spring magically starts. It seems more complex than that.

It starts with a day like today. A day that seems like spring has finally arrived. But I know better. Winter will re-assert itself. Spring will continue to pop up. Here and there. And each time, it will last a little longer, and winter will be weaker each time it tries to make itself known. Till finally winter just never comes back.

I can’t wait.

… but I think my chi is all fucked up. Or maybe it’s karma. Or maybe it’s just shit.

Things aren’t right, but I know that the root of all of it is me. There are some external factors fucking with me, but mostly it’s just me.

Nothing seems right. And I can’t fix it. As a matter of fact, quite the opposite. Whatever attempt I make to fix things, seems to make it worse.

Some times, when shit is off like this, I rage a bit and then feel better. But we’re well beyond raging. I don’t know what to do when this happens. (Yes, it has happened many times before.) So I get manic. And obsessive.

So far this week, I’ve updated my long lost forum. Well, a little bit. I’ve imported a number of Ratdog and Dead shows into my iTunes. Edited, organized and tagged several hundred photos. Researched alternatives for streaming my stupid radio show. Cleaned the kitchen. And all of that in my free time. I’ve spent most of my time at work.

Don’t think that it stops when I’m at work either. I’ve organized my files. Updated my address book and calendar. Updated all kinds of documentation.

Even my dreams are fucked up.

It’s this same manic behavior that leaves me with 4 or 5 blogs, a radio show, a forum, a (defunct) club and I don’t even know what else.

I don’t enjoy any of this stuff, I just need to DO something. Anything.

It doesn’t work.

I tend to interrupt myself to jump from one obsession to another.

I suppose this will pass, but I don’t know when. Consider yourself warned.

I do hate January. I hate the short, cold gray days. I hate that everything is dead. It’s a stupid time of year. One of these years, I’m gonna say, fuck it and move somewhere that is warm and bright. Florida, Arizona, Somewhere.

I get depressed. I don’t want to, but it seems to be out of my control. I’m sure this has to do with the general deadness of everything. And the lack of sunlight. Every year, I struggle through it.

On the bright side. I have a new toy.

After two and a half years and 100 plus episodes of Shitty Blog Radio, it seemed like it was time for some better equipment. It took me a few hours to get it all working, but after a good test drive tonight, I think I’ve got it.

Of course, new mic or not, Shitty Blog Radio will still suck. You can increase the sound fidelity but it won’t fix the content. You can (of course) tune in Thursdays at 10 PM EST to decide for yourself.

Work has been a drag. Budget cuts and bullshit politics have ground my project to halt. I am beginning to wonder if I am working in the right place.

So, to amuse myself, I follow the Ravens hunt for head coach and watch as the Patriots march on to history. And the good news is… by the time they get there, this god forsaken month will be over.

That last post was relatively upbeat. Mostly this is how I feel, but there is another side to all this.

I’m reminded of this as I sit here at a party, by myself, blogging on my phone.

In spite of my various successes, I still seem to end up alone in the crowd. I’m sure you think that I separate myself, but its not true. I really make an effort to fit in and be a part of things. It just doesn’t work.

So I find myself ending 2007 the same way every year ends. Sitting alone in the crowd. I’m doing my best not to let it get me too down.

It is, however, a reminder that there is still more work to be done in ‘08.

My sinuses are still bothering me. I feel much better than I did the weekend of the blogathon, but I’m nowhere near %100. I can’t breathe. Which makes everything difficult. Especially the gym.

On the flipside, I’ve found a podcast that doesn’t suck. It’s called Podrunner and it’s an hour long mix of techo-ish music all set at a constant beat rate. It’s awesome for running or whatever.

I’ve been told that if I want Shitty Blog Radio to be successful, I have to promote it. It sounds like good advice, but I really suck at self promotion. It seems like bragging or something. Regardless, you should check out Shitty Blog Radio tomorrow night at 10 PM EST. It is the ‘Worst Show on the Internet’ or at least that’s what I’ve dubbed it. What is is mostly is some rage filled nonsense. Or something. Actually, it’s kind of hard to explain. You’d have to hear it.

Thanks to the magic of DVR I’ve seen 3 episode of Star Trek in the last 36 hours. I hadn’t watched good old original Star Trek in years. In my minds eye I had reduced it to not much more than Kirk… speaking in.. intervals that. Make. No. Sense. And paper mache sets, Red Shirted Ensigns and special two handed future punches. It, of course, has all those things, but in spite of that it’s pretty good show. It’s been fun to discover these episode all over again.

Right now I should be packing to go backpacking on Friday. I’m just throwing that out there.

I have struggled with this blogging thing nearly as long as I have been doing it.

I like the idea of putting my ideas down in html and putting them out there to so if anyone gives a shit. On one level this has worked well for me. There have been a surprising amout of people who seem to want to hear what I have to say. On the other hand, it doesn’t work the way I thought it would.

Blogging has become (or maybe it always was) about communities. These are my blog friends. I have to read what they are writing. And we will be like a group. We will join the same traffic generating scams. We will play the same meme games.

I don’t like that. I came here to say something. I hope you’ll listen. But I dont want you to expect me to listen to you. If you have something interesting to say, I’ll listen or I’ll move on. It’s not personal. Or it shouldn’t be. Maybe it should be, I don’t know, but that’s not what I wanted out of this.

I’ve been more frustrated than usual with this recently. This is why I have posted so little.

I was going to shut it down.

Not quit. I still have the urge to express myself in this way. But I was extremely close to shutting it all down and starting somewhere else. And no, I wouldn’t have let you know. Not even you. It’s not personal. But if I let you know. Then I’d let him know. And before long, we’d be right back to here. Just ask Mango. He knows.

But I didn’t. I have some sort of pride in this meager collection of shit. And I don’t want to start over.

I have to refocus. Beside the community aspect, I didn’t fully think out the implications of publishing. It’s on a micro scale, but this must be what columnist deal with every day. The comments are a both wonderful and awful. I love the feedback. I love to know what you think about what I write. But I hate it. Sometimes I want to scream, who asked you? I can never decide if I should respond to the comments or not.

The reality is, this is publishing. On a small scale, but still it is. I’m putting it out there and for that I have to live with the consequences of that decision. I can’t pick and choose who reads this. I can’t do anything about it if you don’t understand what I mean, even though I’ve been as clear as I can be. I can’t censor any reaction, in the comments or else where, that results from what I’ve written. And I can’t worry about those things as I sit to write a new thing.

Like I said, I’m amazed that as many people have listened to me as have. Yet I look around and see that, all things considered I don’t get much traffic. Most blogs get 10 times what I do. I’m told that it’s quality over quantity. I’m told that it’s cause I don’t play the ‘game.’ This is probably true. But I can’t help wonder, why not me? Why shouldn’t people want to not only read this, but urge others to? But it doesn’t work that way. Not for me. And if I’m going to be true to me, then I need to accept that.

I’ll keep it up. At least I’ll try to. This blog and the stupid radio show. I think that for some reason, I’m more comfortable with the Radio thing than the blogging. I guess it’s a matter of expectation. The SBC, I’m not so sure of. I think it’s time has past. I look at the blogs who request membership. I don’t think they get it. Maybe I should let it fade away. And don’t worry, if I do I’ll run Shitty Blog Survivor from here. I do like that. It’s been fun this year.

Still, sometimes I hope that people will ‘get’ me. That I’ll have dozens of readers instead of 5. But I’m full of shit. I’m not cut out to be popular. I never was. And I never will be. There’s more to popularity than people liking you, you have to play the ‘game.’ And I quite simply can’t do that.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have 18 hours of Star Trek on my DVR.

First and foremost, thank you again to each and everyone of you that sponsored me. It really means a lot to me. In theory, the blogathon people will send you an email asking you to fulfill your pledge, but I’ll let you in on a secret. You can go to your profile at blogathon.org and click on edit next to this blog under “Your Pledges.” On that page you can simply push the button that says, “Fulfill this pledge directly with Freedom from Hunger now” and then fill out the Online Donation form at Freedom from Hunger.

I don’t really like to acknowledge it when I’m sick, I always want to think that I can just will it away, mind over matter style. But it doesn’t work that way. I have a sinus infection. And I don’t feel good at all. This made this blogathon much harder for me than it otherwise would have been. The headache that I had during the whole thing tested my patience and made me even grumpier than usual.

There are some aspects to the blogathon that really do irk me. I feel it could be better organized and designed to be much more inclusive to all participants. It also steams me that BE and Lewis get all kinds of plugs when they don’t even raise a cent for charity (at least not that I could see.) There were at least 2 stations involved with this blogathon were playing music and supporting charity.

In the waning moments of the blogathon, I had an epiphany. I am a lousy blogger. Occasionally, people try to swell my head by telling me that I am a good writer. Who knows, maybe I am, but that doesn’t making me a great blogger. I don’t need to be a great blogger, but I had never made that distinction before. The one thing I could do to be a better blogger is to post much more regularly. I’ll try. I’ve had some issues with this blog and I’ve been real tempted to scrap it. But I think I should keep it. I mean it’s over 3 year old, I’d hate to start over.

Who knows, after a good night sleep all this may seem very different to me.

Mango has donated $60 in honor of his Grandmother, Meta Conway. She passed away this past week.

I know that this has been a difficult week for Mango and I am touched that he has decided to honor her memory is this way.

Hell, I’m as close to speechless as I get.

Thanks, dude. Be well.

So I decided on a block of Floyd. Since my only listener doesn’t get the difference between real Floyd and new Floyd. We consider this to be educational programming. Besides the Floyd makes me happy.

I’ve got this Red Bull in front of me still, but I’m trying to hold off on drinking it…

Never mind. I drank it.

I have no idea what the fuck I am going to post about now. So this could get ugly. Or boring. Or just plain lame.

I can hear what you are thinking… (Lame… How can I will the difference?)

Very funny.

Don’t look now… I think I got a second listener.

I may have to resort to watching TV and telling you about. Or should I read comic books to you?

As I was saying…

There is plenty of food, more than enough.

I truly believe that there is enough food out there to prevent chronic hunger forever. It’s just not all in the right place.

We can fix this. (No smartass, I don’t want you to mail that left over piece of pizza to Africa.) A relatively small amount of money can help not only feed people who are starving, but help to education them on how to manage finance and improve infrastructure.

And if it is possible to fix this, and I believe it is, then we must do this. How can it be that there are people starving, when it can be fixed?

So I picked Freedom from Hunger for my charity. They believe, as I do, that hunger can be eliminated.

Hey, you can help too! Five dollars can make a difference. $25 is huge! And $100 would be AWESOME! You want to be awesome, don’t you?

And I’m putting my money where my mouth is. I’m matching 10% of the total pledges. I want to get up to $500 in pledges before this is done. I know it is unlikely, but I would love nothing more than to have to shell out $100 to match a $1000 in pledges.

I’ll be back in 30 minutes. Hell… I’ll be here all day.

Do you ever wonder how people come to choose a charity to get behind? I mean not just blogathon either. How do celebrities end up sponsoring this charity or that charity? I guess they have people for that. People who go find charities that match their interests (and will best serve their PR people.)

I, believe it or not, don’t have people. Yet I still had to pick a charity. For me, this wasn’t easy. I am passionate about many things and there are dozens of charities that address these things. How to narrow it down to one that I am willing to give up a day of my life for. How to pick one that I am willing to ask friends and strangers to support?

It wasn’t easy. But I think that one of the things that upsets me the most is this: I live in a country that thrives on excess. Super-sized fast food, big-fucking-sodas at the convenience store. And Junk Food. Everywhere I look, there is food and too much of it. More than we really need. And that’s fine I guess.

But here’s the rub, if we have so much extra, how is it that anyone, anywhere is starving?

I think this thought is bigger than the time I have… I’ll finish it in the next post!

I went backpacking. Again. I know, it’s almost boring. It was a great weekend.

I’m sure its just me being paranoid, but as the end of Dubya’s term gets closer, I keep waiting for some one to announce that they are extending his term indefinitely, citing terrorist threats and what not.

Thanks Monty, Mango and WK for sponsoring me in the blogathon. You can sponsor me too. Dammit.

Two weeks till training camp starts. I can’t wait.

I got a promotion at work. I am now, officially, a Network Engineer. But you can still call me Jeckles.

I’ve changed my gym routine around a bit. I’ve added more emphasis to muscle training. I’ve also added protein shakes to my diet. I’m seeing good results.

Shitty Blog Radio is stupid. My mother has never listened to it. (And this is a good thing.) But for some reason she keeps telling everyone in my extended family about it. I spent an uncomfortable 15 minutes yesterday, trying to explain to my nice Christian cousins what is I do on the internet radio. Maybe my mom should listen. I bet she’d stop telling family about it.

Shitty Blog Survivor is even dumber.

And now my lunch break is over.

11 days. An ambitious plan. I knew that it was extremely possible that I would not complete the whole trip. And I was at peace with that.

I did, however, think that I would make it further than this.

Details to follow.

For now, I am home a week earlier than I expected to be. I still have next week off, but I am seriously considering going to work. I mean what’s the point of taking Vacation Days just to sit around the house?

Still, I feel refreshed. I got some time off work and spent some time in the woods. These things are important to me.

The backpacking is something I need to think hard about. Be able to walk the Appalachian Trail from beginning to end is a goal I have had for a long time now. And I’ve been working towards being able to complete that goal. Every time I turn down a donut or cookie; every step on the treadmill and stair-stepper is towards that goal. And I’ve done well, but it has left me in a situation that I hadn’t considered before.

While I have prepared myself for this, most of my hiking/camping buddies are not physically or mentally prepared for this. I think that, realistically, if I want to be able to do a long section hike, I will have to do it alone.

I don’t like alone. I don’t care for it one bit. I’ve had times in my life of terrible loneliness. I never feel teh need or desire for long stretches of solitude. I enjoy leaving the world behind when I go backpacking, but I like a companion or two to enjoy it with.

This is a contradiction that I will have to deal with.

I feel that, on some level, maybe it would be healthy for me to come to terms with the solitude. To find a way live quietly with myself, to help me to appreciate the company of others more. But being alone in the woods for several days is a hard thing for to do. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not talking about being a hermit or anything. This time of year, there are several hikers on the AT. I would not be completely isolated, but I would be alone.

This is something I will have to think on for a while. I may sneak out and take a weekend trip by myself and see how it feels, see if this is something I can do.

To be able to do this alone will take a new level of mental toughness, and quite honestly, I don’t know if I am ready for that.

I’m back.

I went camping. Not backpacking, but car camping.

Car camping is so different. We had so much stuff. A big old stove, a propane lantern, a cooler, camp chairs! The funny thing is, compared to the other car campers we were roughing it. We hardly had any stuff compared to most of them. But when you compare it to backpacking, we were living like kings.

Shutter and I took his kid and my younger child out for an overnight camping trip. We had fun, but I have to admit I prefer camping with out the kids. I’m a jerk like that I guess. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good time and I’ll do it again.

Chasing kids around saying, “keep your hat on, keep your gloves on, don’t touch that” isn’t exactly a vacation for me. But I didn’t take my kid camping so I could get a vacation. My parents took us camping every year. I must ahve been about six months old on my first camping trip. Looking back on it, I suppose that economics had a lot to do with it. It is a hell of lot cheaper to go camping than go to Disneyland.

The result was that I (and my brothers too, I think) grew up with an appreciation for the outdoors. Many of my fondest childhood memories revolve around being out in the woods in the Adirondacks or the Blue Ridge Mountains. We would explore the woods near the campsite. I imagined that I was an explorer walking through woods that no one had ever set foot in before. There is something primal and satisfying about sitting around campfire at night.

The point, I suppose, is that I learned these things while camping with my parents. I feel a deep responsibility to take my kids out so that they can have the same opportunity.

To put it more simply, while backpacking is more enjoyable for me, I need to take my kids out to the woods so that they have the chance to learn to love it like I do. And I think they will.

As for this trip, it was a pretty typical camping trip ( except maybe colder than you would have expected in April.) We went for a walk. The kids “discovered” an amphitheater in the woods, a creek an d a pond complete with frog eggs.

We had hot dogs for dinner and S’mores for dessert. Only after feeding them the gooey combination of marshmallow and chocolate did it occur to me that the tradition of giving kids S’mores and then expecting them to be able to lay down and go to sleep is a bit stupid. But we must have worn them out enough, cause they went to sleep with out incident. We buried them in sleeping bags and blankets to keep them warm.

Having put the kids down, Shutter and I finally got a chance to sit down and relax. The temperature continued to drop, be we we dressed warmly and we built the fire up to a nice warm blaze. We sat and talked and laughed till midnight or so.

We woke up and ate a hearty camping breakfast of eggs, pancakes and bacon. And then set ourselves to the task of breaking camp. It is so much easier to break camp when you are backpacking.

We rounded out the morning by taking a fairly long walk up the Appalachian Trail. We walked to the point that is the “official” half way point on the trail. And then we headed home.

I think that it was a successful trip by any measure.

And better yet, I get to go backpacking next weekend.

Captain America is dead.
Shot down in cold blood.

If that doesn’t make you a bit sad, then there must be something wrong with you.

And Marvel, if you think Short-Shipping Captain America #25 will create more ‘buzz,’ you are probably right. But Dammit, why? I just want to be a dutiful little comic book geek and run out collect it. But no. It’s already sold out.

Like he’ll stay dead. I remember back when Superman was dead. That didn’t last either.

I think that it is possible that I’m not really good at this blogging thing. I wonder why it took me two and half years to figure this out.

I’ve been invited to a party in Las Vegas. But I can’t afford to go. It’s just too expensive to fly out there for one weekend.

Doesn’t that just suck?

Don’t answer. That was one of those rhetorical questions.

Today alone, no less than six people reinforced my notion that most people are simply to stupid to be allowed to be left to their own devices.

Remind me to tell you what is wrong with Public Education today, but make sure you have plenty of time when you do.

Also remind me to tell you about my hiking trip from a month ago.

And it snowed. I was really ready for spring. All the signs are here. Daylight Savings is coming. The Orioles are looking good in Spring Training (they do this to more thoroughly crush our hopes in July.) And my narcissus have peaked up thruogh the mulch. Okay, they did that back in January, but you get the point.

I set up MAME on PC. All the better to enjoy Pacman and Burger Time. All I need now is a good, old-school joystick.

Do you ever wish that the Internet was harder to use, just to keep the morons out?

And lastly, I used Puppy Linux to rescue files off of a corrupted Windows Laptop. I’m like a superhero.

To the disappointment of many, I did not freeze to death in the woods.

I might write about the trip, but who knows, I may not. I don’t actually think anyone cares about the details.

While I was out there, I did lot a of thinking. It’s easy to think when you have nothing to do but walk.

I remember thinking to myself; these are good thoughts, I should write about them in the blog. Would you believe that I can’t remember any of it?

It’s true. I suck like that.

I’ve been back two days and already I feel as stressed and miserable as I did before I left, or worse.

I think that there is something wrong with me.

And I have no idea what to do about it.

I feel like I need a new job, or a second one. I suddenly feel like I need to be making more money.

I was going to write about the nice thing that I did today, but I no longer feel like it.
Nice went out the window a few hours ago.

I come home for lunch each day. I only live a few miles from work and I find it to be the easiest way to go.

I am counting my calories these days. With great success, I might add. I have lost 15 or so pounds in the last month. I have twenty some odd to go to reach my goal. I have a ham and turkey on rye with cheese, every day. Heated the toaster oven. I prefer hot meals, for some reason. It is about a 400 calorie meal and it is quite filling.

It must be annoying to people around me when I start talking about calorie this and gym that, but when you are focused on that stuff you think about it a lot. You have to. It is too easy for me to start rationalizing why I can eat this or that. So I stay focused. I eat (give or take) 1000 calories a day. They tell me that I need to eat more. They tell me that my metabolism will slow down to much. I think that they are full of shit and more interested in selling me stuff than they are in me just losing the weight.

My metabolism is fine, thank you very much. I go to the gym nearly every weekday. I get on the treadmill, walk for five minutes to warm up, run for thirty minutes and then walk for five more to cool down. Then I go work some of the weigh machines. I doubt I’ll ever build any muscle worth noting, but I’m told that building muscle burns fat. So I do what I can.

I think about this stuff at lunchtime, because it is the best defense I know against just breaking down and eating out. I have a goal, and I am focused.

Next weekend will be the first big payoff for my efforts. By bringing my weight down, I should have a lot my more energy and stamina when hiking. And since my robot like friend will be coming, I’ll need all the energy I can get.

Other thoughts:

I don’t hate my job today, nearly as much as I did yesterday. But I still don’t like it. If anyone knows of a company hiring Network Engineers in Florida, let me know. Thanks.

I truly hate blogging. Why I do keep doing it? I can’t find a better system for expressing myself. I used to think that blogging would be a truly free and open way to express yourself. It isn’t. People react to what you post. Those reactions influence how you post in the future, whether or not you want them to. And don’t think it’s just me. We wouldn’t get this infighting among bloggers (I’m sure you’ve seen it somewhere) if people weren’t sensitive to how people react.

If you want to get a real feel for the news, turn the volume off and the closed captioning on. You’ll be able to see how they repeat certain concepts over and over again. I never watch the news if I can avoid it, but when I’m on the treadmill I watch whatever is in front of me, often it is Fox News. Last night I saw them report on one guys theory about Sandy Berger destroying National Archive documents. I know nothing about this and I really don’t care, but in read the closed captioning it became clear that what was on the TV wasn’t exactly news.

To paraphrase, the segement went a little like this:

FoxNews: Did Sandy Berger steal documents from the National Archives to hide handwritten notes written by Bill Clinton and high level cabinet members? That’s what one expert believes. Tell us, did Berger steal and destroy these notes?
Expert: I believe he did. If there were handwritten notes and he destroyed them, there may be a cover up.
FN: So Berger could have been destroying handwritten notes, written in the margins.
Expert: Yes, the copies at the national archinves have no notes so he must have destroyed the originals to cover them up.
FN: Has the National Archives seen these notes.
Expert: They are unaware of any notes

Meanwhile, there is a graphic that says “Sandy Burglar” in the background the entire time. I don’t know or care about this, maybe the dude stole and covered up a loads of stuff. But that interview provided no proof of it. What it did do is repeat the accusation over and over again.

