I first saw Ratdog in 1996.

It wasn’t because I was a fan, hell I had no idea who they were.

My buddy told me that we just had to go to Further Festival and who was I to argue. I was 24 years old and an all day hippie festival at the Virginia Beach Amphitheatre in June sounded ideal to me. To be real honest, I wasn’t that interested in the music. The only names in the line up I recognized were Bruce Hornsby and Los Lobos. I only new Los Lobos for their cover of La Bamba and Bruce Hornsby was a little bit ‘Adult Contemporary’ for my taste. I’d never heard of the Headliners, billed as the Ratdog Revue. I was going for the party. A bunch of hippies, outcasts and potheads converging to take the concert experience “Further” in the tradition of Ken Kesey. You know, the guy with Electric Kool Aid Acid Tests.

A few days before the concert, some one tipped me off that Ratdog was the name of the band fronted by Bob Wier and Rob Wasserman. Now Bob Wier I had heard of, the great rhythm guitar player of the Grateful Dead.

Six years earlier, I was in college. My roommate freshman year, Matt, was a true Deadhead. He had concert tapes for dozens of shows. I was familiar with the Dead, of course, Truckin’, Casey Jones, and Sugar Magnolias. But Matt’s tapes contained another dimension of the band that I had never heard before. Extended improv jams in songs like Fire on the Mountain and Eyes of the World. Matt would tell me all kinds of things about the band, perhaps he was trying to convert me. And I heard a lot of Grateful Dead music that year.

I had several opportunities to go see the Dead in the early 90’s, but I never did. I guess I kind of assumed that I would catch them on the next go around of the tour that seemed to never end. But when Jerry Garcia died in 1995, the Grateful Dead dissolved and I would never be able to see them live. I still