I used to worry about the government lying to us. Now they don’t have to. The cable news networks are there to confuse the issues for them.

Lunchtime is over. Maybe we’ll do this again sometime.

I was watching Star Trek yesterday.

I watch Star Trek nearly everyday.

Yesterday, it was The Next Generation variety.

The episode was Tapestry.

Any episode with Q is worth watching, but this episode is probably one of the best they ever did.

The basic idea of the episode is this:

Captain Picard finds himself dead after a phaser blast (or some such thing) makes his artificial heart fail. In the afterlife he is greeted by the apparently omnipotent Q.

Q explains that the reason Picard is a dead is because of the artificial heart, had he still had his human heart he would be alive and well.

Q gives Picard the chance to go back and do it all over again, a chance to avoid the fight with an ugly alien that resulted in him getting a new heart.

Picard suddenly finds himself back in his 20-something self. He’s a Ensign just out of the Academy, out with his best friends from the Academy for one last weekend out, before they go to their first assignments as Star Fleet Officers.

Picard relives the weekend, this time with the perspective of a middle aged, successful Star Fleet Captain. He manages to prevent the fight with the Aliens from happening, and he never gets stabbed in the heart. As a result, he never gets an artificial heart.

Q returns him to the present, and Picard finds that he isn’t Captain of the Enterprise, he is a Lieutenant in Astrophysics who spends his days running reports and analyzing data. He is relieable, but unspectacular. He will never advance beyond this post in this new present.

Q visits Picard one last time. He explains that by avoiding that fight, the young Picard never found his life in danger, never decided to live for the now, never learned to take chances.

Or more simply put, his past, especailly the parts of it that he wasn’t proud of, were intregral to making him into the man that he became.

Q sends him back to his younger self again, this time Picard allows himself to be drawn into the fight, knowing full well that is could cost him his life in the present. Death, he decides, would be preferable to surviving as a man that is a pale imitation of his self.

This episode is great.

I have so many regrets about my past, and watching this episode always reminds me, that what I’ve experienced— good and bad— has made me who I am.

I still have room for improvement. (Lots of room.) But the place for improvement is right here and now, not in wishing that this or that had gone differently.

I have been thinking recently.

The above sentence is ridiculous on many levels.

I am always thinking.

“You think too much.”

You wouldn’t believe how often I’ve heard that.

But, as usual, I have been thinking. And what I have been thinking about is choices and risks.

I am risk adverse. I mean, I’m okay with Roller Coasters and Rock Climbing. Those kinds of things don’t scare me. But when it comes to ‘life decision’ things, I’m as conservative as Newt Gingrich.

I look around and I’m not happy with what I see. There is nothing special about where I live or the job that I have. I have family here, but we don’t see each other very often.

I think that I should pack my shit and move my family to somewhere new. Somewhere sunny. There are IT jobs everywhere and most of them probably pay better than the one I have.

I should do it. I should but I don’t.

The what if’s eat at me.

So I keep doing the same thing.

I don’t even know that this is a bad thing. I am what I am. I have a tremendous amount of respect for anyone who can just pack up and move to go get what they want.

Maybe the problem is that I don’t know what I want.

Maybe the problem is that I think too much.

Where have I been you ask?

That’s a funny kind of question, isn’t it? I’m right here where I’ve always been. But I know what you mean.

I haven’t felt like blogging. I’m not talking about the disgust or frustration that I usually find myself feeling about blogging. I just haven’t felt like it.

I sit down with this notion that I will blog, but instead I end up playing Pac Man for an hour.

Some times I think that I have something to say, but when I sit here in front of the ole super computer I don’t say it.

Go figure.

I guess it is part of an apathy that has been threatening to overwhelm me.

Or maybe its that my life is too boring to be put into words.

Or maybe, just maybe, I can’t remember why I blog.

I know why I started. At that time, I thought that I had something unique to say. But I’ve learned that I don’t. If the Internet teaches nothing, it should teach us that there is nothing new under the sun.

Let’s blame the short days and the unnaturally warm weather. (It’s true, I prefer warmer weather, but this has just seemed wrong.)

I’ve lost my center. I seem to be drifting. This happens from time to time. But I really need to get it back. Luckily, I have just remedy. I have a trip scheduled — yes a backpacking trip, is there any other kind — in early February. And I seem to recall that I swore to myself that I wouldn’t go backpacking in the cold of winter anymore. (It also occurs to me that I had made and broke that oath before.) But it is necessary. To attempt to limit the amount of freezing and shivering that will happen, I’ve rented two Cabins that we will hike to. The are equipped with fireplaces, wood stoves and four walls. It will be great.

And with any luck, I’ll be able to re-center myself.

At least, I hope I will.

Yes. I am going to say Brian Billick should be coach of the year. He won’t be. But he should be.

You should understand that I don’t say this simply because I’m a Ravens fan. Honestly, I was one of the ones who last year was calling for Billick to be fired. The team was a disaster. Ray Lewis was injured and not speaking to anyone. Jamal Lewis was mad at the terms of his new deal. The Defense was openly criticizing the Offense for not be able to stay in games. There was no discipline. And Billick instead of addressing it, made excuses for it.

By the end of the season, most people felt that he would (and should) be fired. But Biscotti did something rarely seen in pro sports. He held a press conference, with Billick in attendance, and announced to the media that Billick would not be fired, but he expected changes. He went on to list them. Billick would stop being so arrogant. He would stop condescending to the media. He would be more connected to the team. He would listen to players. He would stop being soft in practices and at training camp.

I think all of us have probably had, at some point or another, a conversation with a boss where that boss outlined how we could be a better employee. It’s not fun, especially, the points that we know are right. I cannot image how it would feel to have that conversation happen in front of the entire world, should they be inclined to watch.

By the time you read this, Sean Payton of the Saints will have won the Coach of the Year honors. And what he has done as a rookie coach has been impressive. But he’s had some help. The other new arrivals in the Big Easy (Drew Brees, Reggie Bush, Marques Colston and Mark Simoneau) had a lot to do with the turn around season for the Saints.

The Ravens on the other hand haven’t changed much in the way of personnel. As a matter of fact the most significant change has been the addition of Steve McNair. But you have to understand that before signing McNair, Billick had to first admit he was wrong about Boller. Something he had been unwilling to do in the past.

Billick has done something most of could not have. He decided that he wanted to stay and he wanted to win, so he swallowed his pride (and in Billick’s case that is no small task) and made the changes demanded by Biscotti.

And the changes have paid off. The Ravens are the number two seed in the AFC and on top of the tough AFC North. They have an impressive 13-3 record, the best in team history. They swept the arch-rival Steelers and are favorites to make it to the AFC Championship Game.

Billick took a 6-10 team full of locker room divisions and sloppy play and turned them into a team that has every right to believe that they belong in the Super Bowl. He did it by putting his ego aside and doing what needed to be done. And for that he deserves Coach of the Year.

I’m in a shitty mood this morning. Of course, it is almost afternoon. This isn’t helping my mood out at all. But none of that matters.

From inside my skull:

I’ve been looking a bit at the new Vista OS. It’s pretty good, of course it ought to be after 5 years or so of development. I have been planning to make some changes to my ’supercomputer.’ Initially, I was thinking of putting some flavor of Ubuntu on it, but now I’m considering Vista. Linux or Vista? There are good reasons for both. I love the whole Open Source thing and the implied geekiness that goes with Linux, but Vista is new and shiny. Plus, sooner or later I’ll be supporting Vista at work, the more familiar I am with the better off I’ll be. At the moment, I’m totally undecided.

I can’t help thinking that we haven’t seen the worst of this Iraqi sitiuation yet.

There are all kinds of playoff implications in todays games. Not only in the NFL but in my Fantasy Football League. So in addition to the Ravens, I’ll be rooting for LT, Jerricho Cotchery and Eli Manning.

Monday Night Football presents me with a unique dilemma Assuming the Ravens win today. If Indy wins, the Ravens clinch the AFC North. If Cincy wins we clinch the Playoffs but not the AFCN. However we will move into Second Place in the overall standings in the AFC. I think I’ll just go with my gut here and root against Cincinattica.

I really need to go backpacking. This mild weather has only made this fact more obvious to me. Spring cannot get here fast enough.

The middle of next week will mark the shortest day of the year. I look forward to it, only so I can start seeing the days get longer again. All this darkness puts a hurting on my psyche.

I hurt my foot while running the other week. Nothing serious, but it does hurt when i put my weight on it. I kept running each day, hoping that it would work itself out. It did not. I believe that my sneakers were the culprit. So I switched shoes, but the pain is still there. And there is nothing more pathetic than seeing a middle aged guy hobbling along in a half run-half limp on the treadmill. I bought some new running shoes this weekend, which in the long run should help. My problem is what to do about the short term. I don’t run on the weekends, so it has had a chance to heal some, but if it still hurts tomorrow, I’ll have to make some choices. Either I just take a week off, I use the Elliptical Machines for a week (which will put less strain on my foot, but causes my knees problems,) or I just keep running. None of those are great options.

Every time I hear about Hilary Clinton getting ready to run for President, it makes me happy. Not for any particular reason, it just feels like a good thing.

I am sick of work. Luckily I’ll get the last week of the year off. Hopefully, I can come back re-charged.

Is privacy important?

The nature of this question keeps changing. Should we sacrifice a little privacy to make the world safer? To make it more convenient?

It seems that this question is no longer academic for me.

At work we got a new piece of equipment. A network analyzer to go with our firewall. Our Network Analyst, who is responsible for the firewall has been testing it out.

It seems that there is very little information that is hidden from him.

Oh. I know the information has always been there, for anyone with the right tools and enough time. But this has raised the stakes. He can read in near real time what you are saying on IM or what web page your are reading. Who you are logged in as.

If he were inclined, he could know just about anything I did on line, with no more effort than you are expending to read this blog.

He let our Network Engineers know about the capabilities of this device by reading verbatim an IM conversation between to of them.

The reaction in the room was unanimous: Fuck this.

Like I said, we know that nothing is safe or secret in the electronic world. We know that better than most people. We also know the pure volume of stuff happening on the network at any given moment should mean that whatever we do is just part of the noise.

Not anymore.

Of course, the argument always goes— if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear.

Like most old arguments, it’s dead wrong.

Typical Chat conversation:

jeckles:dude
shutter:what’s up!
jeckles:that meeting was lame!
shutter:oh yeah?
jeckles:fuck yeah. you should have heard the dumbass shit that so and so was saying.
shutter:hahahhaha. I know so and so is such a tool… why do they invite him to those meetings
jeckles:to make me nuts, I think

Harmless. Just a little venting between co-workers. I’m sure it happens all the time. But what if ’so and so’ got access to the logs of the analyzer? Yeah. That would be bad.

And even if I refrained from criticizing or insulting anyone on IM, would it still be OK?

No.

Imagine if your boss offered you overtime to work on a project. You declined because you had plans for the weekend. You don’t tell your boss that your plans are to watch all 12 hours of LotR, its none of her business. But when you tell your buddy about your plans and she sees the logs…

What if some one was planning to quit? That’s not illegal or immoral, yet you wouldn’t want anyone at work to no about it before you told them.

The scenarios are endless. The fact remains that recording personal conversations is wrong. It’s probably legal, but what’s legal and what’s right often don’t line up.

There is a need to monitor what happens on a network and to control the kinds of traffic that is on the network. But there has to be a way to do it without spying on your own employees. I’d rather have IM blocked than monitored.

So what happened at work?

We downloaded and install a tool to encrypt our IM. Our Network Analysts blocked our IM. Our CIO said, “You guys can encrypt it? Send me the link.” Our Analyst backed off.

But this isn’t going to go away.

What should you take out of this? Two things.

Protect your privacy. If you think you have nothing to hide, you underestimate the ill will people can possess.

And if you IM me while I’m at work, assume what ever you type is being read. Cause it probably is.

I spend a lot of time thinking about Christmas, this time of year. Not so much the what am I going to get nor what I plan to give. I think more about how does Christmas fit into my life and that of my family.

I guess for most people, that kind of thing is just a given. For me it’s harder. I’m an atheist.

Before we go any further, let’s talk about that statement.

I’m an atheist. By that I mean I don’t believe in god. I do NOT mean that I am sick of religion, that I am immoral, that I hate Christians, that I am trying to make some sort of statement, that deep down inside I really do believe. I have people try to assign those things to me, but they do not apply. I just don’t believe. Sorry. I’ve thought a lot about it during the course of my life. I’ve read huge chunks of the Bible as well as parts of the Koran, some Hindu and Buddhist works, the Book of Mormon and even several issues of the Watchtower. I’ve read and I’ve examined my thoughts and beliefs. But at the end of the day, I just don’t believe.

Having said that, part of me feels like I have no right to celebrate Christmas. It’s a Christian Holiday, why would I celebrate? To be honest, at first the only reason I did celebrate it was for the kids. Actually, that’s not even true. I did it for my mother. She would have been ruined if I didn’t give my kids Christmas.

So we had Christmas. At least most of it. Christmas Tree, presents in the morning, lights on the house. No church. No Jesus. I do mention to my kids that a lot of people are celebrating the birth of Christ. They should be aware of that. But you’ll find no Nativity Scenes at the Jeckles household.

The funny thing is this, I found that I enjoyed it. As a matter of fact, I enjoyed it a lot. I guess a lot of my objections to Christmas as a teenager and a young adult came from the obligatory Church Services. They made me feel so uncomfortable and so unwelcome. But as I started my Christmas traditions with my own family I was able to really enjoy them.

At first, I felt guilty for celebrating. Like I was an impostor or something. But as I look around, it occurs to me that there are really two holidays that happen at the same time. The Christian Christmas with it’s Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus. Shepherds, wisemen and angels. But there is another Christmas. The secular Christmas. A holiday of Santa Claus and Rudolph. Of Lights and food. Of gift giving.

I choose to celebrate the latter.

There are aspects of this time of year that bother me. And if I have nothing else to be thankful for on Thanksgiving, I am thankful that I do not work retail any more. No one should have to suffer through that. I have many reasons to dislike Christmas. But I choose not to let it get the best of me. I think I need Christmas, and not for the reason you might guess.

I suffer in the winter. I need the sunlight. The short days and the gray skies fill me with despair. But these last few years, the years I have celebrated Christmas my way with my family, I have found that when it seems that the darkness will overwhelm me, there is light.

There is light everywhere. Christmas Trees. Lamp post with lighted wreaths. And miles and miles of lights strung out through the neighborhoods.

Christmas is not perfect for me. I guess nothing is. But it brings light to the darkest days of the year. And for me, that is reason enough to celebrate.

I have been seriously questioning why I still doing this.

I think that most of the people who used to read this have moved on.
And writing it feels like a chore.

I go through cycles on this shit. Hot and cold.

Right now, I feeling cold.

I sit down to post something, but don’t. I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like reading the well meaning comment from people who don’t understand what I’m trying to say.

Like this post. I’m not look for someone to talk me into keep blogging. Shit. That’s the last thing I want.

When I started doing this, I wanted a place to put my thoughts out there and that was it. But it’s changed. Once people started reading, that changed everything. Then I started thinking about what the readers thought.

The problem, I suppose, is that I really don’t like people.

I really don’t. As I am sitting here trying to type this, this buffoon I work with is trying to give me his malformed opinion of a presentation/meeting we had at work. It’s taking all of the strength I have not to say, “I don’t give a shit what you think. Shut up and leave alone, can’t you see me typing here.”

I guess that makes me not a nice person. I kind of wish I were a nice person, but it doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me. I am who I am. I am a product of the events that have shaped me and there isn’t much to be done about it.

Back to the point, Blogging seems to be an interactive/community kind of thing. My general dislike for people doesn’t work well with that.

So I ask myself, should I keep doing this and just say fuck ‘em, when the other bloggers rub me the wrong way? Or should I pack it up and try something else?

I don’t know. Not right now anyway.

I’m not here to make friends. I’m not here to get your approval. I’m not here to fit in to some sort of community. And I’m not here to be judged.

I’m here to say what I think. And recently, that seems more trouble than it’s worth.

It’s Thanksgiving, which for me means food, football and family. Usually too much of the first and third and not enough of the second. But that’s how it is supposed to be.

As far as holidays go, this is one of my favorites. Although I get tired of it marking the beginning of teh Christmas ‘Season.’ Christmas is one day. It bugs me that we, as a culture, can’t seem to enjoy something on it’s own merits. We seem to need to tie it in to something else.

But it is a small irritation, it sits on the periphery and will not interfere with my day.

Sometimes it seems like I should enumerate the things I am thankful for. But I don’t work that way. The Pilgrims were thankful to their god for providing for them. My belief structure doesn’t work that way. What I have and what I do not is a combination of hard work and luck. And I’m not sure who I am supposed to be thanking. Besides, I don’t need a special occasion to tell me what I have to be happy about.

I’m to cynical for my own good, I know. But that too is on the periphery.

Today I am focused on turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy. Pumpkin pie and apple too. Parents, grandparents and kids. Brothers and sisters. Nieces and nephews. Joey Harrington’s return to Detroit and Tony Romo’s bid for greatness. Conversation and laughter.

I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving in the way that is special to your family. And if you are one of those readers from outside of the United States, you have my condolences, you are missing out. Have an extra big dinner and try to enjoy it.

Peace.

I think that what is wrong with me… and don’t doubt for a minute that something is wrong with me. What is wrong with me may be that I don’t know what I want.

Or perhaps as my wife says, “You think to much about stuff.”

It’s true. But that doesn’t matter. I can’t help it.

Warning. This post is long, boring and probably filled with self pity. If that is a problem for you go read something else.

Work is making me nuts. Not the job itself, but my co-workers. To explain…

It’s complicated. Of course it is, probably because I’ve thought about too much.

I don’t think I’ve blogged too much about this, mostly because I have no desire to whine about things here. But to understand, you have to understand the back story.

At my job, and you probably have some one like this at your job too, there is this guy. He’s an idiot. Truly. Let’s call him Buddy. To add insult to injury, unlike many of us he a College Diploma, though I can’t imagine how. He knows less about computers than most of our users. He doesn’t understand the network. He can’t multi-task. He’s a hold over from a different time. Before there was IT. He was the ‘tech.’ A hardware monkey that could set up dot matrix printers and Apple IIe’s and whatever else. No real technical skill need.

But bureaucracy works in funny ways. You promote people for working somewhere a long time, you bounce him from department to department. Until somehow, he’s a “Network Engineer.” Of course no one thinks that he could do anything remotely like what a Network Engineer needs to do. So they put him in charge of ordering parts and processing repairs. They stick him in a warehouse and forget about him.

I don’t care about any of that. Not really. It burns me a little bit that this monkey gets paid more than me. A lot more than me. But his paycheck is his business and I know that.

Our department is growing rapidly and our office is over crowded as a result. Another tech and myself get relocated out to the warehouse. Since we are onsite technicians it shouldn’t matter to much.

And it doesn’t.

So when I am at my ‘desk,’ I get to see Buddy in action. It’s a site to behold. He talks to himself, get frustrated the first time doesn’t go the way he thinks it should, and he cannot trouble shoot anything. First roadblock and he’s on the phone with a real engineer. He cusses and yells and throws temper tantrums. But we accept this, for no reason other than this is just how he is.

Life goes on. I even take a vacation. On my first day back, I come in to catch up on email and what not. Buddy is all worked up. It’s early and he’s already cussing and yelling and freaking out about something or another.

“How do you assign admin rights to a new account? This doesn’t make any sense.”

Admin rights? I ask him needs admin rights. Chris does. I find out that his son, Chris has been hired to be the Help Desk guy. There are 3 other techs in the warehouse this morning. I look to my buddy and he gives me the same puzzled look.

“Helpdesk doesn’t get admin rights.” We both say.

Buddy loses it. His face gets all red, the chords in his neck jump out.

“YOU”RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE, JECKLES! A FUCKING ASSHOLE!”

Nice. Wow. As it turns out he was trying t figure out he get Chris Rights to the Help Desk, not Admin rights. But he flipped on me. What did I do?

I walked away. I got a cup of coffee. And when I came back, I simply asked him to please interact with me in professional manner. He proceeded to explain to me what a jerk I am, and I just tuned it out.

And life goes on. Interrupted occasionally by outburst from Buddy.

Until last month.

I was sick, and had been for a while. I was running a fever. I had my laptop set up on the work bench, since some other tech had hijacked ‘my desk.’ But since I don’t really have a desk, I can’t complain. I have my headphones in and I’m trying tto work while tuning out the idiocy around me. In other words, a pretty typical day.

Buddy keeps reaching right over my head for something. I ignore once, twice, but three time is too much. Three times of having his meaty arm in front of my face. Three time of having his disgusting gut right up next to me. It’s too much.

“Do you want me to move?” I ask, making no attempt to hide my displeasure.
“I’m just trying to do my fucking job!” He screams at me.

Too much. Too much Buddy. Too much working while sick. Too much not having a desk to work at.

“What do you think I trying to do. I don’t have anywhere else to fucking sit? Do you think I Sat to fucking inconvenience you? Jesus Fucking Christ. Don’t fucking worry about it. I’ll move out of your fucking way!”

I picked up my laptop and stomped off.

Not my most shining moment, I know. But given the environment and the history I didn’t think much of it… until my boss called me in her office.

I got warned. I was told that we don’t act like that. I was told the F-Bomb was inappropriate. Somehow, I managed to not point out that she had no problem dropping the ole F-Bomb.

She asked if this was an isolated incident, I told no it wasn’t and I gave her the history.

I didn’t get in trouble beyond that. And they managed to find me a desk back in the office.

Problem solved.

Except that it is not. This is where the problem begins. Word gets around. People joke about me losing my cool. Suddenly I have a reputation as a hot head. As some one who will lose his temper at the drop of a hat.

My boss doesn’t chat with me anymore. People are careful around me.

I can’t stand it. And I think my career path here will be affected by this. My boss doesn’t think of me as reliable tech with loads of knowledge about Active Directories and everything else. She sees me as a potential liability.

And every time I hear some one say something like, “Hey Jeckles, I know that user is a total idiot, try not to yell at him.” It knocks the wind out of me. And there are comments. Some obvious. Some subtle. It makes each and every work day hell.

I am so tired. Tired of the shit. Tired of shooting myself in the foot again and again. Tired of not being able to succeed.

And I don’t see any rest in sight.

I think I’ve mentioned that before.
That was Sarcasm. We both know I’ve said it again and again.

Blogging frustrates the shit out of me.

I started reading blogs four or five years ago. I had a few that I enjoyed. Of course, with the exception of WWdN, they are all gone.

I don’t read blogs to make friends. I rarely comment. I’m not really looking to interact with the blogger. What I enjoy is a glimpse into a stranger’s life. It is voyeurism of a sort. But it is different than peeping through window and trying to catch a glimpse of someone’s life. When you read a blog, you a peeping into a person’s life, not through the window, but through their own eyes.

That is one of the oddest things about this whole blog as community concept. When you interact with people out there in the real world, you derive a perception of that person. You see their body language, you observe how they interact with different people, you hear other people comment on that person, and most of all, you have your own direct interaction with them. The sum of these experiences (and more) is your mental sketch of this person.

But here in the blogoshere, it is whole different ball of wax. Your first impression of any blogger is based on a combination of how they see themselves and how they want to be seen. By the nature of the medium, bloggers give a false picture of themselves. No matter how honest they may be in their blogging, the way that they see themselves is going to be radically different than how we perceive them.

But that’s not the part that frustrates me. That was just a tangent. Sorry about that.

I don’t want to try to read hundreds of blogs. What I want to do is find a few that resonate with me and read them. And that’s what I do. But… and this is the part that frustrates me… I find a dozen blogs or so I enjoy and go read them. And after a while some of them will stop posting. Some of will them will become less interesting to me as the blogger begins to focus on different things. Of course, I understand that they can blog about whatever they want and they should. I am not reading because I am friends with that person but because I want something interesting to read. If what you write doesn’t interest me, well you’ve got nothing for me to read. And before you know it, I have nothing to read. Then I have to go find more to read.

I am subscribed to 44 blogs in Bloglines. Yet most of those update very infrequently. And when I sit down at my computer and want to read a blog there is nothing there for me.

So I will go find more, but that is a painful process. I can’t stand most blogs. I’ll parse through the shit looking for something worth reading.

And when I find it, that blog I want to read, I’ll just have to hope that I have a little time before it one fades away.

It is, as I sit here waiting for a computer to re-image, that I question what I am doing with my life?

With my career in this case. I guess I’m tied to IT for better or worse, but this? This end user support?

I’m over-qualified for this. Is it cocky to say that? Perhaps, but it is true. I have the knowledge and intelligence to be designing enterprise scale networks. I should be a network engineer. But instead, I’m an onsite support technician. A computer re-imager and part-swapper.

You may be wondering why I don’t just leave and get another job. Honestly, I’m considering it. But, as is often the case, it is that simple. There is room for advancement here, in time. And the pay is decent. It’s close to home and I get a lot of vacation and sick time. A whole lot. And most importantly, it’s low pressure, low stress.

Do I really want to give up benefits for a more challenging job?

I don’t know. But I’m thinking it over real hard.

I was supposed to go back packing next weekend, but it looks like that fell through. I will still try to get something to together, but it isn’t looking hopeful. I only have a few more opportunities to go backpacking before I have to wait until spring. And I really wanted to get to Delaware Water Gap on the AT this year.

I got a new set of headphones for my iPod. They are Shure E2c Sound Isolating Earbuds. Basically the Earbuds are like earplugs, blocking out the sounds of the outside world and allowing you to hear just the music. They were pricey, but worth it. How good are they? To test them, I played Pink Floyd’s Great Gig in the Sky. I had known that it is rumored to have a woman’s voice saying quietly, “If you can hear this you are dying.” I had heard faintly before, but never could hear her clearly. To my surprise there was a man’s voice at the beginning saying something like, “I not afraid of Dying, why would I be afraid of dying.” In the middle of the song, near the 3:30 mark I heard her. Clearly. She said, “I never said I was afraid of dying.”

Tomorrow is election day. I couldn’t be less excited. I am really beginning to believe that Congress is broken. I don’t know that it matters who we send. And the Gubernatorial race in my great state. It’s Dumb and Dumber. I can’t stand it. I’m not even sure why I’m still planning to vote.

The Ravens are 6-2. There is much I have to say about it, but I won’t. Not yet. I don’t want to jinx them. (I’m only superstitions when it comes to Sports.)

Dork that I am, I organized my comic book collection, made a quick Access Database to keep inventory of them with, and made sure that they all had bags and boards. This proved to me a few things, other than the fact that I am a total nerd. I have weird taste. The titles I have the most of are from Marvel’s 2099 universe and the Marvel Razorline, which was the line of comic Marvel had Clive Barker create. Ever heard of them? No? You’re not alone.

Look! The computer is re-imaged and it is time for me to move on.

Bare with me, I’ve been feeling introspective today.

I think I have spent my life preparing to be disappointed by the rest of it.

Did that make any sense? Probably not.

I didn’t like being a kid. Really. I mean, sure I had some fun. But I spent a lot of time waiting.

Waiting till I’d be old enough to stay up and watch Saturday Night Live.
Waiting till I’d be old enough to watch R rated flicks.
Waiting to drive.
Waiting till I’d be old enough that girls my age thought I was cool. You know what I mean.
Waiting to be old enough to buy my own smokes.
Waiting to be old enough to drink in the bar.
Waiting to be old enough that other adults took me seriously,
Waiting to make enough money.
Waiting.

I’ve wanted to be 40 most of my life, I think.
I was too serious to be a kid.

And now I’ve almost grown in to me.

It’s not all I hoped it would be.

Am I depressed? No.

But I realize that I have no idea what I want from life. I mean no clue.

And this leaves me…

well, off balance.

And after years of practice, the conclusion that want to leap to the front of my mind, is that maybe when I’m older it will make more sense.

I can’t help but feel that this day to day bullshit that I endure is meaningless. That I should pack up the wife and kids and just go. Screw having a job. Screw worrying about money, mortgages and bills.

Just go live.

But I can’t. The “what if’s” rush in anytime my mind wanders down that path.

So here I am. Waiting for something more.

The ironic thing is that I have so much to say.

And yet, many of you would look at this blog and have no idea.

I have so much I want to say, but it is more than just typing out a bunch of words. It’s not words that I am trying to get out here.

It’s ideas.

And that is harder. At least for a no talent hack like me.

I could just sit down at the keyboard and start typing what’s in my head, but that would not give me what I’m looking for.

I’ve learned a lot over the last two years about writing and expressing myself. It’s a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be.

But still, I have to.

It’s why I do this. I’m not looking friends or a sense of community.

I’m try to get these ideas out of my head and out to some one. Anyone.

And let’s be honest, I’m looking for a little feedback.

Sometimes I think that if I could just get my thoughts across, clearly… If I could do that just once, I could stop. I could stop writing all together.

Maybe that’s the thing. Maybe I’m just trying to get a piece of me out there for you. And I keep failing.

Or maybe all of this is just pretentious bullshit.

An inaccurate and incomplete history of Mango Radio according to me.

I’m going to start my own Radio Station. It’s going to be great!

That was the announcement that Marc made. It’s been two years now, I guess. I don’t even know this guy. Just some dude on the Internet. He does start it. Mango Radio, he calls it. That’s his nickname, Mango. It’s a play on his last name. It’s long story. I’m beginning to learn this about Marc. It’s usually a long story.

The station is up. It plays music 24 hours a day. But that alone wouldn’t make it worth writing about.

“Hey man.” Marc IM’s me. “I’m live on the air. Come check it out.”

And I do. I listen as he talks about other people on the Internet. And his job. And growing up in Buffalo. It’s captivating. Listening to this dude just talk about shit. While I listen. Not just me. There is a couple from Ohio. And a chick from Vegas. And Karl.

“Hey Jeck. I’d like to dedicate this song to Finslippy.” He says. And he plays “Somebody Hates Me” by Reel Big Fish. I find myself laughing out loud. It’s funny. An inside joke. I love it.

But after a few months of this it gets stale. I mean, how many times can I tune in and listen to the same songs. Maybe he’s running out of stories. Hell, I could be watching TV. Okay, I couldn’t do that. But you get my point.

“I’m making Big Changes at Mango Radio.” Marc announces. “I’m bringing in other DJ’s to do their own shows. To mix it up.”

A good idea. He announces the DJs. Monogodo. Will Thrasher. Joe. Crash. And Webkittyn. Will Thrasher and WebKittyn have real radio experience and Monogodo has thousands of songs in his library. Crash is Karl in disguise and Joe… Well I don’t know. They will pre-record their shows and Marc will play them at pre-designated times.

“You can do a show if you want, Jeck.”
“No thanks.”

I mean… hell. I’m out classed here. But…

But I want to do a show. I know I can do it. But I don’t want to be laughed off the Internet. I read discussions on the Mango Radio Forum board. The DJ’s are having Technical trouble. Trouble Organizing their music just right. Trouble finding free time. Trouble making their shows just right.

The thought nags in my head. I can do this. But what to do for a show. I don’t know what the fuck to talk about.

An audio companion to the Shitty Blogs Club. That’s it. I recorded 30-some minutes of me babbling. I edited the worst of it out and threw in some music. I mixed it into an mp3 and sent it to Marc.

Ironically, it was the First show to get submitted. And the First to get played. I cringe as I hear my voice on the Internet. Marc says he loves it.

“I had no idea what to expect.” He keeps telling me.

Other Shows follow. Webkittyn Wednesdays, an 80’s music Show. Monogodo’s show. Will Thrasher. They all have some degree of popularity. Some more than others. Some lasted. Some did not. New names were added to the line up. Doom, Utopia, Riss, Chaos Radio. Some lasted. Some didn’t.

The ironic thing, to me, was that almost all of this shows had that same format, talk about this or that and play some music. Sure we each put own stamp on it, but it was variations on a theme.

The thing is Mango still wasn’t happy. He was hoping for the big time. Maybe even get picked up by XM or something. Oh, I’m sure that deep down he knew that was a pipe dream, but still he hoped.

He quit doing a show. And the station kept trucking with out him. He started his show again and nothing much changed.

But in the end, when it came time to renew the contract on the station and to renew the domains, he decided it wasn’t worth the money. And, of course he’s right.

So it’s over. As of Thursday.

But I think that someday, that format will catch on. That psuedo-audioblogging combined with music. I hope when it does, they call it Mango Radio.

In case you don’t know… I have been doing this dumbass ‘Internet Radio Show’ for the last year or so. The imaginary Internet Radio Station that it aired on is going off the ‘air.’ If you want more information go here.

I guess all of this has me thinking about the nature the Internet, as I know it, and the nature of blogging. Which has been an ongoing theme for me. Who knows, maybe I’ll write something about this soon.

The Family and I went on road trip to the Lehigh Gap in Pennsylvania. We climbed the mountain and I took a couple hundred pictures. Maybe someday, I’ll find the time to organize and do something with all of these pictures I keep taking.

I still like my truck. It isn’t very fuel efficient and I guess that makes me a bad person, but I don’t drive far on any given day and I’ll gladly pay more to drive the vehicle I want to drive.

On a related note, I passed an SUV with a bumper sticker that said “High Gas Prices Stink!” I hate them.

I think I will carve a few pumpkins this year. I’m not half bad at it. I was going to link to the photos of last year’s attempts. But it looks like they were lost when BlogCafe went down. I’m sure I have them on this computer somewhere, but… Anyhow. I’ll find ‘em and include them.

I had no idea I liked the Grateful Dead so much. I’ve recently got a bunch of Dead to listen to. I like it. I wish I would have realized that while Jerry Garcia was still alive.

I have a headache.

I used to think that maybe I could be a writer. I got over it.

I am still struggling to figure out how I am supposed to do all the things I want to to do, in the time that I have to do them.

I think that North Korea possessing Nuclear technology may be the single greatest threat to the stability of our world.

I am glad I discovered the Sleuth Channel. Miami Vice is better than anything that the networks are offering these days. Between that, M*A*S*H on Hallmark, and Star Trek on G4; I have all the TV I need.

And as they say on M*A*S*H…

That is all.

Five years ago…

A lifetime ago in some ways.
A different world in many ways.

Five years ago the greatest single tragedy of my lifetime occurred.
I am sure that many will speak of politics, of terror, and patriotism.

I will speak of none of those things.

Five years ago in a very short time frame 2996 voices were silenced.

One of those voices belonged to Luke Rambousek.
He was 27 years old.
He had a passion for Techno Music. Every year he invited friends to his parent’s vacation home in Pennsylvania. They would camp out and indulge in mountains of junk food all day. They would party all night, with Luke manning the turntables himself.

He came from a family with loving parents.
A family with proud Czech heritage.

I have never met Luke.
Never spoke to his parents.

But on September 11, I will mourn his passing.

You are not forgotten Luke.

The victims of 9-11 are not statistics, but fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives who one tragic day, never came home.

Visit the 2996 page to see more tributes.
2,996 (Technorati Tag)

I’m sure it’s just me.

I know it’s just me.

I feel as though I have no time.

But I’m no busier than anyone else.
Hell, I see these parents who run their kids from sports to scouts to who-knows-what. I don’t know how they do it.

I feel so crunched for time.
What ever I’m doing seems to be at the expense of something else.

If I want to work on building a web page, it’s at the expense of getting anything done around the house. If I work overtime, it is at the expense of going to the gym. If I need to run the kids here or there, it means I can’t do anything else.

How do people watch TV? I understand that most people seem to find it entertaining, but how do they find time?

I must be be doing something wrong. Maybe I’m just slow. Maybe it takes me longer to do stuff than other people.

It’s making me a little nuts, I’m sick of feeling behind all the time.

Part of the problem, is that I don’t give myself the weekends. The last 4 weekends, for example, have been visiting family, a back packing trip and 2 trips to the lake. (And I’m going backpacking next weekend too!)

It’s good that I get to relax and do these things, but I keep slipping behind on everything else.

If only I had more time.
If only I had more energy.

At least I found time to write this.

I went to the gym today.

This is significant mostly because I didn’t go last week. I was too tired on Monday from the blogathon, and everything went down hill from there.

And as is my tendency, I added insult to injury by over eating all week.

The treadmill kicked my ass. I was useless. I had to stop after 20 minutes. This doesn’t make sense at all, I’ve taken more time off and been able to run for 30 minutes.

I don’t know what combination of factors were at work, but it sucked.

I got into a discussion at work about Israel, Lebanon and Hezbollah. I didn’t mean to. Nothing good ever comes from these kinds of conversations. It just sort of happened.

The what of the conversation doesn’t really matter. What surprised was not that he disagreed with me on this, I’m used to that my views are less than popular. What I found shocking that this man, who is by far one of the smartest people I know, was giving me the same stupid arguments I’ve heard on FoxNews and the like. I would have expected a more original line of reasoning.

I was a bit disappointed.

And too many people overheard the conversation. I guess I’ll get the evil eye for thinking unpopular thoughts around the office for a while.

Good thing I don’t spend much time in the office.

I’m a smart guy. I should be able to handle Time Zones. But it screws me up every time.
And of course, I’m talking to people from all over the place today.
“I’ll do this at 5.”
“It’s almost 2.”

I don’t know when you mean. I guess it’s cause I live on the Eat Coast and I’m spoiled a bit.
Everything is always in eastern time for me.

I just won a contest.

I know I said I wasn’t doing contests… I didn’t mean to. It just happened.

Over at Stale Betty’s. Go figure.

Am I losing my mind (don’t answer) or did I see a commercial for a Miami Vice Movie? (you can answer that)

I need to stretch my legs.
I think my ass is going numb.
I know, that was too much information.
Oh. Well.

I seem to have degraded into some kind of free association here.

Theme for this 24 hour thing: I suck!

I told myself I would write thank you’s to the people who sponsored me.
Nothing long, but it is important to let people know.
I did good. At first.

So I’m making up for it now.

Yes I’m writing little thank you emails instead of writing something clever.
OK. There was no fear of me being clever.

I’m taking a break from the thank notes to say:

Thank you to all of You anonymous sponsors!

It doesn’t matter who you are. I appreciate the support!

Now back to my thank you notes.

I mentioned that last post.

I don’t. I never have. It’s cool.

I’m at peace with it. But that’s not good enough, I guess.

People try to get me to ‘join in’ or try to do things with other people.
It won’t work, I explain. It doesn’t matter. They insist.

There’s a point… I’m not sure if I can find it.

Let me try again.

I’m me.
I can be grumpy and cranky.
I don’t really know how to have fun like other people do. That’s not to say that I never have fun, but things that normal people seem to like, like bowling, don’t do it for me.

But for some reason people don’t get this. They try to tell me that it’s just a facade. I’m just acting like that, if I’d loosen up then I would have fun. They project some other personalty they think I should have on me.

And then when I act like me. They get disappointed and mad.

Which is frustrating, because I’ve always been up front about it.

So blogathon people, I’m a cranky son of a bitch. You’ve been warned.

Don’t be shocked when I blog something cranky, antisocial, hateful, spiteful, rantlike or what ever.
I don’t fit in with the other bloggers any better than I fit in with the guys at work or with my wife’s friends.

I can only be me. It’s not very good, but its all I have.

This is for charity. I’m sure you’ve heard.

My charity is Freedom From Hunger.
Why? Because it sounded good? Because I picked it from a hat?
No Sir.

Let’s back up…

I am very good at seeing what’s wrong with things. I’m not as good at doing something to make it better.
But I’m trying to get better. I really am.

One of the things that drives me nuts, is the way Americans are with food. Hell, we’re all fat. Just look around. Fat people every where. Burger King has sandwiches with 4 burgers on them. Any restaurant will put more on your plate than you need in a day. But we go ahead and get an appetizer and a dessert to go with it. We throw away enough food to end world hunger. I’m sure of it.

It makes me mad.

So when it came to pick a charity, I thought of Hunger.

Freedom from Hunger attracted me because of their approach.

They know that just giving money and food items will not solve the problem. Education is the answer. And that is what they do. The go to areas that are disrupted by war or chronic poverty and teach the people who live there how to sustain themselves.

This is me try to be part of the solution.

I’d be proud to have your pledge of support.
Sponsor me here.

Or Don’t. I’m cool either way. You’ve already exceeded my expections in pledges. Everything now is just icing on the cake

(OK. Perhaps that is the wrong metaphor to use here. But I can’t help myself.)

I have coffee.

I love coffee. And coffee loves me. My love affair with coffee goes back to college.
Back then it was a red hot thing. I’d stay up late ’studying’ and drink coffee till I was nothing but a quivering mess.

But now I’m older. Much older. And coffee and I have been together for a long time.

We’ve settled down together.

I get up and drink several cups. Coffee keeps me warm inside. Coffee helps me deal with people without going in to a fit of rage.

And Coffee and I are going to do this blogathon thing.

In 30 minutes or so I’ll let you about some ‘blogathon events’ you should be aware of.

I’m still reeling about Syd.
It’s not like the news was shocking or upsetting exactly. But the end to this tragic story has kept my mind in motion. I may have more to say about Syd, but it hasn’t quite solidified in my mind. Also, I expect that this week’s Radio Show will have a lot of Syd in it.

Hey!

The Blogathon is coming. And I’m in it. Several of you have sponsored me. You guys rock. But I want more. Sponsor me.

NO. I mean it. Sponsor me. I did some homework and picked a good charity. I’ll stay up 24 hours and post for your amusement. (Well at least for my amusement.) What more do I need to do? What can I offer you to entice you to Sponsor Me? I don’t know what to offer you. But who knows, maybe I’ll think of something.

I’d like to break $500! It’s a goal. If we make that goal… we’ll do something. I just don’t know what yet. I can tell you this. It will make you feel good if you do it. Hell it will make me smile. Sponsor me!
And if you hate my charity or me or whatever…. Sponsor one of my friends. aka_Monty, Webkittyn, Rose, Utopia or Mango Radio.

It’s for a good cause and you get to make me stop being so grumpy for a minute. DO IT NOW.

I mentioned earlier (way earlier) that I had been assigned a huge Identity Integration project. Well funding was slow, and the project has slipped. But we are underway now. It is kind of exciting.

At the same time, I have been drafted to replace the network infrastructure at one of our sites. We are combining the project into a training excercise. So our WAN Admin is having me and another configure the Switch, VLANs and whatnot from the ground up. Way cool.

Is it ironic that I like work betterer, when I am busy. Especially busy with interesting things.

Isreal attacked Lebanon. I’m so glad that the US was able to bring stability to that region.

The AL won the All Star game. Whoop D Doo. I am so over baseball. Only a few short weeks till training camp. Go football!

That is it for today. Sponsor me!

You have heard by now, no doubt, that Roger ‘Syd’ Barrett has died. To the left is a picture of the man who died a few days ago.

A harmless old man, who liked to garden, collect coins and occasionally take a ride on his bicycle. It is rumored that he has no recollection of being in a rock and roll band. Syd Barrett wrote all of the songs for Pink Floyd’s first album, but his erratic behavior drove his band mates to marginalize him from the band to such a degree that he is only Credited with one track on their second album. Nothing more than a footnote on the Success of Pink Floyd. Why then all the fuss?

Soon we will be overrun with people who loved Syd, who knew him back then, who have always been fans. I have been a fan since I learned of him, back in 1990. I heard the album Piper at the Gates of Dawn and was blown away.

The Fuss? It’s about the young man with the piercing stare, Syd Barrett. An Art Major. He was going to be a painter. Until his pal Roger Waters convinced him to join his Rock and Roll band, The Tea Set. Syd thrived, he recruited his friend Rick Wright to play keyboards and they became The Pink Floyd Sound.

Syd’s style of Guitar playing was unique. Short crisp chords with mixed with short melodic riffs. And he sang with a British accent unlike the Beatles or the Stones. But the thing that has always captivated me is his lyrics.

Lime and Limpid Green, the sounds around the icy waters underground

It’s awfully considerate of you to think of me here
And I’m much obliged to you for making it clear
That I’m not here.

I tattooed my brain all the way…
Won’t you miss me?
Wouldn’t you miss me at all

when I woke one morning
and remembered this song
O-oh-oh, kinda catchy, I hoped
that she would talk to me now
and even allow me to hold her hand
and forget that old band.

Trip to heave and ho, up down, to and fro’
you have no word
trip, trip to a dream dragon
hide your wings in a ghost tower
sails crackiling at ev’ry plate we break
cracked by scattered needles

But the pressure got to Syd. By the Time their first album was released he was frustrated with the demands of being a star. Promoters expect The Pink Floyd (as they were known by this time) to play their songs more or less how they sounded on the records. Syd loved to tweak or even completely re-write his songs. The Pink Floyd got their Big Break in 68 or 69 when they were to open for Jimi Hendrix and The Monkees on a US tour. Yes dear readers, Jimi Hendrix once opened for the Monkees.

They were flown to the US and played a show or two. Syd was dark and brooding. He would wander around the stage leaving Roger Waters and Rick Wright to pick up the vocals. They were booked to play American Bandstand. Bandstand was a live show and the ‘live’ bands always lip synched. Syd was outraged. He didn’t want to pretend to sing the song he recorded over a year earlier. The band went on… but Syd just stood there. He didn’t touch his guitar. He didn’t move his lips. The engagement was a disaster. They were pulled from the tour and sent home. (If I remember correctly, they did not tour the US again until after Darkside.)

Things weren’t going well for Syd. His fragile state of mind was breaking down. The drugs did not help. He fell in with usual users and sycophants that will surround those who find fame too fast. It is rumored that in the house were he lived, that his so called friends reveled in keeping him tripping. All of the food and drink was spiked with LSD. Syd kept ingesting it with out even realizing it. He may have been tripping for many days straight. Finally be broke down. Since he was ruining the party they just locked him in a closet.

But as Dave Gilmour, his grade school friend and replacement in the band, said, “In my opinion, his breakdown would have happened anyway. It was a deep-rooted thing. But I’ll say the psychedelic experience might well have acted as a catalyst. Still, I just don’t think he could deal with the vision of success and all the things that went with it.”

Syd was pushed out of the band he created and defined. His mental state weakened. In the mean time, Pink Floyd Prospered. Syd did mange to record 2 albums as well as put together a handful of live appearances. The songs are some of his best. Many of them written in 67 and 68. By 1972, he was done. And Pink Floyd was preparing to release The Dark Side of the Moon.

The band, especially Roger Waters, seemed to affected by some sort of remorse over Syd’s disintegration. They returned to the studio to follow up on the success of Dark Side, with an album that was a tribute to Syd, Wish You Were Here. Syd who had been in reclusion for 3 years or so, showed up at Abby Road and listened in to recording of Shine on You Crazy Diamond. At first, no one recognized him. He gained weight and he shaved his head and eyebrows. When Roger realized who it was, he was reduced to tears.

I do not mourn the passing of Roger Barrett. I believe that the soul that burned so brightly within passed on years ago.

Suddenly the rush of the mighty great thunder,
Confronted Swan Lee as his song he sang,
In the dawn, with his squaw, he was battling homewards
It was all written down by Long Silas Lang.

The land in silence stands…
The land in silence stands…
The land in silence stands.

Shine on Syd!

***I’ve written from my recollections of items I’ve read and heard over the last 15 or so years. The details may contain some inaccuracies. But the Respect I hold for Syd Barrett is unwavering.***

Two Years Ago I started the Jeckles Geek Blog on Blogspot. Since then I’ve moved to Blogcafe and then here to Blogsome.

I’ve managed to retain every post I ever put up.

I’ve spent a lot of time the last few months migrating the old posts over. I wanted to have them all here by today. They are not. But many of them are. I’ll keep working on migrating them.

I’ve written over 300 posts.
Some of them have been interesting.
A few of them have been good.
Most of them have just been another blog post.

When I started writing this, I thought I would use the blog medium to put my opinions about Sports, Technology, and Politics out there for the world to see.

But in time, I found that my opinions and thoughts on those issues were not as unique as I had perceived them to be. To my surprise, I found that my thoughts and feeling on people and the way they interact were on the other hand more unique.

When I started doing this, I had never written anything that I wasn’t obligated to write. Writing was not something I did.

Now I am beginning to consider myself a writer.

But for the most part, things are remarkably the same. The world is like that. It stays mostly the same. Most change is just in our perception.

I still don’t know why I am doing this.
But I’d like to thank you for reading. And to the one or two of you who have read this thing from the beginning… thanks (but I think you may want to check to see if your meds are adjusted properly.)

I was going to try to do something interesting for this milestone, but I think we will save that for the blogathon.

Of course, it’s ok to sponsor me if you want. I don’t mind.
As a matter of fact, I have a confession.
You guys make my day when you sponsor me. I didn’t know I had it in me.
(Did you see this coming?)
So go ahead punk, make my day! Sponsor me!

Have you ever been truly hungry?

I don’t mean feeling like a creme filled doughnut would hit the spot. I mean true hunger. Have you ever gone days with out a meal? Have you ever been so poor, that you could not afford the basic food items needed for survival.

I have. For a brief period in my life, I went with out food because I simply did not have the money. I was never in any danger. I had my family to fall back on.

This year, according to the Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) of the United Nations, 11 million children around the world will not be that lucky. They have no one to fall back on. They live in extreme poverty. They live in areas ravaged by civil war. They will die from diarrhea, acute respiratory illness, malaria and measles because their bodies are too weak to survive these common illnesses. They are not victims of famine, they are victims of poverty and war. Food exists, but they cannot afford or get access to enough of it.

The solution to this problem is not simple. Freedom from Hunger believes that the solution lies in providing these communities with the resources to care for themselves. Freedom from Hunger is not about a handout. It is about change.

With training and assistance from Freedom from Hunger, local organizations can implement high-quality programs and become permanent resources to the poorest citizens of their countries.¹

So what did you have for dinner last night?

In this year’s blogathon I am sponsoring Freedom from Hunger.

You can help by sponsoring me. All I’m asking for is a few bucks. (Maybe what you planning on spending on dessert.) If you cannot help me monetarily, I understand. But do me a favor, send some friends this way and lets see if we can raise some money for a very good cause.

Please Sponsor Me to help fight Hunger.
***If you do sponsor me… let me know. I am hearing reports of the Blogathon site not updating. Thanks***

How long has it been since I posted an introspective post about the nature of blogging? Too long, I think.

The other day, some one said to me, “I’m glad you blog.”

What an odd compliment. I knew what she meant and I appreciated it but still that isn’t the kind of compliment you hear every day.

I’m glad you blog. Not I’m glad you write. Not I’m glad I know you.

This distinction is important.
Because blogging is not either of those things.

Blogging is not writing. Go read some of the Shitty Blogs and you’ll see what I mean. Not that writing doesn’t occasionally appear on a blog. But blogging is not the same as writing. Stephen King writes. Frank McCourt writes. They don’t blog. And really it’s a good thing.

Can you picture SK’s blog?

4/23
I can’t think of anything scary. I’m so full of doubt and angst. I’m still mad a the MoFo how ran my ass over.
4/26
I had really good idea for a book. What if cell phones made every crazy. This is going to be great.
4/27
Thanks for all of your comments. I see your point. Forget the cell phone book, I’ll think of something else.

Or McCourt’s?

10/22
These kids are driving me nuts. This teaching is harder than I thought.
10/30
Jay-sus Christ! These kids are a handful… but I think i have an idea.
11/02
To hell with teaching, I give up. I’m not quitting my job, but I am not going to try to teach these kids how to diagram sentences. I’ll just keeping telling them stories about how it was in Ireland when I was a kid. What does that have to do with teaching? I have no idea, but it shuts them up.

I guess I’m just being silly, but there is a point in here somewhere. Blogging is not writing. And reading a blog doesn’t equate to knowing someone. Blogs are so filtered. Sure we may share very personal details, but we also somethings back. Can you really know me by reading my blog? I don’t think so. You will know things about me, but there is much you will probably never know.

Which brings us back to why. Why do it? Why do I do it? Am I trying to write a great novel? Umm. No. Am I trying to talk to you? No. Pay attention, because this part is important. I am thrilled that people read this shit. Hell I wish even more did. But I am not writing this for you readers. I am writing it because I have things on my mind. And I want to get it out.

There have been moments, in the history of this blog, that I have become distracted by the fact that so and so or thus and such were reading it. The blog suffered for it. And really isn’t it bad enough without any help? I began to think that so and so would like to hear about this, and that might offend thus and such. And I was no longer doing what I had set out to do.

So I do my best to forget about you while I’m writing this tripe. I just take the shit in my head and put out here. If you like it… wonderful. And if not… then that isn’t really the end of the world either, is it?

In some ways, I’m embarrassed to be a blogger. There are so many negative connotations. But I am what I am. And I don’t see me stopping. Even if all of you went away, I’d still have thoughts in my head, that need to come out. And I’d still blog about them.

A four day weekend. That means that we went to the Lake.
When you have a house on the lake available to you… you take advantage of it.

Today has kind of sucked.
But nothing terrible, little annoyances.
Mostly people disappointed me. Several times. Several people.
I suppose my standards might be too high.

For the record, misguided readers (you must be misguided if you keep reading this,) I’m not as miserable as you think I am.

I guess I am just more likely write about things that bother me. Writing about ‘the nice dinner I had with my wife the other night’ is boring. It just is.

So just trust me. I have fun. I know happiness. I really do. I just don’t feel compelled to write about most of it.
It’s not a matter of choice. Did you know that? I don’t choose to write about this or that. I am compelled to.

Sometimes I am compelled to write about things that do not belong here. So I put them elsewhere. To that end, I just started a private blog. How dumb is that? What is the point of a blog that no one else can read? A notebook would perhaps be more appropriate, but I am always near the Internet it seems, so the Private Blog is more accessible that the notebook. Don’t worry, there is nothing good in there.

I tried to run this morning, but I had to settle for walking. I wanted to go 3 miles, I knew I couldn’t run that far without my knee screaming at me. I planned to run the first mile and walk from there. I made it (charitably) a quarter mile before the pain put me back to a walk. I did walk the 3 miles and at a good pace, but I was pretty upset that I couldn’t manage to run further. I hate not being able to do something. We’ll see how far I make it tomorrow.

The rest of my day was like that. Small aggravations and disappointments.

Tomorrow will be better. That is a choice.

Two days till vacation. Twos days till vacation. Two days till vacation.

It’s not helping.

Why does everything have to be so frustrating. I guess its me. It must be.

I went to re-image a bunch of old computers. The image failed. The fucking hard drives were too small. So…
First thing tomorrow I’ll be re-imaging the same computers. Which is great, cause it was so much fun the first time.

< Broken record>

I hate people. And unfortunately that extends to Internet people too. Cause they are just real people. Except for teh ones in the chat rooms that want to show you theit webcams. They are not real. Sometiems it harder for me gage to tehinternet people. But in the long run the break donw is always the same: msot people suck, a few are pretty good.

Lousy odds if you aske me.

</beating a dead horse>

I’m busy as hell, with all my little projects. But it seems like I make remarkably little progress. I hate this.

And so You know. I’m not joking when I say I’m paranoid. I really am. It is so crippling some days.
You can go ahead and make fun of me now. (and no, I’m not trying to be ironic.)

I’ve been reading my old blog entries. And I’ve come to a number of conclusions.

I am a boring dude.
I whine alot.
I don’t really do anything.
I am boring dude.

My blog (This blog) will turn 2 years old soon. I’m thinking of putting decorations and baking a cake. Then no one will show up and I’ll eat my cake. It will be a very fitting way to celebrate this blog.

Two More Days. Just Two More.

At what point do I give up.
Do I resign myself to the fact that I’m I’m just another nobody.

I wanted to be great. To do something great. To be different. To be true to myself.

Of course everyone wants that. That’s why teenagers are so endearing, they really believe that they will be different. That the rules won’t apply to them.

But the rules do apply. And life happens. And one day you wake up and you are over 30 with kids and a mortgage and a minivan. And you aren’t cool. You aren’t changing the world. You aren’t special.

And you scream inside your skull,”This is NOT what I wanted.” While you pass the time at your nice, but meaningless job.
I haven’t given up yet. Not quite.

But you begin to wonder if you are not just whining.

Maybe it’s time to join the sheep.
To line up with the lemmings and head for the cliff.
Shut the fuck up and keep walking.

Did I mention that I hate people.
Why yes I did.

It’s not their fault however, I’m just incompatible with most of them.
I know the problem lies with me. I see the shit that is popular on TV and the Internet, and I hate it too.
Most of the time it doesn’t matter. But sometimes I can’t avoid it.

I hate the Internet, too.

I know. I know. You’re shocked and appalled.

How could you hate the Internet? You spend so much time on the Internet. You love it, you know you do.

Nope. I hate it. It’s not as confusing as it seems.

I hate the Internet because it falls so short of its potential. The Internet could great. Hell, it should be great. But is is not.

Take, for example, political blogs. You just cringed, didn’t you. (Hold that thought it’s going to help me prove my point.) Political Blogs should be awesome. Blogging on the Internet is something that is unregulated, uncensored, and unpressured by the influences of large corporations, lobbies or the government. You can say what ever you want on your blog. If you want to talk about politics, you can tell us what you really think about this issue or that one.

You could, but you don’t.

The political blogs I’ve read, with only a few exceptions, don’t offer up any unique insights or thoughtful discourse. They simply parrot whatever talking points are being distributed that week. Thousands of blogs, all saying the same thing.

I could rail about this for hours but the point is this.

I hate the Internet because it doesn’t even come close to living up to its promise.

I love this heat.

I hear everyone else complaining, but not me. Bring it on baby.

I’ve been waiting all year for this. I’m convinced that a mild spring contibuted to my funk. But now, it seems, summer has arrived. And not a moment too soon.

The way the air is thicker, the plants seem greener. It makes me feel alive. I should move to Florida. All I need is a job down there. If anyone is looking for a Network Engineer/part-time writer/part-time photographer/half ass web designer just let me know.

I can’t wait to walk back out the door and feel the sun beat down on me. To feel the beads of sweat form at my hairline, to remind me that I’m alive!

I should go down to the city. There is nothing like the city in summertime. At night, long after the sun has gone down, heat still radiates from the asphalt and the bricks.

But even if I don’t make downtown, which a probably won’t, I should make a point of sitting out on my deck tonight, after sunset. Just sit there and soak it in. Hell, I might even pick up some near-beer for the occasion.

This is what I live for.

But you knew that.

Yesterday I pontificated about the lost art of letter writing. But I didn’t think about what I was saying.

Too bad nobody writes letters any more, I said. I pictured days long gone, I pictured Civil War soldiers writing letters and hoping to get some from their loved ones.

Thank you Rose.

Thank you for pulling my head out of the sand and pointing out that there are still soldiers sitting out there hoping for mail.

I am going to write a letter to a soldier. You should too.

Tell them you are proud of them. Tell you care that they are out there and you are thinking of them. Tell them what you’ve been up to. Tell them anything.

You can go to AnySoldier.com to get the address of a soldier who will give your letter to some soldier who has not received any mail. Go ahead and make some ones day.

Once again, thank you Rose for reminding me that these thoughts I have are best backed up by action.

If you’ll excuse me. I have a letter to write.

Once upon a time…

Before the Internet. Before phones and faxes. Before airplanes and automobiles.

Back when the world was a bigger place, people used to write letters. Not just a note scratched on to a peice of paper and thrust in to an envelope. No.

Letters were serious business. A person might spend days composing a letter. Making sure their thoughts were in order. Updating the recipient, not only what was happening, but on the writers frame of mind. His joy and sorrows. His frustrations and insecurities. His hopes.

Why, you might ask, would some one do all that?

The world was bigger back then. If you grew up and moved to the west coast, leaving your family back east. It was likely, that they would never see you again. Even people who lived closer, a different town perhaps, might only see each other on rare occasions. The idea of travel simply to see some one was unheard of.

If you were to keep in touch, writing a letter was your option. And getting it delivered wasn’t an easy matter either. You had to wait until someone had reason to travel to wherever you wanted your letter to go, and then arrange to have it delivered.

So you wrote. And updated. Added and amended. There was no rush, so you thought about what you wanted to say. And you said it. You used as many words as it took.

People wrote wonderful letters. Soldiers who missed their families. Politicians attempting to forge alliances. Old friends looking for and giving advice.

It’s a shame that no one has time to write a letter anymore. I am certain the world would be a place for it.

Who’s got the funk? I’ve got the funk.

It’s been hanging over me for over a week now.
Sometimes I think I’ve shook it. But it just comes back.
I don’t know what is wrong with me. I really don’t. I could say that this thing or the other just ruined my mood, but that would be bullshit. The truth is that this thing or the other probably wouldn’t have happenned (or at least not have been an issue) if I had not been so buried in this shit mood.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I’m trying. I really am. I’m trying to smile, be positive, to decide to be OK. Not happy. Just OK. That what I’m shooting for here. An even keel. But then when I’m not paying attention, I realize that I have slipped. That everything looks and feels like shit.

Things are not going the way I want.

I want to write. Write on this blog. Write on another. Write a book.
I barely write n this one, less on the other. Book? Don’t make me laugh.
I want to be in shape and be healthy. But my fucking knee is still swollen to twice its normal size. I can’t run with it like that. Of course, my knee didn’t make me pig out on Kentucky Fried Chicken last night. And I do not care it the Corporation changed its name to KFC. It’s still Kentucky Fried Chicken, Dammit!
I could do something besides run. And KFC? What about the pizza, ice cream, and other junk I’ve been shoving down my throat for the last 2 weeks?
I want to design and implement this pet project of mine. And then I have another to work on.
But I don’t. I stall and stall. It won’t get done unless I just sit dwn and do it!
I want to organize my pictures and see if I can make some money selling them.
What could be easier? But more stalling.
I want to mow my lawn. I want to mulch and weed my garden.
My yard looks like shit. I used to have the nicest yard on the block.

Things are not going he way I want, and its all my fault.

Fucking funk.

I’m a dork.

I admit this freely. My hobby is the Internet (and backpacking.) I read blogs. I play on stupid forums. I listen to podcasts and Internet radio. I even do a stupid radio show myself.

It’s a stupid hobby. I know this. But I figure that it is no worse than getting all wrapped up in Lost or Desperate Housewives or, kill-me-first, American Idol. I could be writing the great American novel… but then again, maybe I have nothing to write anyway.

None of that matters. Hell none of this matters either.

The point.

There is no point, there never is.

The Internet should be better than the real world. People of like thoughts should be able to find each other and communicate. People should be able to express themselves freely. Information should be exchanged… freely.

But that’s not how it works a lot of the time.

It becomes just like the real world. Full of petty bickering. And stupid politics. Not like Red State/Blue State politics, but like office politics… only as it relates to … blogs, forums, chatrooms, whatever.

Fuck That.

Says a lot about human nature… doesn’t it? And I don’t like what I’m hearing.

They claim it will snow this weekend. And lots of it.

But they have broke my heart before. I will believe it when I’m knee deep in it.

I like snow. That is my only real complaint about the climate here in the Mid Atlantic. We don’t get much snow. It makes winter seem like nothing but a collection of very grey, short, depressing days. Snow on the other hand. It adds something. I love it. I don’t even mind the shovelling.

What better way to spend a weekend in February, than to play in the snow then come inside to warm up next to fire.

While all the alarmist were out picking up milk and toilette paper, (I mean really even if it is a huge storm I think that i have enough TP to get us through,) I was out picking up a little firewood for the fireplace and some DVDs.

You’ve got to have your priorities straight, after all.

I really hate this time of year. The days are too short. The weather is shitty. When the temperatures get warmer, it rains. Then it clears up, but the temperatueres drop.

I feel like I just stay inside. And do nothing. Nothing.

I hate it. I want to go packpacking. I want to be outside.

Right now, I’m just a useless lump. I work. I come home. That’s it. This weekend I didn’t do much more than import songs into my music library. Not exciting.

I keep telling myself that I should get to the gym. It’s not as good going outside, but at least it would get my blood moving. But my wife is working insane hours, and this puts me on Daddy Daycare Duty. The result being that the time I have available to go to the gym is very limited. And my motivation has rarely lined up with those times.

Lethargic. That’s what I am.

I need to break this rut. But first I need to add another 500 songs to my music library. And make sure they are all correct labeled.

Man, I really need to go backpacking.

When I was a Kid I wanted to be a Superhero. I mean who didn’t? My brother and I would pretend to be Superheroes. I would make him be Batman, while I would get to be Superman. I always wanted to be Superman. He was strong, he could fly, and he was good. I’m not sure why I thought of that yesterday, but the memory rolled around in my head.

The thing that really struck me is this; I don’t really care for Superman any more. He’s too strong, too perfect. Being a Superhero is no big deal to him. It’s just the way he is. Now Batman, Spiderman, Wolverine? Not so easy for those guys. They work at it. If I were to pick a Superhero to be now, it certainly wouldn’t be Superman. I’ve got no respect for him.

I guess that says a lot about the years that have passed since I played Superheroes with my brother. I’ve learned that things don’t come easy. You have to work for what you want. What the hell does Superman have to work at? Deciding between Lana Turner and Lois Lane? That guy has it too easy. I think Spiderman is probably the guy who represents my life view right now. Nothing comes easy to him. Sure he gets to climb wall and shoot webs, but the price is high. He’s seen the people closest to him come to harm time and time again.

Yet he stays upbeat. He’s quick with the one liner to lighten the mood. No matter how bad it gets, he’s always still doing his best. Now that’s real strength. I think Spiderman is the Superhero I should strive to emulate. Although, there are days when it feels like the Punisher may be more satisfying.

I guess the trick is to stay in touch with your inner Superhero.

Hey Man.  It’s been a while.  I’m not the kind of person who tell people how I feel or any of that shit…  But for you.  For you I’ll give it a shot.

I don’t know if you are out there somewhere or if all that is left of you is the hearts and memories of those you touched.  And if it is the latter, you are safely with us, because you certainly touched a lot of hearts.

It is natural that I thought of you this time of year.  I met you on New Year’s Eve.  I was 12 years old.  My oldest son is 12 now, you’d like him.  I know he’d like you.  Kids like him, like me, need a guy like you to talk to.  

It was a New Years Party, with the families of a couple of guys my dad worked with.  Who would have believed that we would still be getting together two decades later?  

I looked forward to talking with you.  You were the only adult I’d ever met that understood me, without judgment, without prejudice.  As I was a teenager, and then a young adult I valued your opinion.  Pretty amazing, considering I only saw you once a year.

You gave me a great piece of advice once.  ”Try everything and anything, but be careful.  Make sure that you don’t do something you can’t fix.”

I’m proud to say that I was able to fix everything.  It wasn’t easy.  But I did.

The last time I saw you, you couldn’t speak above a whisper.  The cancer had spread to your throat.  I should have said goodbye, but I’m no good at that kind of shit.  I don’t remember what meaningless words left my mouth.  But I could tell that you heard my good bye anyway.  That was our last New Year together.

I was amazed at your memorial service how many people were there.  How many kids.  You were a teacher.  And I discovered that I wasn’t the only kid who could turn to you.  It seems I had a lot of company in that department.  Yet, somehow, you made each of us feel as though we had a special relationship with you.

I saw your son.  He’s a man now.  I guess it’s funny that a man nearly old enough to be my grandfather had a son that much younger than me.  He misses you.  But he’s doing ok, I think.

There’s no point to this I guess.  Or maybe there is.  It doesn’t matter.  I’m not worried about finding the right words.  You’d understand what I’m trying to say.

Thanks.  And Happy New Year.

It seems that I need to comment on my last post.

A few weeks ago I wrote that I would try to some different things here.  That I was going to try to write what popped into head. That’s what happened.

A few people read that and decided that there must be some sort of problem.

Let me explain the process.

The other night I was supposed to have a few people come over and play poker.  A few of them no showed on me, and this is typical of the people in question.  A few others could not make for various other reasons.  The result, however, was that even though I had tried vary hard to set something up, no one was going to show up.

I sat at my computer and stewed about this.  My phone rang and I jumped up to get to it before it went to voicemail.  In the process, I knocked my microphone/headphones off the desk and stepped on them.  They were completely broken.  I answered the phone and it was some telemarketer begging for my money.  I gave them a few choice words and hung up on them.

I was angry.  Angry as hell.  I felt emotions in me that reminded me of some the deepest and darkest depressions I had known.

When I calmed down, 10 or 15 minutes later, I started to think about how easily those emotions came back.  I sat down and wrote about it.  

The point is this:  The last post seemed very dark, but really there was nothing more than a hint of an emotion from a decade ago.

I enjoy writing, but I grow bored with the format of this blog.  I want to be able to write a little more creatively.  Do me a favor; don’t read into what I write.  If you think that this site is a good barometer for how I’m doing, you couldn’t be more wrong.  I choose to write what I write and it may or may not reflect how I am feeling.

I don’t really know what else to say about but…

At least I’m not A Daddy Blogger.

Sometimes the darkness still comes.  Sometimes it comes so strong that force of it surprises me.  

Most of the time, I believe that other people can relate to me.  But when the darkness comes, I realize that I am only kidding myself.

The others do not know.  They cannot know.  They cannot understand.  They do not see,  They will not see.  They cannot understand the pain within.  

They have never stared at a wall and watched it waver.  Watched Reality shimmer in front of them.  Watched and waited to see if it would all blow away like a sheet hung outside to dry.

I’ve worked so hard and for so long, yet this darkness follows me.  Waiting.  It has more patience than I ever could.  We are linked.

Everything Changes.

But, of course, Nothing Changes.  The worst cliches are always true.

I am alone.

I’m tired and cranky.

I am cranky more often than not recently.

I try to play it of as a joke, hell it’s pretty much my whole shtick on SBRadio.  But it’s real.  I don’t know if it’s lack of sleep or Seasonal Affected Disorder.  Or Maybe, I’m just a jerk.

I don’t have anything to contribute, really.

Tomorrow, I’ll try to find it in me to tell you about my weekend.  But now, I’m going to try to get a good night’s sleep and see if I can shake this shitty attitude.

It is not polite to ask people to help you move.

I mean it is one thing if you are young and moving into your first apartment. Or your first apartment without roaches. Or even if you are moving into your first house.
But if you are moving into a bigger house, because you outgrew you other house.. again.
Hire movers.
And if there is a piano…

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s just my aching back speaking.

—–

Five days off from work was good. Of course, I had plans to get a bunch of stuff done. I did not. My free time mostly just slipped away from me while I diddled on the computer.

I did play with the Mango Radio.
I can now go ‘live’ at will.
I know that you don’t care. But I think it’s cool.

—–

Having gone back to work after essentially a week off, I have decided that I don’t like work. It’s not my job. It’s not bad as far as jobs go, but I don’t like it. I’d rather being doing something else. Making something. Creating something. Not just supporting systems that in turn make a larger system work. What the hell is that?

Being cranky and writing doesn’t go well together.

Be angry works, you pour your rage on to the paper, so to speak.

But being cranky…

It just doesn’t cut it.   You are over critical.  Nothing you write is good enough.  This shit isn’t good enough, but I am going to put up something today.  So this is it.

Maybe it’s the holidays.  Maybe it’s the time off work.  Not that I’d rather be at work, but time off work is that magical time that I would do all those things I can’t do because I’m busy working. But it doesn’t work out that way.

Maybe it’s this cold.

I don’t know.

But I am cranky.  And I can’t write.  This only makes me crankier.

There’s nothing like hitting that lace where everything just makes you more upset.

I could elaborate, but I don’t think I could get my meaning across.

Being cranky and writing doesn’t go well together.
    

Blogging milestones that is.

Not too long ago I passed the 10,000 hits milestone. The ole statcounter sits at 10470 at this very moment. I cant get too excited about this however. Most of my daily traffic comes from folks search for information on the “illuminanti.” These people probably think that they have uncovered a very very secret society since even google returns only a few hits on this word. The truth is quite different, the word they should be searching is “Illuminati,” that will give them all kinds of information. So why are they coming to my site? Am I a secret overseer in some worldwide conspiracy? Wouldn’t you like to know. Or maybe I wrote about the Illuminati and consistently misspelled the word in that post. I’ve been tempted to edit it, since I figured out my error, but I figure I’m helping others with the same spelling challenges as myself. So I leave it as written.

A fair percentage of my hits came through the Blog Explosion. I gave that up. It was kind of nice to watch the hit counter move, but I prefer to have people actually read this thing. I have a few regular readers, you know who you are, and you should be ashamed. (For the uninitiated, that was my feeble attempt at humor, there’s a lot of that here.) So the 10,000 hit mark is meaningless, but it’s human nature to eye up a nice round number like that call it meaningful.

The Milestone that has much more significance for me is the fact that as of right now, I have been blogging for over a year. When I started this, I didn’t really know anything about it. I’d read WWdN and a few other blogs. I didn’t have any “blogging friends” I had no one really interested in reading my site. I had some notions about what I would write about. Most of them were wrong. I found that writing was different than I thought it would be. i also found that it was very important to me. So I write and I write, sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s not.

When I started I did not know if I would have it in me to stick with it. I think that will not be a problem. And to those of you who happen by… Thanks. It somehow means more to know that someone is reading what I am writing.

I drive in my car today. The air conditioner running full blast. The A/C is powerless against the heat of summer. My prescription sunglasses are powerless to stop the bright sunlight from making squint just a bit.

I feel beads of sweat forming at my hairline. And on my upper lip. I look around as I drive. Green plants everywhere. People everywhere. It is summer. The world is alive. The heat, while it drains me of energy, let’s me know that I am still alive. Very alive.

I turn off the A/C. I roll down my window. The hot air blows over me. I inhale the humid hot air. I smell summer.

I am alive!

Why do you blog? Why do I blog? These are questions, for me at least, are not as simple as they seem. I would like to say I blog because it gives me an opportunity to express myself and it helps me to organize my thoughts.

But that’s not quite right. A notebook would satisfy that. Blogging has the added bonus of readers and feedback. And we’re all desperate for the feedback. We want people to comment. We want people to read what are writing.

But here’s the part that makes the whole thing a little odd. Most people don’t read blogs. Most of the people who do read blogs are people who keep blogs. It becomes a bit of a mutual admiration society. You read my blog and I’ll read yours.

One day, I stumble on to this blog. And this guy is trashing some other blog. And I think to myself, how juvenile. But I kept reading. It was really funny. And kept going back. He made fun of all kinds of stuff. But mostly he made fun of himself. As I kept reading, I saw that this Mango wasn’t just a class clown. He had another side to him. He saw things around him, at work, on the news, on the street; and he found himself outraged. So he vented about it on the blog. With his usual humor.

Mango quit blogging today. And I’m a bit sad about it. But the truth is this. I’m sad and you may be sad too, but “trust me the next day you (and everyone else) would be fine. Trust me, blogs are not all that. We all have bigger things to blog about than to read about.” The quote, of course, is from Mango (from an interview Mango did on one HG’s sites.)

And he’s right. I’ve looked forward to his new posts for a while now, but my life won’t change in any real way. I’ll find something else to read. I always do. Some of favorite bloggers are gone or very inactive. Cleo Love, Surly Snobby, Reaz, and Robyn have all moved on. But I have found Ruksak and Hermes to read.

I do consider Mango a friend of sorts. Which is odd, because I wouldn’t know him if he walked past me on the street. But I’d recognize his humor and intelligence in a heartbeat. Our relationship has grown beyond simple reading each other’s blogs. (One of the biggest compliments I ever got in this blogging business was to learn that not only had I been reading Mango’s blog, he was reading mine.) I’ve listened to Mango Radio, there are a group of songs that I will always consider Mango songs. He’s contributed to the SBC. I’ve contributed to The Mangozine. And I imagine we’ll stay in touch, with or with out a Mango blog.

As a matter of fact. I’ll make a standing invitation right now. Mango next time you are in the greater Baltimore area, look me up.

Thanks for the stories, Mango! (That Minnie Mouse one maybe the single funniest thing I’ve ever read.)

OK. I think I have made clear my thoughts on morals as opposed to religion. But the second part of this is the idea of what the schools should be responsible for. Not only that, but what they are capable of. a-[e] covers this very nicely. Mango has also put his two cents in. I encourage to read their posts as well.

Several commenters on the last post put forth the idea that some children have no resource outside of the schools to teach them morals. This is true and it is tragic. But I am troubled by this notion that because you have a hard time at home, the schools are responsible to make up for all of those shortcomings. It would be nice, but the schools cannot give these kids what there are truly lacking, because the schools are incapable of love. I know… I’ve seen … situation where a teacher can make a huge impact a child. Unfortunately there is know way to create a formula for these kinds of things.

I have the opportunity to be in classrooms upon occasion. I am not a teacher. I am not there because of my kid. I am there to work on a computer or a printer or that kind of thing. The point is I end up being a kind of neutral observer. As I wait for a computer to reboot (or re-image for that matter,) I really don’t have anything better to do but to observe what is going on in the classroom around me. These are pretty normal classrooms, there are no dramatics here with guns or gangs. Nonetheless, I see often enough situations that make me wonder about the effectiveness of what we are teaching.

My observations have led to the conclusion that the schools in general are incapable of teaching morals or values or anything like that. There are two points to be made here. The schools are teaching too much as it is. Adding morals to the list is not going to help the situation. Secondly, after much reflection, I am not sure that morals can be taught.

Of course, you know I will elaborate.

I am not a secularist. I do not wish to spread my secular ideas to others. I do not agree with all secular ideas. There has been a liberal/secular movement in education for the last few decades. The schools teach all kinds of liberal/secular junk. Sex education is just the beginning. They teach kids about their emotions how to be empathetic. They teach kids about the environment. They teach all kinds of things. Yet, kids still graduate from high school and go on to be insensitive, to be polluters, to accidentally get pregnant.

The schools are trying to hard. We try teach algebra to everyone. If you are going to go to school, graduate and go out in to the world as a salesmen, a respectable career, you do not need algebra. Solid arithmetic is what you need. The ability to budget and the to write a check. Algebra? We need to simplify. Especially before high school. Let’s focus on three “R’s” as they say. Let’s focus on the basics. I know, that’s not fun. That’s not interesting. But, who said school should be fun? For all the effort they put into trying to make learning fun, my kid still finds school to be, well, boring. Let’s face it. School will never compete with video games.

I don’t know what anyone else thinks, but the way I say it the school has one basic responsibility: to give everyone a base set of knowledge before they go out into the world. The ability to read. The ability to express your thoughts in writing. The ability to perform arithmetic. A basic understanding of our history. A basic understanding of the literature that has come before. That’s all.

Many of you will disagree with me about this. That’s Ok. It doesn’t change anything. You still shouldn’t morals values in school, because you can’t teach morals. This is because lack of moral behavior does not usually come from a lack of understanding of what is right and what is wrong. It comes from a disregard of what is right and what is wrong.

You can tell some one, again and again and again that something is wrong. This will not prevent them from doing that. Trust me on this, there is a middle school kid living in my house. These kids that come from these tragic backgrounds will have no motivation to follow any moral instruction that is given to them. Hell, even kids from middle class homes will challenge moral instruction as the enter puberty and adolescence.

I maintain, as I said in my last post, that if the schools are going to get kids to behave morally, the need set standards and hold them to them. PB commented:

Although, I believe that setting expectations for students, and holding them to those expectations, will at the same time, teach “character.” I’m assuming, of course, the expectations you are referring to would be along the lines of: do your own work, respect the property of others, come prepared and on time, be respectful of teachers and administrators, etc. All of these expectations seem to be reflective of the underlying moral/ethical code of conduct that has been adopted by our society.

That is exactly what I mean. Unfortunately, at this time in history, the schools are unable to hold children accountable for much of anything. Ironically, it’s the parents who won’t stand for it.

Upon occasion, when I want to read something well thought out and well written, I go to Sigmund, Carl and Alfred. Yesterday, he wrote about religion and schools. A lot of people got exciting because he pondered, “What exactly is the harm in teaching Creationism?” He made some good points about the state of schools today, but by the time I got done reading it, I wanted to shout at my monitor,”Religion is NOT the same as Moral!”

This is going to be full of MY opinions. If you find them distasteful. Go away. Right now. Go read a mommy blog. I’m willing to hear what you think, if you’ve read what I’ve written and have a thought about it please leave a comment. If you just want to tell me that I’m wrong. Don’t.

Let’s clear the air. I’m an atheist. Sometimes, I soften that statement by saying that I’m agnostic, but the truth is I don’t believe. Sorry. I really am. I’ve looked hard and long at the concept of god and at various religions. I just don’t see it. SC&A implied that secularism/atheism is a religion in its own right. I could not disagree more. If you believe in God, I not only have no problem with that. I envy you. I really do. I know people whose faith is deep and that seems to make them very happy. I do not wish sway anyone from their beliefs. Believe what you want.

I do not see myself as a secularist. I am a moral person. I take my morals very seriously. I know what is right and I do my best to live my life that way. It is possible that I will burn in hell because I do not believe, but it will not be because I have acted poorly. As a matter of fact, that is the point about religion that does me in every time.

The last time I went to church was Easter Sunday, 2001. I went to make my Mom happy. I brought the Wife and Kids. It was very nice. Pretty Flowers. Beautiful hymns. And then Pastor Dave went in to his Sermon. Usually Methodists are ridiculed for being safe, boring, and have Church services that end promptly after 60 minutes. But Pastor Dave was inspired. He went on about how this time of year, Easter Time, is the best time of year for Christians. It’s not to be a good person. It’s about believing. It’s about Christ, Pastor Dave extolled. I just sat there steaming. Why isn’t it enough just to be a good person?

I never went to church again. It is likely that I never will. But I am a moral person. I’ve read large portions of the Bible. Especially the Gospels. I think that the example that Jesus gave is very good place to start. Turn the other cheek, Judge not, Love all men. Good stuff. That Jesus was a pretty good guy. Why is it so important that I believe that he died and that rose from the dead?

And of course, if Pastor Dave is correct, that must mean that Gandhi is in Hell. And I refuse to believe that a God who would sacrifice his own flesh in order to forgive our sins, would ignore the noble deeds of a man, just because he did not happen to believe. That doesn’t sit well with at all.

Morals and Religion are not the same. We can all agree on that I think. Why then do morals and religion get all tied together. It is because Morals are not black and white. Oh sure, don’t kill, don’t steal, don’t lie — those must be universal morals. I think not. I see plenty of killing being done in the name of God or Allah theses days. Is it moral to steal to feed your family. If you knew your mother had one year to live, but she would feel no pain during that time and would die in he sleep. Would you hide that truth from her? Would it be moral?

No, my friends, morality is not black and white. But if we agreed on Christian Morals, then we could look to the bible, the pastor, the Pope for clarification on these issues. I teach my children morals. My morals. Sometimes I use Jesus as an example. Sometimes the Buddha. Other times I use Cal Ripken or Miguel Tejada.

I do not want to see morality taught in school. First of all, is the morality that you would teach, the morals I would have my children learn. Is the morality I would teach, the moral your children should learn? Secondly, even if we could all agree on the curriculum, they’d screw it up. Remember the New Math? My brother was taught the New Math. Poor guy is thirty years old and cannot do long division.

The schools would be well served to focus on teaching kids Math, English, History. Teach them. Set expectations. Hold them to those expectations. You don’t need to teach them about character. You need to demand it. You do not need to teach morality. You do not need to teach Creationism. Hell, you don’t need to teach evolution. I have all kinds of thoughts on education, but I’ll spare you… for now.

That’s the way I see it. If you have a thoughtful comment, I would love to hear it.

Wow. Wednesday already. Yes, I went backpacking this weekend. It was great. I will write about it soon. Really. I will.

Also, the great Linux experiment continues. I had Red Hat 9 up and running, but since RH9 is a couple of years old, I kept having to download and install new stuff. The dependencies would be out of date, I download more stuff. Vicious circle. Also, I am very comfortable compiling software from source, but it seems like you break as much as you fix when you do that on a RPM based system. So I fired up a third computer and installed Slackware. It is working very well. As a matter of fact, I am writing this from the Slackware box. It’s pretty good, but every time I sit at my computer to do something, I find myself tweaking. I think it will not be long until I put it on my P4. After I take a good image, of course.

Linux, yawn … compile, eyes glazing over. Yes, I am a geek, thanks for hanging in there. Here’s something different. For some reason, today I was thinking of a girl I knew in High School.

We called her Holly Hopeless. I guess I was kind of dating her for a while. She lived in a little row house with her mom. She constantly talked about her dad. He was rich. He lived in New York. On and on she went. The things she said about him were believable at first. But over time they became more and more incredible.

She would jet to New York to see him. He bought her lavish gifts, although she left them in New York. One day she called me, from her dad’s house. She was going on and on about the Broadway Shows and the Nice Restaurants. It sounded very sophisticated. I was actually a little intimidated. As she prattle on, it occurred to me that I had seen her earlier that day. How did she get New York? Helicopter, she answered. As we were talking, my friend called me on the line. I was a little doubtful about this whole thing, we compared notes. The notes did not add up. So I recruited him to help me. He called her home phone. Sure enough, she put me on hold, she had another call. He called me back to confirm it. She wasn’t in New York, she was there at her house. No Broadway. No sophisticated restaurants.

It seemed so obvious, after the lie was exposed. She cried. She said she was a pathological liar. She was seeing a shrink. She didn’t mean to do it, it just made her feel more special. But how did I fall for such obvious lies. I was smart enough to know better. The trick, I think, exists in two parts. First, I was ready to believe. I wasn’t looking for lies, I liked this girl, if she said it was so, then it probably was. Secondly, the lies were small at first. Lots of people have divorced parents. Sometimes the dad did spoil them, especially when he didn’t see them often. Once you accepted the small lies, it became easier for her to build on them.

If I was clever, I would use this story as an allegory, use it to make a statement. But I guess I am not that clever. It’s just a story, about a girl I once knew.

I ran into a old friend today.

Okay, that’s not really how it happens is it. My mom ran into an old friend of mine. He recognized her and said hi. He was there for his job and would be there for a few hours. She called me and told me, so I cruised over so I could say hi. just ran into

I hadn’t seen him since his wedding. He’d been my best friend in college. I walked and there he was. The same, but grayer. We chatted. It was awkward. Everything was the same, but everything was different. I’m killing with the cliches today. Let me try again. He seemed to be as I remembered him. I, on the other hand, have changed a great deal. Amongst other things we were drinking buddies. I don’t drink. I haven’t had a drink in almost five years. We hadn’t been talking for five minutes before he says something about buying me a beer. Uncomfortable.

It’s probably just me being all insecure. I guess I never really believe that friends really like me. Maybe they are just feeling sorry for me. I fear that when I say, I’d have to pass on the beer. He’ll say, well that pretty much settles it then. That isn’t what happens.
“I’d have to pass on the beer”
He looks at me, puzzled.
“I quit drinking.”
He says, “I quit drinking everyday.”
Still uncomfortable. “You know I was never any good at it, you were there.”
“But you tried ”
“Oh I tried like a bastard.”
Getting a little more comfortable.

We chatted for 20 minutes or so. I had to cut it short, I had to get home so the wife could go to work. I gave him my number. Told him to call me the next time he’s in the area. I’d have him over for dinner or something.

I’m honestly not sure if he’ll call or not.

That has been my problem, as I move on in my life, I tend to burn my bridges. I know people who keep up with all kinds of friends. I can’t seem to do it. As I grow older and my life changes, I don’t know how to bridge those changes and keep my old friends involved in my new life.

I hope he calls.

I know that some people don’t like baseball. I didn’t really care about it that much when I was younger. But in my old age I have come to appreciate the sport more. Now baseball is as much a part of spring as birds singing and mowing the lawn for the first time.

I particularly like to listen to the games on the radio. It is wonderful to hear that announcer paint the action with his words. They have a certain lingo. Phrases they use to quickly give you a lot of detailed information with only a few words.

Here comes the one and one pitch. Deals. Low. Outside. Two and one.

As I was driving home from an appointment last night, listening to the game. It occurred to me how much I enjoyed this. I remembered the first Big League game I ever saw.

It would have been 1978. I got tickets to see the Phillies because I had completed the one and only season of baseball I would ever play. It was tee ball. Yes, I did strike out, thanks for asking. My dad took me and my brother to the game. I believe they were playing the Giants. I was 6 or 7 so I didn’t follow most of it.

My dad had brought a long a portable radio, which happened to look like Bullwinkle. We listened to the call on Bullwinkle and watched it play out below us. Mike Schmidt came up to bat. I asked my dad if he would hit a homerun? He was one of the two greatest baseball players ever as far as I was concerned. Pete Rose was the other. Why wouldn’t he hit a homerun, isn’t that would great ballplayers do? My dad said something like, “we’ll see.” Schmidt hammered one. Homerun. What more could a kid want than to see his baseball hero hit a homerun.

But it was what happened next that is very clear in my mind, even today. Greg Luzinski was up. Luzinski was in a slump. How did I know that? Cause my dad said it, the guys behind us said it, the announcer voice coming from Bullwinkle said so. Luzinski stepped to the plate. And everyone booed. I was confused, my dad said it was bad to boo, why we would be booing someone on “our” team. Dad said it was because he hit better when he was mad, and the crowd was trying to make him mad. I asked if it was okay if I booed. He said, it was. Years later, I would realize that Philly fans would boo anyone given half a chance. Santa Claus, Allen Iverson, Dr. J., Donovan McNabb. Anyone.

Luzinski stands at the plate. Here’s the pitch, a swing and a miss. Strike one. The boos get louder. Even from the upper deck, I could see that it was working. He looked mad. A couple more pitches. The boos are deafening. The Wind Up. The Pitch. He Swings. And it’s a Fly Ball. Deep Center. It’s still going. It’s a homerun! Back to back Homeruns! Greg Luzinski’s slump is over!

I didn’t even know who Greg Luzinski was before that moment, I must not of had a card for him. I thought the Phillies consisted of Pete Rose, Mike Schmidt, Garry Maddox, Steve Carlton and Tug McGraw. And some other guys. Hey, that’s who I had cards for. But at that moment, I could feel the electricity. Something special had happened and I was there.

Sometimes, when I listen to the O’s on the radio, I still picture the game from the Upper Deck Of Veterans Stadium. The air thick with humidity. The action so far away, yet so close. And the announcer’s voice coming from Bullwinkle. Just for a moment. Then, I remember that they play at Camden Yard, a different place, different team, different generation.

There is something timeless about listening to baseball on the radio.

Of course, if I was any good at this blogging thing I would have had a great post over here for people to see, when they stopped by to see what the fuss was about. But I’m not good at this blogging thing. And that’s cool. If I was in this to get people to come to my site, I’d play Michele Sent Me.

I ran into to an old English teacher today. And it got me to thinking. Yes, everything gets me thinking, but let’s stay on topic, shall we. A lot of bloggers insist on call themselves writers. Many of them have aspirations to publish a book. Some of them succeed. That’s fine with me. Many of them are good writers. But I’ve always shied away from describing myself as a writer. Occasionally some misguided soul will compliment my writing and I just shuffle my feet and look at something else. This becomes even more awkward when the compliments come through email. Feet shuffling just doesn’t send well.

So why is it I have such an aversion to being call a writer? I mean I don’t think my writing is very good, but I’ve seen a few of these blogger “writers” that weren’t good either. I think it goes back to high school. I had a miserable time in English class. I never really grasped grammar for what ever reason. (It shows doesn’t it.) I was never able to write for pleasure, so to speak. I was always afraid about my sentence structure. I mean my strategy of creatively inserting comma when a sentence looks to long, really ticks off English teachers. So do fragments. I never tried to say anything, because I felt I didn’t have the tools to say it with. (that’s right I just ended my sentence with a preposition, take that English teachers! Give me a minute and I’ll split an infinitive!)

That is what blogging has done for me. It let’s me write (for the lack of a better word) without worrying about rules. What do I have to worry about. Practically nobody reads this. And If some one would happen to stumble upon my page and find my grammar offensive (perhaps they would think I use parentheses too much) they can leave. Go on get out of here. And here’s the ironic part. I’m starting to pay more attention to my grammar, all things being relative. I’m becoming a better writer. Practice makes perfect after all. It’s a shame I didn’t realize this a long time ago.

Here I sit, listening to XM Radio. Online! They jacked up the monthly rate but threw in the online bit. Not a bad trade off if you ask me. It’s not Mango Radio or anything but it’s pretty cool.

We started to set up SUS Server at work yesterday. And I am more or less in charge of this venture because I have actually set it up before. It did not go too smoothly. When we went to launch the admin tool, which is web based, we get a 401 you don’t have permission to display this page error. Fun. It seems like I screwed up the setup of IIS 6, but I haven’t figured out where I went wrong — Yet.

Baseball is about to start. And I am excited. This is the only time of year to be excited if you are an Orioles fan. By June, all the excitement will be out of it. Daylight Savings Time is set to begin. All of this points to spring. And spring means … backpacking of course. I need to plan a trip soon.

I’m still mulling over the Dish Network thing. I hadn’t done before because the HD equipment was too expensive, but now they are giving the base HD receiver for free. It might just be time.

It’s another rainy weekend, so I will probably post again soon.

I’ve had five days off. I made the most of it by doing nothing. I mean really… nothing. I sat here in front the computer most of the time. Writing. Well… blogging anyway. I still can’t think of what I do as writing. And Reading. Other Blogs mostly. Shitty Blogs. But that ’s OK, they know they are shitty. They are in the club.

Today I was back to work. All and all it was ok. I had to entertain an intern. We bring in high school kids from the Local Tech Center and let them “intern” for us. I guess the probably get school credit for it. Personally, I think they don’t really contribute anything and I prefer not have a kid tagging along with me as i go to support users. I hope he got something out of it.

Yesterday, I saw something that made me … well let’s just say it made me very happy. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is going to be a movie! It looks great. I loved those books.

I read them when I was in the 8th and 9th grades. I was completely taken by the originally and creativity of those books. And, of course, the humor. I had a teacher in the 10th grade. Ms. Sopher, I think. She 22 or so. She taught Composition. (She wouldn’t believe you if you told her that I write every day now.) She was always using these Anne Tyler books, like an Accidental Tourist, as example of good descriptive writing. She made us hear some passage about how the cat was curled up like a comma. I guess it was an ok example but it didn’t do much for me. I gave her my Hitchhiker’s Trilogy to borrow for the summer. I told her that there was some good descriptive passages in there. Of a different kind, but still good. She thanked me and told me she would return them to me the next fall.

She got married that summer and quit teaching. I never saw her again. And she still has my damn books. I was 16 and broke. I bought those books with my own money. But I digress. I have bought new ones since then. I am pumped for this movie. These thing were written to be put on the silver screen. Well the small screen anyway. They were written as a BBC Program, I’ve seen it. Pretty good, but low budget. I hope this one doesn’t disappoint.

I wish there was a way to make you say how my thought process works. It is akin to free association bred with stream of consciousness. I never actually stop thinking about one thing and start thinking about another. The most visible example of this is on the occasions that me and both of my brothers are in the same room. We will hold conversations in that fashion. Conversing seamlessly about sports, politics, movies, books and who know what else. Each of us able to follow the others segues without any trouble. I’ve been told that is very frustrated for any one else who happens to be in the room, because they can’t understand how one minute we were talking about football, and then Star Wars and now Social Security.

I describe this to you so you can when I tell you that this made think of that, you will not think that I am trying to show any link, moral or allegory. OK. Good.

This morning, I was thinking about a certain issue that has been hogging the headlines and webspace of many blogs including the one you are reading now. I was wondering what if she was conscious in there? What would she think of us. Would she be grateful for the outpouring of support? Would she be appalled at the behavior of her loved ones. Would she be thinking “let me die!” Of course, we’ll never know what is going on in there.

That train thought reminded me of a book, I once read, Johnny Got His Gun. It’s the story of a soldier who has return from World War I so damaged that he is unable to communicate at all. Eventually he finds enough strength to communicate with the outside world by moving head and using Morse Code. The message he sent ….”Kill Me.” This book was published in 1938, but gained a lot its popularity during the Vietnam Conflict. A movie was made in 1971. Johnny Got His Gun, received it’s most exposure in 1988 when Metallica used clips from the movie in the music video for the song One.

The point of the book is not a question of euthanasia. It is an anti-war book. Written before there was such a thing as a anti-war movement. It is simple, stark, in it’s description of the horror of war. What could be more horrible than a young man who’s life is over even though his heart still beats. I think we need a reminder that war is horrible. We seem to have forgot… again. If you get a chance, it’s a good read.

Schiavo, Johnny Got His Gun, Metallica, Iraq. You see what I mean.

I am a little nervous about starting my new job tomorrow. Not very nervous, I did my homework, I researched my decision, I want to work there. I’m not scared that I won’t do well or that I won’t fit in. I am confident about those things. Its those other little unknowns. Where is the best place to park? Where is the bathroom? Will I get the hairy eyeball if I accidentally drop the f*bomb? These are things that will all be cleared up in the next day or two. Its just this is the first time in four years I’ll be going to work unsure about all these little things. So the stress might also be making me a little cranky, that and this cold I seem to have. I’m probably not much fun to be around right now.

I am going hiking this weekend. Just a short trip this time. 2 miles or so up the mountain and then spend the night and back down the mountain in the morning. A little cold weather camping. And I still don’t have any snow shoes. Of course this time it look like I won’t need them.

I watched a good movie last night, at least it seemed good through the cough medicine haze. It was called Girl with Pearl Earring. It was one of those subtle art-house kind of films. If you don’t like that kind you won’t like this one. But I am a dork for those artsy kind of films so I enjoyed. Scarlett Johansson is incredible. After seeing her in this film and Lost in Translation, I think she is one my favorite actresses. The basic idea of the movie is the (fictional, I think) story behind Johannes Vermeer’s painting Girl with Pearl Earring. The story itself is quite simple, but it is the subtle interactions between the characters that tell the real story. And the cinematography is sensational, light and color is emphasized again and again with obvious respect to the painter’s eye. Like I said, if you’re into that kind of thing, give it look.

Today and tomorrow, I am unemployed. Yea! I am also sick. Boo! There is nothing worse than being sick on a day off. OK there is plenty that is worse, but it still sucks.

As I was working on updating the SBC Blog, I realized that I suck. I have put more time and effort in that project recently than I have here, on my real blog. The reason, it occurs to me, is that the SBC, is easier. I can say whatever I want there. It doesn’t matter if it worth saying or not. Here I trying to represent my thoughts and whatever else, so I tend to be more selective about what kind of thing I write about here. The worst part is that the SBC pulls in way more traffic than this pathetic little blog. The whole thing is a little twisted if you ask me.

Last night, Hunter S. Thompson put a bullet in his head. Wow. Thompson was a genius. He was also very, very fucked up. If you are not familiar with Thompson, the easy way to get a feel for his work is to watch the movie, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Happy Trails, Hunter. I hope its Happy Hour wherever you are now.

It is my opinion that many aspects of the Bush Administration are fascist in nature. Apparently, I’m not alone. (via fellow shitty blogger, prisoner of gravity)

The Iraqi election has resulted in a big win for the ultra-conservative Iranian influenced Fundamentalist Shia parties, Da’awa and SCIRI (Supreme Council for Islamic Revolution in Iraq.) What are we thinking. We push the Iraqis to vote in a government, and shocker, they vote for a government that is opposed to the U.S. occupation and the U.S. in general. Furthermore, they will likely ally with a country that we have labeled one the Axis of Evil, Iran. We didn’t see this coming? OK, Saddam was a jerk, but how has turning Iraq into another Iran helped anything? Is it possible that we have gone into this with such lack of preparation we did not see this coming?

These Random Thoughts posts are so not popular, I was tempted to abandon them. But, I won’t my blog, my thoughts, though shit. Without further ado:

The US has pulled its ambassador from Syria and is demanding that Syria withdraw from Lebanon. Not a good sign. Memo to the Bush Administration— NO starting new wars till you finish the ones you have now! And to think we thought Iran would be next. Well don’t rule that out either. Or better yet let’s take them both on. In the regrettable words of our President, “Bring ‘em On!” I think anyone who has read this far knows that I am opposed to war in general. But what I’m talking about here is common sense. We can only engage so many “evil-doers” at one time. Don’t think that Iran and Syria are unaware of this. North Korea knows it too. That’s why these countries are getting bolder. Are strategy of bold talk and unilateral action doesn’t seem to be worrying these folk. We need a new plan. Dr. Rice we are waiting.

And Please can we just shut up about Jose Canseco. Yes, he did steroids. Yes, he knows about others that did. But he hasn’t named any names that are truly shocking. This is not news. This is an attempt by a messed-up individual to cash in. Spring training is starting, can’t we hear about the normal drivel … Can A-Rod step for the Yankees, Can Boston do it again, Will the O’s ever get any pitching?

The NHL, meanwhile, is enjoying more coverage about the pending cancellation of their season than they had all of last season.

I’ve been using the Microsoft Anti-Spyware Tool Beta 1 for a few days now, and Monday it got its first real test. I was looking to download some cracked free password recovery software (stop looking at me like that, a user forgot the password she put on an Excel document. Really. It’s true, I swear) and well let’s just say I got infected pretty good with some spyware. It tried to stop the stuff from installing, but it was unsuccessful, it did however tip me off that something was up. I ran the cleaner and it deleted a bunch of junk. I ran AdAware afterwards and it only found traces of the infestation to clean up. Not too shabby. And big Bill just announced that the product will be free once it is released. Good job Microsoft.

Microsoft has been pressured by the Upstart browser Firefox. The Software Giant says it will not be able to release a new version of Internet Explorer until the next Windows product is released. The reason is that IE is too integrated into Windows for them to upgrade it independently. Good job Microsoft. It just goes to show there was no reason for the Justice department to worry itself over whether Microsoft was be anti-competitive when they integrated IE into Windows. Now, that same move has made it impossible for them to compete. Firefox will release several new versions before the Next Windows Product (Code Named Longhorn, Nicknamed Longwait) is released.

The other day I was out running errands and I saw something that was odd. It was a lady picking up her dry cleaning in her Pajamas. I see stuff like this all the time. Why would you leave your house without getting dressed? At the risk of sounding stuffy, I have to say this is nuts. If you are going to leave your house, then get dressed. Have some self-respect. People will see you, why wouldn’t you want them to see you looking your best.

This has crept in the workplace. Where I work we have a casual dress code. This means Docker style pants and a decent shirt, in theory. Of course, we are manufacturing plant so many of the office staff have to go on the shop floor. So they were jeans. And T-shirts are permitted if they have the company logo on them. The result is a lot of office employees dressed in blues jeans and t-shirts, even those that couldn’t get to the shop floor with a map. So what, you might ask. On the surface, it doesn’t seem to matter. As long as we are all working, why shouldn’t we be comfortable, right? Wrong. Work isn’t about comfort, it’s about work. Casual dress, leads to casual attitude. People at my job (and yours too, I bet) are very comfortable. They feel comfortable criticizing this and that they don’t like. They hold conversations across several cubes. Just yell out what ever you feel like. All these things by themselves are not big, but when you put them all together you have a relaxed environment (read: chaotic)that isn’t conducive to working effectively.

I see it when I go out to eat. The servers, for some reason they are no longing waiting only serving, more often than not are in jeans and a t-shirt. And they are very casual with the customers. It makes me cringe every time a server tells me that my order make take a while because they are understaffed. Why would you tell me that? Just smile, tell me my food will be out when it’s ready. If it’s a nice place, I’ll likely be content to sit and converse with whomever I’m out with. But when you plant the idea in my head that there is a problem, I can’t help but start looking at this problem myself. When I go to a retail store, the clerks (well dressed in jeans and a t-shirt) won’t even stop the conversation that they having to help me. I find it very disturbing to be standing there while the two young ladies talk about their escapades from the night before. Wow, you drank too much and then found yourself in Jimmy’s bed? Gee, didn’t want to know that. Now could you explain to me what the difference between these two items is. You can’t? What exactly are they paying you to do?

I know I sound like a stodgy old man when I say this stuff. When I was younger folks would wear a Hat and a Jacket to go to the Baseball game. And there was real customer service. And kids wore belt and kept their pants pulled up, too! But I think that these are syptoms of a big problem in this country. Lowered expectations. You can’t expect a teenager to know anything about the product he is “selling.” We’ll just have her ring it up. The consumer will have to do their own research. We can’t expect peple to dress nice for work, isn’t enough that show up. We can’t even expect people to get dressed in the morning to run their errands, they’ll just be coming right back home when their done.

Once again, you ma be asking, so what? By continually lowering outr expectation, we continually get an inferior product, result, experince, whatever. Is it any wonder that this nation of lowered expecations has a president who can’t be bother to speak correctly. Who doesn’t do his homework before invading a nation. Who can’t take responsibility for his mistakes. Who refuses to learn from the mistakes of the past. A man who only wants to represent those who agree with him and his way a life. You can’t expect him to do all that, jeez isn’t enough that he stands for freedom and liberty, makes bold decisons, and keeps us safe from terrorists? I think its time to raise our expectations.

It wasn’t actually called the Elvis Bar, that’s just what we called it. Bonnie’s Bar and Grill was in the heart of Highlandtown, a working class neighborhood in East Baltimore. My buddy Vic insisted that we to go to this Elvis Bar. We were only 18, freshmen in college, and in a lot of ways very wide-eyed, always looking for an adventure. This was the adventure Vic wanted us to go on. He had an older brother named Raf (short for Rafael, I assume) and Vic worshipped him. Raf was a reporter for the Baltimore paper and I guess he had done a write up on this little place, and now Vic was crazy for it. I told him that Elvis music wasn’t really my thing. He said it didn’t matter. We had to go. He wore me down, it didn’t take much. We were going to Elvis Bar.

We got lost in Highlandtown on the way. We finally found it, from the outside it was not impressive, just another corner bar in Baltimore. No sign of Elvis at all, no blinking lights, no neon, just a sign that said Bonnie’s. Vic said, Lets go, and we walked through the door. That marked the first time I ever walked in to a locals bar in Baltimore (but not that last.) It’s an experience everyone should have. All the those blue collar workers turned and looked at us. They weren’t used to people they didn’t know walking through that door. They were still looking at us, it seemed to me that they wanted some explanation for our intrusion. I was terrified. Obviously we didn’t belong here, it was just a matter of time before it got ugly. Just about the time I was ready to bolt (we’d been standing there for 4 or 5 whole seconds) the little old behind the bar shouted out, “Victor!” She shuffled out from behind the bar and gave Vic a kiss on the cheek. The locals saw that Bonnie knew us, at least one of us, and went back to their drinks. With disaster averted I took in my surroundings. It was amazing, every inch of this place was covered with Elvis. Young Elvis, Fat Elvis, but mostly Young Elvis. THe King of Rock and Roll lived on in Highlandtown. Newspaper clippings, photos, and of course, several velvet wall hangings all of the King of Rock and Roll. An old-style phonograph was playing Hound Dog on a 78. (Note to readers born after 1980: A phonograph is like a CD Player but bulkier and with less Quality. A 78 (rpm) is like a CD Single but with more popping and crackling.)

It was somehow perfect. Maybe it was the way Bonnie’s eyes clouded up when she talked about her trip to Graceland, or the way the regulars attended to the record player. It all felt very authentic. It didn’t hurt that Bonnie would serve us beer if there weren’t too many people around. Miss Bonnie was a gem. She slurred her words when she talked, this was partly from a stroke she had suffered, partly from the fact that she was never without a drink. And when she talked about Elvis Presley there was a real and honest reverence to her words. It was a magic place, we would get swallowed up in the atmosphere. We went back several times, and somehow I always felt right at home. Bonnie couldn’t ever remember my name, but after a while I think she did that just to get a rise out of me.

During my sophomore year, Miss Bonnie passed away. She had no family, no one to take ove the business or her incredible collection of Elvis Presley memorabilia. A local columnist tried to drum up interest in having someone buy the bar and keep it in tact. It never happened. The bar was sold, its decorations auctioned off. Now it is just another corner bar like any other corner bar in Baltimore. But I’ll always remember the Elvis Bar fondly. It could have been a freak show, gaudy, and overdone, but it wasn’t. It was a labor of love, Bonnie’s love for Elvis Presley and her love for her bar were woven together in that one little space. I am grateful to have experienced it.

Once upon a time, WHFS was the Mecca for Alternative Rock. They played all kinds of Indy stuff you just couldn’t hear anywhere else. Eventually, in the mid 90’s, they were bought by Infinity Broadcasting, and adopted a more mainstream rotation of music, and the quality of the programming dropped gradually from that point. The HFS tradition of alternative rock finally died completely, earlier this month. They switched formats completely. 99.1 on my FM dial (hah… when’s the last time you saw a radio with a dial) now plays Spanish language pop music. I’m not upset about this, I stopped listening not too long after Infinity started pushing their corporate agenda on the music of HFS. The day I heard Metallica on there some time in ‘97 was the last time I tuned in. I actually like Metallica, but they do not belong on an “alternative rock” station. If you are curious a history of the station can be found here.

The biggest thing that HFS did was to, starting in 1993, organize the annual HFStival. This Festival featured a Who’s Who of modern rock over the years: 311, Fuel, Bush, Filter, Everclear, Soul Asylum, The Ramones, Juliana Hatfield, Better than Ezra, Linkin Park, Good Charlotte and Green Day to name a few. Of course, I never went to the HFStival. I couldn’t bring myself to part with 50 or more dollars to be squished, pushed and shoved in 90 degree whether by a bunch of drunk kids. What can I say, I’m a geek.

In 1995, I think, HFS organized a free concert, they called it the HF-Icicle. It took place in late October at the Nissan Pavilion in Northern Virginia. There were a number of bands scheduled to play, with Blues Traveler headlining. A couple friends of mine and I went to go check it out. I mean it was free, what did we have to lose. The temperature dropped like twenty degrees after sunset and we were cold. There is a good reason why they don’t usually have outdoor concerts in October. I couldn’t tell you anything about the other bands, I guess it wasn’t anyone of note. We were there to see Blues Traveler. The other bands got done. The sound check guys came out and did their thing. But no Blues Traveler. After a long and cold wait the band finally got on stage. John Popper waddled up to the mic, all 300 plus pounds of him. He said, “Sorry we didn’t get out here sooner, but I had to take a shit!”

That ruined it for me. They gave a great performance, but I couldn’t look at him without picturing his obese mass burying a toilet. That’s really the only thing from that concert that left an impression on me. A burning hideous painful impression. Yet another case of getting what you pay for. When I’m in the mood for the music I used to listen to on HFS, I just turn on the old XM Radio and Listen to Fred or Ethel.

First things first. I keep reading about how Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have broken up. I have only one thing to say about this: Brad Pitt was dating Jennifer Aniston? I guess I’m just that out of the loop.

My blog has been a bit of a bummer recently. Work woes and broken bones and what not. So today, I am posting a little something on a more positive note. Nothing exceptional, just a little thing.

The other day I wandered into Subway to pick up some lunch. I had worked through my lunch so it was past peak hours and Iwas the only customer in the joint. I went to the counter and ordered my sub. I was prepared to stand there and stare at the menu board while the girl behind the counter made my sandwich. That’s the way this works right. I’m too busy to care about anything and she is too disinterested in her job to pay attention to the customers. That’s the way happens everyday in every town. Except not this day.

She asked me if was still raining. I looked up and realized she was talking to me. I told her it was. She wondered if it might snow. I told her that I had heard something about snow, but I didn’t think it would be cold enough. Just a little a conversation about the weather. But by the time my sandwich was made she was smiling at me. And I’m sure I was smiling too. Of course, if my wife asks, I’ll tell her this girl was flirting with me. But really it was simpler than that. She decided that she would hold a conversation with this customer. And it made my day.

The point is this: the world is full of bad things. Tsunami’s, war, trouble at work, whatever. At times it can be overwhelming, but if you recognize the small wonderful things around you, its not so bad. Every little thing helps. Even if it’s just a smile from the little girl at the Subway.

Early tonight I was listening to Lucy (on the XM Radio) and Howard Jones came on. You remember … Things can only get better and What is Love. I was sort of humming along when it occurred to me how truly simple these New Wave songs were. At the time they seemed very fancy with the synthesizers and what not (it may also have something to do with the fact that I was 13 when those songs came out,) but by today’s standards they are really kinda quaint. I really love hearing music from the early eighties. I even seem to enjoy song that I didn’t care for when they came out the first time. That may have something to do with the fact I didn’t have some of the music that is out now to compare those songs to. Madonna sounds pretty good compared to Britney Spears. Or maybe its just me.

In more Tragic news, the NFL’s Regular Season is over and my Ravens have missed the playoffs. We fired our Offensinve Coordinator, which was long overdue and Phil Savage (director of player personnel) is headed to rival Cleveland Browns. Now I get another month of Football while I watch Playoffs. I guess I’ll be rooting for Peyton Manning and the Colts. If that doesn’t work out, I’ll have to resort to root against the Eagles and the Arch-Rival Steelers. Now I just have to remember what it is I do on Sundays for those other 6 months of the year.

Lastly, I could tell you to vote me again, but I’m beginning to sound too whiney even for me. Instead, I’ll help out a fellow SBC Member: Fat Eye For The Skinny Guy!. He’s up for one of those swanky BoB awards (Most Humorous Blog) and his blog is much better than the compitition. Head on over and vote for him.

Did I really get a whole week off? It sure doesn’t feel like it. Only two days back and I’m already back to gritting my teeth and forcing myself to smile when other employees are around. It actually started Sunday night. I was so stressed that I barely slept. This isn’t healthy. But enough about that, talking (or writing) about it just gets me more upset.

For fun tonight, I let a friend of mine who is a Real Estate agent, showed a house to me. I’m not looking to move, but this was one cool house. It consisted of 2 geodesic domes connected by a foyer. Each Dome had a garage coming of the front of it make the floor plan of it in a kind of U shape. It’s pretty much impossible to describe how cool this house was. Each Dome was its own self sufficient house each had a living room a couple of bathrooms and a kitchen. This you might think would make the whole thing kind of redundant, but it wasn’t. Each dome was designed and decorated in a completely different fashion. I would love to live in this house.

Of course that particular house is out of our league by a couple hundred thousand, so I will not be moving in anytime soon. My interest in a geodesic dome home has been piqued. The wife and I have done a little surfing on the matter and have found that there are a few companies that sell kits for building your own Dome Home. I’ll have to think on that for a while. I still can’t afford to do that right now, but it’s an option down the road a bit.

Now go over to Mango’s blog and vote for me. Why? Perhaps you should read this. (And remember you can vote every day)

2004 is coming to a close. I thought I would write a bit about the year, but I decided against it. I could’ve prattled on about how bad a year it was in terms of the War in Iraq and the re-election of George “Dubya” Bush. I could have praised the year for being a great year in sports. Exciting Championships in Baseball and Basketball. And let’s not forget about football. The New England Patriots are nearly Perfect and Peyton Manning is playing quarterback better than it’s ever been played.

Or worse, I could have done a “It was the Best of Times. It was the Worst of Times.” kind of thing. Or I could have recounted my personal triumphs and defeats for the year, but who wants to hear that.

The Truth is that nothing will have changed on Saturday. It’s just a basic human need to categorized and label things. So we will take the events, memories and actions of the last 12 months and call them “2004.” And we store them away for a decade or two until VH1 runs I love the 00’s. Then we look at back and say how great it was in the first decade of the millennium.

There is one thing about this year that is worth mentioning in this space. 2004 is the year I starting blogging. And I discovered that blogging is not just an “online journal” it is more than that. It is a community. It is a very interesting form of media (for lack of a better word.) If I published a newsletter or a ‘Zine ( do they still do that?) I would not know my readers in the same way as I do here. In some ways the relationship is very intimate. I reveal some very personal thoughts. In other ways, it very anonymous, many of us do not even reveal our names.

So to the handful of you that read this space, Happy New Year. Not that anything will be different on Saturday, but I wish you well in 2005. And I hope you will continue to read, as I plan to continue writing.

This morning in my in box I received the following message:

Dear Mr. Jeckles,

I am Barrister Nelson Wear, a solicitor at law,and the Personal Attorney to Mr.Roland Jeckles, a National of your country, who used to work with Strabag construction Company in Nigeria. On the 21st of April 2002 my client, his wife and their two children’s were involved in a car accident along Sagbama Express Road Lagos, Nigeria. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives.

consequently, I have made several enquiries to your embassy to locate any of my client’s relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you.

I have contacted you to assist in repatrating the money and property left behind by my client before they get confisicated or declared unserviceable by the Citi Bank Plc where the deceased has an account valued at about[18 million Dollars]and the bank has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin to my late client or have the account confisicated.

Since then I have been unsuccesfull in locating the relatives of my clients for over 2 years now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last name so that the proceeds of this account valued at [18 Million Dollars] can be paid to you and then you and l can share the money. 50% for me and 40% for you and 10% will be used for any expenses that this might cost on the process of the transfer. I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make.

All I require is your honest co-operation to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. It is 100% risk-free. Please get in touch with me by my private Email;nelson_chembers2000@yahoo.com

Awaiting to hear from you soon.

Best regards,
Barr Nelson Wear

The thing that really cracks me up is that people fall for this. That’s natural selection at work right there. If your bored today why not send Mr. Nelson an email. Just drop him a line to say and thanks for being such a filthy weasel.

I have this week of from work. I do have to use some of my vacation days, but I don’t care. I need this badly. I am definitely experiencing some symptoms of burnout. I can tell, because instead of getting up this morning and taking advantage of this free time, i slept in. I never sleep in. I hate it when I do because I wake up and then feel like I’ve wasted my time off. I mean if I can get myself up and out for work, then I should be able to get my up for a little free time. I did, however, go to see A Series of Unfortunate Events with my oldest son. Very cool movie. I recommend it, even if you don’t have a child to use as an excuse for seeing it.

Hopefully, I’ll get some stuff done with the time off. I have a few things that I’ really like to take care of. I really do need to update my resume and test the waters with it. I need to do major cleaning of the areas of the house that contains my computer stuff, my backpacking stuff and my tools. I’d also like to get a Linux box or two set up and maybe even networked.

The week is young. If I don’t do all the those things it will probably be because we got the Extended LoTR Box Set and the Original Star War Trilogy Box set. That’s about 40 hours of quality movie watching right there.

Good news: I got an A in my ASP.NET class. A 99.4 percent to be precise. It’s good to be succussful at something. It’s also good to see some validation for all of my hard work in this class.

Dumb News: George W Bush is Time’s Man of the Year. Nuff said.

We got most of the Christmas shopping done this weekend. That’s a load of my chest. I get mixed emotions about Christmas. I’m not religious at all, so that aspect of it does nothing for me. But of course, there are many aspects of Christmas, in this day and age, that are removed from religion. I celebrate it mostly because the kids enjoy it and my mother would be mortified if I outright ignored it. I tend to ignore the religous bits and focus on things I agree with: Peace on Earth, Giving, So on and so forth.

There are more reports of Torture from Iraq. Can we do more to enrage the people of the Middle East? or the rest of the world for that matter.

I’ve been keeping up with my diet of keeping my daily caloric intake under 1500 calories. After 3 weeks, I’ve lost 26 pounds. I’m happy that the wieght is coming off. I’m disturbed that after losing 26 pounds and looking in the mirror, there is obviously more to lose.

I cannot see a good end to this situation in Iraq. Apparently, one of our soldiers shot an unarmed man. Riverbend’s reaction at Baghdad Burning really puts it in perspective. So much for the strategy of winning the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people.

I’m glad I have a big screen HDTV. I can see football and basketball games with incredible clarity and I don’t have to worry about me and my kids being in the middle of a fist fight. Everyone seems to understand that players must show some control, and I agree with that. But fans have a responsibility to behave as well. If you walked in to a restaurant or even a bar and started acting like that, you would be removed. Why is a sports arena any different? I hope this trend doesn’t continue, because I’d like to take my kids to see these games, but for now the fans are too out of control.

After a nice holiday weekend of eating too much, I’ve started a diet. I’m about 40 pounds overweight. It will not do. Although, I’ve been going to gym regularly, it hasn’t been enough. So I’m limiting my caloric intake to about 1500 calories a day for now, after a couple of weeks I’ll raise to somewhere between 2000-2500. It’s no fun. I’ll just treat it like I did when I quit smoking and when I quit drinking. No more eating for fun. No more have some more cause it’s yummy. I don’t miss smoking or drinking anymore, hopefully I won’t miss that either.

And this just in, Tom Ridge is calling it quits. Does that mean that color codes are gone too? I hope not, I’d miss them. Did anybody else notice that all of the moderates in the cabin, Ashcroft the exception, are resigning?

And the President is off to make nice with Canada? How about the time bomb shaping up in the Ukraine? How about the labor situation China? Iraq? Afghanistan? Nope. Canada. I guess I just don’t get it.

One last thing, I must be doing something right, I’ve received 2 African Bank Scam emails and 3 Golden Lottery Scam email in the last 2 weeks. If I respond to all five, I should be good for somewhere in the neighborhood of $32.1 Million. I’m not sure why they need to deposit directly into my account using my account numbers or why they need my Social Security Number. And fronting the $10,000 in good faith money seems like a lot but look at the return!

While, blog surfing I saw that ReaZ was mirroring anti’s list of the members of the SBC. This seemed like a good idea, so I have added the list of shitty bloggers to the left column.

Today’s is Veterans Day, let’s not forget those who have fought to protect us or those who are fighting now. I may disagree with the reasons for war, but I respect those who are willing to put their lives on the line for my country.

ABC is playing Saving Private Ryan tonight, although you may not be able to see it. Several affiliates, including those owned by the right-wing Sinclair Group, are refusing to air it. They feel that the violence and profanity in the movie may be too much for family viewers. It is ironic to me that Sinclair endorsed a candidate for President who has led the country into a very violent conflict in Iraq and whose running mate told a Senator to “Go Fuck Yourself!” I can only imagine that they feel that make-believe violence and language is much more upsetting than the real thing.

Next week at work, we are launching a new software package. It’s a Maintenance Management system and it will require us to train all of our maintenance techs, tooling techs and stock room people. It will be a very big deal. I’ll be working long hours and spending more time climbing around machinery with techs than I prefer, but it should be interesting. I also have a project to work on for my class, so I apologize in advance if I slack off on the blogging. After that kind of fun in the beginning of the week, I am rewarding myself with a day off on Friday and a backpacking trip that weekend.

Yasser Arafat is dead. I will not demonize nor glorify the man. I will say that I hope, now that he is gone, that the Israelis and the Palestinians can work toward a peaceful co-existence. I think the two state solution is a good one. It has flaws, but all compromises do. These people, the Palestinians and the Israelis deserve peace. There has been to much killing. Can it be done? I was hopeful during the Camp David talks, but things have gone so poorly since then that I just don’t know.

I really enjoy playing blogshares, but I don’t really know what I’m doing. It’s all good, cause I’m making lots of blog money.

That is all.

I should let it go. George W Bush was lawfully elected to the office of the President by the majority of the People in this country. I disagree with them. But that’s the thing about democracy. The will of the people rules the day.

Oh. I know it’s not that simple. I’m stuck on one thing here. It really upsets me. Values. If you think strategically we had to do something in Iraq, I disagree, but I understand. If you believe that massive tax cuts for everyone including the very rich will help spur the economy, I see where you are coming from. I beg to differ, but I understand your position. But I am confused about how people voted for values and somehow George W Bush won because of this.

I am not trying to be divisive or condescending to anyone’s view. I am truly confused. And, frankly, quite upset. I am a registered Democrat. Would you like to know why? Too bad, I’ll tell you anyway.

I come from a Republican Family. I learned Republican type things as a kid. In high school I joined an after-school club called the Progressive Politics Club. We debated the burning issues of the day. Gay Rights. Death Penalty. Abortion. Taxes. The Environment. I loved it. I got a chance to really show off how well I knew these issues. I parroted the views I had heard from Republicans and made it clear I was quite the Conservative. Then a terrible thing happened. All the liberals graduated. The next year, first couple of meetings sucked. All of us conservatives sat around and agreed with each other.

I couldn’t take it, so I volunteered to argue the liberal position, as the Devil’s Advocate, in order to flesh out the discussion. Over the course of the next few months, an amazing thing happened. As I gave the liberal stance on the death penalty, I realized that I did not think it was right for anyone, not even the government to take a human life. As I argued the pro choice opinion I realized that the issue was complicated, and while I felt that (and still do) abortions were wrong, the reality of it was that the government, especially the Federal government is ill- equipped to legislate that. There is a lot of grey area when it comes to abortion, and setting a federal law would potentially leave a rape victim force to bear the child of her attacker or force a woman ill-equipped for mother hood to carry her child to term only to abandon it or raise it in abhorrent conditions. As I looked at the other side of these issues, I realized that my values dictated that I register as a Democrat.

The values I hold dear are: Respect for Human Life. Compassion for the Poor. Protecting the Environment so that the wilderness that I have loved since I was a child will remain forever. The Equality of all Men and Women, no matter what they think, or do. No matter where they come from or what culture they embrace or what there religion is. Honesty. The belief that we are world citizens and should abide by the same rules as everyone else. To respect others, no matter what.

I looked at my values and I looked the Bush Administration’s record over the last 4 years. I felt that they had not lived up to my values. John Kerry Embraced many of my values so I voted for him. And he lost. OK. But now I keep hearing how Bush won because of “moral values” and I don’t get it. It’s said as though “moral values” is a tangible, well-defined doctrine. I searched WikiPedia for “moral values” but it had nothing for me. I don’t see how 59,459,765 people can have the same exact morals. It seems to be tied to religion, but that doesn’t make sense to me either. The Protestants can’t even decide whether the want to have their Trespasses forgiven or their Debts. There are differences. Values are personal. My values and your values are not the same. Not exactly. And that’s OK. Hell, it’s good. But what I am hearing is that somehow a vote for Bush was a vote for “Moral Values”. Values like discriminating against Gays, Muslims and Arabs perhaps?

Like I said, I’m not trying to be flip or rude or disrespectful. (Come back later and I’ll do my best to be all of those things.) Right now I am very upset. I am a moral person. Yet, there is this notion that the only moral vote was for Bush. It sounds like the Red State people really believe that.

Having explained how I feel, I’m asking for comments. From everyone. Red or Blue. Help me with this. I can’t believe that all Red State folks are bigots. Help me understand this. I want to believe that this isn’t as polarized as it feels right now. I don’t care if people agree with me. But I don’t like having my moral fiber challenged.

First up, its seems likely right now that the Red Sox will go the World Series. Johnny Damon had a huge game. I just hope that means he is going to cut his hair now. I mean he looks ridiculous. The question now is what about the curse? But that is a discussion for another day.

Hi there to all you Blog Explosion surfers. Thanks for stopping by. You have to stay for 30 seconds so go ahead and read a bit. It makes the time go faster that way.

XM Radio announced today that they had partnered with MLB. This so cool. I’ve been an XM Subscriber for almost 2 years now and I have to admit I was feeling a little left out; seeing that Sirius had partnered with the NFL and they got Howard Stern. Now, it is all good. I’m not gonna listen to football, I have a 65″ TV. And I’m not going to listen to Stern either. But Baseball I would listen to. Baseball on the radio has always seemed perfect to me. I am looking forward to hearing many a game on the ole XM next season.

I have decided that I want one these iPods. Of course I’m not about to pay for it. A while ago I got registered in the free iPod “pyramid” thing. If I can suck five people in. I get a free iPod. If you are interested in a free iPod click here to get sucked in. You’ll have to sign up for something to be qualified. You can get a credit card and cancel it or just be the highest bidder at some point in an eBay auction (you don’t have to win.)

Finally, I think i need some Linux in my life. I’m going to convert my #2 box to the penguin. It is a PIII 533 MHz, 256 MB RAM not a bad box. In the past when I’ve set up a Linux distro it had been on a dog of a box, and as a result I never used it much cause I’d rather use the better boxes. I’d convert the #1 box but the wife and kids have no tolerance for that kind of thing.

***Playoff Update: The Red Sox are now ahead 10-3. I never thought they’d make it to the World Series***

Sorry about that. Anyhow, I want to set up a Linux box. The question now is what distro? I have the most experience with Red Hat but a lot of what I’ve read about them makes me think that they are not truly embracing Open Source. So I want to try a new distro. So I am posing an open question here. What distro do you recommend (excluding Red Hat.) Any advice or warnings appreciated.

I was sitting here, enjoying a quiet Sunday morning. Listening to my new favorite channel on XM Radio — XM 75 Hear Music. As I’m trying to grow my Blogshares wealth, I realize that it is the soothing voice of Cat Stevens I hear. I look up at the radio, its If I Laugh. This gets me thinking about poor Cat Stevens, or as he’s known now Yusaf Islam. In 1977, Cat Stevens converted to Islam and changed his name. He gave up his career because he felt that his pop star lifestyle was sinful. He gives his the money from to royalties to various charities because he does not want to profit from his “sinful” past. Oh yeah … And he’s on the United States’ “No-Fly” list that is designed to protect us from Terrorists entering the country.

Last Month, a plane that carried Mr. Islam was diverted, and he was sent back to the U.K. The reason? He has possible ties to terrorist groups. Let me state for the record, if he has been giving money to Osama Bin Laden then I’m glad they turned him away. But, I’m guessing its not that clear cut. As I stated before, Yusaf give a lot of his money to charity. And being a good Muslim much of that money goes to Muslim charities. And I’d imagine its possible that some of that gets back to terrorist groups. The typical reaction from Americans, I think, is to say, “He shouldn’t give money to Muslim Charities, he should know better.” The truth isn’t that simple (it never is, is it?) Avoiding Muslim Charities will not necessarily avoid terrorism. If you were not careful you could find your charitable dollars funding the IRA, fascists, anti-gay propaganda or even Scientology. When you give your money to a charitable organization you don’t really know where is goes. If that organization does reputable work then can you be held accountable for any other agenda they may have. You can read a thoughtful column on Yusaf Islam and the “No-Fly” list here.

I take this whole thing kinda personally because I have loved Cat Stevens music for a long time. Father and Son and Morning has Broken are two of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. Maybe I shouldn’t care about what happens to Yusaf Islam, he gave up being Cat Stevens and has disowned that music (for the most part.) But his message of peace has been consistent from Peace Train to the condemnation of the September 11 attacks (he said, “No right thinking follower of Islam could possibly condone such an action.”) I can’t help but think that his anti-war stance had more to do with this than his so called terrorists links. So here’s to Cat Stevens and here’s to you Islam Yusaf, we need more people in the world who value peace like you do.

My dad is back home. I went to see him tonight and I’m glad I did. I feel better having sat and talked with him for a while. I don’t know why, but the whole karma thing I could be in trouble. I know I caused those nice folks a lot of worry in my day.

I don’t care about the debates. I want to, but I just can’t get interested. My mind is made up, I’ve done my homework, I don’t believe I will hear anything in these debates that will sway my opinion. I’ll just get mad. I feel bad about it, but the way life has been going recently, I can’t bring myself to watch grown men insult each other.

I am hooked on LaunchCast. Why wouldn’t I be? It appeals to my inner-egomaniac. I tell it what songs I like and how much I like them and it gives me music based on those opinions. Anything that asks me my opinion and then reacts favorably based on said opinions is a good thing! I have been rating away and my station is pretty consistently playing music I like. About the only thing that would make it better is if it would work on Firefox.

Here’s a little Irony to keep you satisfied. The Lone Star Iconoclast (the newspaper of Crawford, Texas) has endorsed John Kerry for President of the United States.

For all of you that need to do more “hands-free” browsing on your computer… try this.

It almost Friday. I’ve got to stay late at work and upgrade our ERP server. Should be a blast!

I was checking the stats on ye old blog here and I found that no one is reading it. Which is what I always find. However, people are finding it. To my surprise, at least 3 people had found their way here by running a Google search on “Illuminanti” limiting it to sites in English. I’m third in the results. Amazing. Unfortunately for those seekers of information on the Illuminanti, all I have is a passing reference to them in a post that talks about, among other things, the book Angels and Demons. I feel bad about that, so I will attempt to be of some help to those wishing to find out about the Illuminanti. Here is thumbnail sketch of what I know about the Illuminanti. At the bottom of the post are several links for more information.

The Illuminanti are a super secret organization that control … well … everything. They are responsible for the American Revolution in 1776 as well as the Bolshevik Revolution in 1917. They are controlled by 5 secret masters, but even the most powerful Illuminatus never know the Identity of more than one of them. They control the Swiss Banks, the media, the Republicans, the Democrats to name a few.

If you’ve never heard of the Illuminanti, you must be thinking, “If they are so powerful, and have done all of this stuff how come I’ve never heard of them.”

Well, that’s just the way they want it. Most of the people who are doing the work of the Illuminanti, don’t even know. How could that be? Well, look at the Masons. A secret but harmless organization, right. Wrong, the Mason are actually a “farm system” for the Illuminanti. Not all Mason are Illuminantus, but they may be receiving direction from Higher Ranking Masons who are.

You may be thinking, “That’s insane. How about some proof geek-boy!”

Proof. Easy. Just pull out a one dollar bill. Turn it over. Observe the Great Seal of the United States. On the front of it the seal is an eagle. Well that makes sense, but on the Reverse, is a pyramid, with a shining eye coming out of it. Weird. In school you may have learned that the pyramid represents the young United States being built, and that the pyramid was incomplete, because the nation is always growing and the eye represents a benevolent god watching over the young nation. Maybe. Or it could be this. The Hierarchical Orders of the Masons (and perhaps the Illuminanti) is organized as a pyramid. And the Eye? The symbol of Illumination. The sign of the Illuminanti’s control and knowledge of everything. How did that get on the Great Seal? That’s easy. Most of the Founding Father were Masons. As a matter of fact, most of our Presidents have been Masons.

The Illuminanti were above ground for a time. Adam Weishaupt founded the Bavarian Order of the Illuminanti May 1, 1776. It attracted many prominent Europeans to become Members, including Mozart. Having gathered a good base to work from Weishaupt, allowed the Bavarian government to disband the Order of the Illuminanti. Of course, it wasn’t really disbanded it just went deep underground.

You may be thinking now, “If these guys are so smart and so powerful, how is so much information available.”

That’s the true genius of the Illuminanti. What better way to convince the masses you don’t exist, than to allow a bunch of crack pots to offer up proof that you do. We ignore the proof because it comes from those who are crazy or mix it with their own agenda.

If you want more information check out these sites. Be warned some are more credible than others. And some are down right offensive in the views. I link to them not because I support or agree with any of them, but to help you gather more information on this subject.

http://www.rotten.com/library/conspiracy/illuminati/
http://www.conspiracyarchive.com/NWO/All_Seeing_Eye.htm
http://www.masonicinfo.com/illuminati.htm
http://www.holygrail-church.fsnet.co.uk/The%20Illuminati.htm
http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/truth_is/symbolismondollarbill.html
http://www.geocities.com/theawakeningnews/Religion-Great_Seal_Dollar_Bill.html
http://www.benbest.com/history/bavarian.html
http://atheism.about.com/library/weekly/aa092299b.htm
http://www.officialnewworldorder.com/html/The_Illuminati/the_illuminati.html
http://www.dccsa.com/greatjoy/Illumin8.htm
http://www.prolognet.qc.ca/clyde/illumin.htm

For a more common sense answer read this. And if you were interested in a fun fictional read about the Illuminanti Check out The Illuminantus! Trilogy by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson.

There you have it. All you never wanted to know about the Illuminanti!

Yesterday was B.B. King’s Birthday. The self proclaimed King of Blues is one of my personal favorites. The man is a legend. I like the story (one of several versions) of why his guitar is named Lucille. He claims that the apartment he was living in caught fire, and he only had time to save one thing. He had to choose between his guitar and his girlfriend. He named the guitar in her memory. His music is incredible. Many of his songs are well known, but my favorite is Hummingbird. I heard that song for the first time when I was a freshman in college. My buddy Vic played it for me. Vic was interesting character. He loved the blues and Elvis. We spent many a night drinking Thunderbird (in a paper bag!) and listening to the blues. Why Thunderbird? Why in a paper bag? Well I’m not exactly sure. (And if you are not familiar with Thunderbird it is the wine of choice amongst winos who know.) Vic felt that there was something special about that. Picture, if you will, two white college kids, sitting in a dorm room with lights dimmed. Both of them chain smoking while listening to the blues. Exchanging shouts of “what’s the word?” “Thunderbird!” “What’s the price?” A dollar twice!” The thought of it brings a smile to my face even though I don’t smoke or drink anymore and I haven’t seen Vic in over a decade. Vic introduced me to Muddy Waters, Robert Johnson, John Lee Hooker (the best bluesman you’ve never heard of) and, of course, B.B. King. And the blues are still a big part of me. So Happy 79th B.B. King and here’s to you Vic where ever you are!

It’s funny how things get twisted around. As I talk to people at work and elsewhere about family life as it comes up. I find myself feeling guilty. Why? Because it seems that most people are unhappy with their marriages. I am not. I couldn’t be happier with my marriage. I won’t get all yucky by going in to that, but I’m truly happy. As I find myself in conversations where folk go on about how their ex is doing them in or how that can’t stand to be around their spouse I fell as though I can’t participate. What I am supposed to say? Gee guys, my wife and I have lots of funny together. That would be like rubbing their noses in it. So I stay quiet and end up feeling a little guilty that I have something they do not. But I can live with that :)

There has been a lot of talk about this reliever for Texas pitching the chair in to the stands, and what is acceptable fan behavior. Its this simple, Frank Francisco has no excuse for his behavior. None. On the other hand, fans are rude. In every game, at every stadium, there are fans behaving like buffoons embarrassing themselves and everyone around them. I hate to take my children to sporting events for just that reason. How twisted is that? I’d like to blame this behavior on the beer flowing at these events, but that’s only part of the problem. What it comes down to is this, as a culture we have lowered our standards. Just walk into any retail store, its almost impossible to get a sales person to pay attention to you. It makes me cringe every time a waitress tells me sorry about the wait we are understaffed. That’s not customer service, don’t tell me about your problems, just smile and say here’s your dinner and I’d probably wouldn’t have even thought about the wait. But customer service is no longer part of the job, we’ve lowered our standards.

Mozilla has just released Firefox 1.0. If you aren’t happy with IE you might want to give it a try. I just downloaded it and so far so good. One noticeable improvement over previous versions — I can now listen online to ESPN radio.com with out having to use IE. There is also a feature that identifies when a page has RSS feeds available but the “live” bookmarks that go with that seem to be hit or miss.

I’ll take a night off on the RNC. I heard Dubya talk, same ole song and dance. Nothing new to cover and nothing I didn’t expect.

Kobe’s off the hook. I’m not sure how I feel about it either. I think most people have said all through this process that, only two people really know what happened that night, but I was hoping that this trial shed some light on Kobe’s actions. Now, we have nothing. No verdict, no evidence. People will believe what they want to. All I can say is, I hope he was innocent of the charges made. It would make me sick to my stomach if I knew that he was out there living the superstar lifestyle after committing that kind of crime.

O’s won again. Why do I think I might be the only person who cares? I’m a fan. I can’t help it.

The instructor that emailed yesterday emailed me back today and informed me that there was a class available, Advanced Web Page Authoring, and it started tonight at 6:00 PM. That sounded interesting, so I get my stuff in gear and got myself registered. Should be a cool class. We will learn some ASP.Net and some Server Side VB.Net. I am excited and relieved. Its bad enough that I am accumulating credits at a snail’s pace, missing a semester would’ve been terrible.

It appears that Deion is indeed coming, although it is very funny that everyone (me included) is making this much of deal about a 37 year old nickleback.

I’ve add the Google site search to my page, but it doesn’t work. This is because Google hasn’t indexed my page yet. My traffic stats say the google has checked the site, so it should index it before too long. I hope. I’ll leave the code in place. The Web Search Feature still works fine. I also have the AdSense ad down the on the sidebar. In theory the ads it puts in place should some how relate to my content. I am forbidden to click on them, cause that against the rules. I am curious about how it gathers click thru percentages and such. So if you have nothing better to do click on one and let me know what on the other side.

I have managed to give to Gmail invites away and for my efforts Google in its infinite wisdom has granted me another invite. The offer still stands.

The O’s managed to win in the 12th inning against TB. They had better find 3rd place in the AL East and keep it if Lee Mazzilli wants to keeps his job. I like the guy, but Angelos spent a lot of money to make this team better, I don’t think he is going to be patient if the Orioles finish in 4th place for the 6th straight year.

I’m doing my best to ignore the Republic National Convention. I realize that I have a Civic Duty to pay attention and all that. But they make me so mad. Tributes about 9/11. As though 9/11 belongs to the Republican Party. That the Terrorist attacks on our nation prove that Bush is a good leader.

“You can count on him, especially in a crisis” - Laura Bush
“He is a leader who doesn’t flinch, doesn’t waver, does not back down” - Arnord Schwarzenegger
“He has been tested and has risen to the most
important challenge of our time, and I salute him,” - John McCain

Now that I’m Fired up let hit a couple more points. You may recall the Republicans try to paint Kerry as waffling and indecisive. For example. All I can say is Karma’s gonna get you baby. Bush has put himself squarely on both sides of the statement he made about not being able to win the war on terror.

And I’m real sick of all this talk about the liberal media. Please! The media does what it does for reason that have nothing to do with politics. The don’t support Bush (although it seems like sometimes.) They don’t support Kerry. They move only where the mighty dollar tells them to go. And right now the dollar pushes them to the right. Don’t mistake cold calculated marketing for a political preference.

Took a nice drive today up into Pennsylvania. Drove past Caledonia State Park throughout the Michaux State Forest to Pine Grove Furnace and from there up into the Cumberland Valley to Boiling Springs. In Boiling Springs we stopped at the Appalachian Trail Conference Regional Head Quarters. There wasn’t anyone there, But I looked through the register and saw that many thru-hikers I met this summer had made it that far. Very pretty country up there, not a bad way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

Tomorrow, I should be starting a new class. Intro to VB. I don’t have much programming experience, so it is a real blast for me to take these classes. I hope get to learn some cool stuff, what I can do now in VB is very limited.

I watched the Ravens third preseason game last night. The offense still looks a little lack luster, but they are making progress (slow but progress.) And I see a glimmer of something exciting between Kyle Boller and Kevin Johnson. They seem to be getting on the same page. And BJ Sams looked good. I think Lamont Brightful will be looking for work when the next round of cuts comes around.

The O’s won. Breaking a 12 game losing streak. I wish I had more to say but…

I am now up to 6 gmail invites. I can’t seem to give them away. So please, please let me know if you want one.

I liked The DaVinci Code so much that I bought Dan Brown’s Angels and Demons. I’m most of the way through it and in a lot of ways I like it better than The DaVinci Code, of course how it ends will affect my final judgment. At any rate, I can safely say that I’m becoming a big Dan Brown fan.

Long week at work this week. Ironic. It was only a 4 day week. It was a good week, made some progress on several projects. Also found out that our General Manger is leaving us to go to a larger division. That makes me sad, he’s a good guy and I know he has faith in my abilities. It will be fine, though, the guy taking over for him is pretty good too.

I found a great article (via onegoodmove.) It is authored by Garrison Keillor of Home prairie Companion fame. The gist of is that the Republican Party has moved from a mainstream Party in the 1950’s to the Ultra-Right wing hate machine that it is today. Of course, he says it better than I could ever dream of. He’s hit the nail right on the head. Both of my parents were raised Republican. They are registered Republicans to this day, but the party has left them behind. When they weren’t looking they became moderate Democrats, although they still resist admitting it.

My wife’s birthday was this week, also. And bonehead that I am, I didn’t realize it until after I got to work. And to make it even worse, I was kind of giving her a hard time that morning about taking care of this or that. A couple of emails and phone calls apologizing and wishing a happy birthday helped some, taking her out to dinner helped some more, getting her the laptop she has wanted didn’t hurt either. I still feel like a complete heel. We get so busy, people just shouldn’t have birthdays during the week.

I’m still feeling a little beat up from the hiking trip last weekend. I’ve been walking around real gingerly, try to keep my sore toes from making contact with my shoe. Thank goodness its the weekend and I can be shoeless or in sandals.

I still have 4 Gmail invites here that I’ willing to give away. If you are interested, leave a comment with your email address. I’ll send an email just to make sure you’re still interested (and to make sure you’re for real … I’m just funny like that.) When you reply I’ll send the invite.

I’ve been reading The DaVinci Code. I’m really enjoying it so far. Besides the plot, I love the fact each is just a few pages long so I can read a chapter here and then whenever I have a few minutes. Of course, I think my wife is getting a little pissed that every time she’s looking for me, she finds me attached to that book.

I found an interesting chart showing the relationship between the terror alerts and Bush’s approval ratings. Of course not all terror alerts are politically motivated, but it does seem that in some cases the Bush Administration has used them for its own purposes. Many of the comments to those post seem to get bogged down in details, but I think the thing to take from this is that the administrations has repeatedly acted in its own interests (and not those of this country.) Many are happy to point to Clinton bombing Sudan during his testimony to Starr commission, and maybe that was a distraction tactic, but it was also a strike against a legitimate terrorist target. The timing can be questioned, but not the actions. With Bush, often times are there no actions, just vague threats.

This morning I helped my dad down a tree and cut it up. It was already leaning pretty badly and he figures better to get it down than to have this left over hurricane weather that is due to come through tonight knock it down. He took it down by himself this morning but as it fell it go t hung up in another tree. The end result being a large tree hanging about 15 feet above the ground across his driveway. It took some work but my brother and I helped him get it down. Not exactly how I wanted to spend my Saturday morning, but I was help to help.

I bought Young Frankenstien on DVD last night. My wife had never seen it so we put it in. I’m not sure that she actually liked it, she fell asleep about 30 minutes in. I still think its funny.

Tonight I am on my way for a week of fishing, swimming, reading and relaxing. Ahh… sounds good doesn’t it. With any luck I will, I will shake this cold. The only thing worse than going to work sick is going on vacation sick. Anyhow … I just bought the DaVinci Code, and I will read it over the course of the week. If it is as good as everyone says it is, I suppose I will add my opinion about it here.

Which reminds me, I signed up for that Amazon Associates thing and put some links to books I have enjoyed. I find it highly unlikey that I will make one red cent off of this, but if someone would happen to want to buy a book cause of my recommendation … Cool.

A couple of thoughts before I go on vacation:

I keep reading about how John Kerry is too stiff and not engaging and “seems to require endless, occasionally tiresome explication” Newsweek 8/2/04
I can’ t believe that we are worrying about this stuff in a president. I don’t want this guy to be my best friend, I want him to lead. The fact that he can explain himself is a plus for me. Quite a change from the utter lack of real substance with the current administration.

Training camps have started across the NFL. I can’t wait for the season to start. Go Ravens!

I’m not really much of a fisherman. So I have been reading up some of the tricks of the trade. The ironic thing about that is .. I don’t really like to eat fish. If I actually catch something worth keeping I’ll have a dilemma about what to do. I know I could always catch and release … but part of the problem with being not a very good fisherman is I usually hook them in an ugly way. So I don’t have much confidence in its survival if I were to release it.

The Olympics are coming and I don’t really care. That’s terrible, and I know it. Maybe once I actually start watching the events (I’ll probably watch) then I’ll care. It just seems like everything about these games is negative. NBA players feeling too self important to represent their country. Marion Jones Doping allegations. The only positives I have heard are about Michael Phelps.

Well, I’m sure I’ll have some thoughts to post from vacation. And hopefully, I’ll get to really unwind.

Blogging

Well, I’ve been doing this blog for two whole weeks now. And of course in true geek fashion I’m all over it. I spent way too much time this weekend working on the layout and I even snuck in a post from work today. But it is a good thing. I’ve done a little writing here and there but I’ve not stuck with it. I’ve thought for years that I should keep a journal, but never had the discipline. So what’s different about the blogging? Two things.

First, you can tweak it. Its a toy. Change the layout, change the template, monkey with the code. Now that’s more fun than a dusty old journal any day.

The other reason Blogging is better: Instant Publishing. I mean when I write I always imagine that some one will read it. I picture some sort of audience. When you keep a journal, who are you going to show it to? Your Family? You Coworkers? No. They already know much of what your writing. They may have been part of some of the incidents you are relaying. Its no good. Ahhh… but this. This anyone might read. I’m not advertising this to my coworkers or my family. My wife has the address but no real interest in reading my thoughts, bad enough she has to hear me rant in person, why would she want to read them.

I’m not doing this so people will read it that’s not really the goal here. I’m doing this because it good for me. My mind is full of ideas that swirl around and it feels good to try straighten them out and put down on this virtual paper here. But it helps to know that some one might read what I’m writing. There’s some validation in that.

Which brings to me an interesting point. It would appear that some one has actually visited this site. Kind of exciting. According to StatCounter around 5:00 pm yesterday someone came to my site. Cool.

Site Design

I’m getting rid of the expand/hide buttons. I like the idea, but I don’t like the fact that they default to everything hidden. So until I can bother t figure out how to change it they’re out of here.

Linux
Sometime I get a complex of sorts that I’m not a very good geek since I work primarily with Windows. Its not that I don’t like Linux. I think it is very cool. But right now, its a Microsoft environment that pay the bills. And then I say to myself: “I’ll use Linux at so that I can get better at it” But the reality is I work hard, and sometimes I just don’t feel like working a using a computer. There are plenty of Linux users who take an attitude that makes me feel like they think I don’t know much about computers because I work on Windows. But come on guys. Its not like I’m configuring ini files in Windows 95. I’m rolling out Group Policies to an Active Directories Domain. I’m managing IP messaging that sends our shipping and billing info directly to customers. Very high tech stuff. No knock on Linux. Not at all. There are lots of places for it. And I have no doubt that its usage will grow. But the modern Windows Operating Systems are very capable and very useful in many environments.

See I feel better for saying that. If anyone is actually read this, please feel free to comment and give me you opinion. I don’t mind people disagreeing with me, as long as they don’t tell me what I’m supposed to think.

Armstrong Wins Record Sixth Tour De France

Simply Incredible! Not only does he win for the sixth time, which no one else has ever done, but he absolutely dominated. Armstrong represents what sports can be at its finest. His performance in the Tour de France (or as us fans like to call it the Tour de Lance) represent what can be accomplished through dedication, training and sheer will. He climbs better than anyone else and now this he killed in the last time trials. As I’ve said before, I have nothing but respect and admiration for this phenomenal athlete.

OK that’s actually a rhetorical question. Isn’t it interesting though, the Mac Fanatics would follow Steve Jobs right of the edge of the Earth and the Linux/Open Source folks have the sound of a religious movement to a lot of what they say. But no such following for Big Bill and Microsoft. Kind of odd, actually. I mean, obviously a lot of people are using their products, but no one feels compelled to defend Microsoft or talk people in to using their products. They are simply the default software — what you get when you don’t do anything else.

And actually, what got me thinking about this is that I am an MCSE. So you would think that the MCSE’s would be big promoters of the Windows Servers and all. But we’re not. Microsoft doesn’t give us any special treatment. I’ve been back and forth with the MCP (Microsoft Certified Professional) people about what my certification level should be. I get conflicting information, the resources published by Microsoft to explain what the requirements for certification are unclear at best and constantly changing. It is very frustrating. To tell it briefly, I thought I had taken enough test to a MCSE:Security but my transcript shows only MCSE 2003. I sent an email to them and they tell me that it will show up soon … be patient. When it doesn’t show up I email again. Now they say oh… you need to pass one more test. I don’t know what’s going on. When I look at the site for the certification it seems they are correct. So either the folks at the training center were just wrong on this or Microsoft has recently changed the requirements. Anyway… this is no way to build a loyal following for Microsoft. And we’ll see how it turns out, but I’ll be ticked if one of those tests was for nothing and I have to take another.

I have to wonder if anyone will ever actually look at my postings out here on the internet. Probably not. Not only that but what are the chances of the stray reader would actually find this interesting? Well… I can not just sit around and hope that someone somewhere finds this and finds it interesting. It is my resolution to post a comment on someone’s blog everyday. Then maybe the favor gets returned.
As if that idea isn’t dorky enough … The oddest image popped into my head. All of bloggers are kinda sitting here tossing out our “Message in a Bottle” just like the song by the Police. Yet somehow, I don’t think that this is what Sting had in mind when he wrote that song.

It seems that everywhere I turn I have some one coming to me and asking about all the “pop ups” on their PC. Of course its spyware. Its everywhere and it is insidious. I have run across everything, The notorious Gator, Bonzia Buddy, 2020 search, WhenUSearch, and on and on it goes. One was devious that when you rebooted the PC it left a hidden registry entry that searched to make sure its files where there, if anything was missing it directed the PC to its install files on the internet and re-installed itself.

This is outrageous. This is very much virus and worm type behavior, but the Anti-Virus companies have been very hands off with these. Only now are they offering a solution, but it is not included with the AV Client. And the part that makes me the most angry: people most be buying junk from those pop up ads. Otherwise these companies would give up.
How do I deal with them? First of all, I don’t download crap from the internet except from reputable sources. (If have to download something from a site I do not trust, I don’t do it on my work PC or the main PC at my house.) Second, I am aware of the way my PC should behave. As soon as it does something unexpected, I drop everything and look into it. I am amazed at how many people keep using their PC’s and just shrug off changes. “I don’t know why my home page changed to that.” “I’m not sure when that toolbar first showed up in the browser.” Finally, I use AdAware and Spybot S+D to fix any thing that does slip in.

The real answer to this problem is that people must be educated as to what they are doing and the consequences of their actions. We have all this great technology at everyone’s fingertips. And its all very easy to use. So people just go out and don’t consider that maybe some of the stuff on the internet may be harmful or malicious. You read about cases of phishing nearly everyday. Uneducated computer users are just victims of waiting to happen. I hope that these trends slow down and users realize that it is in their interest to learn more about what’s going on. So till then I’ll keep educating who I can.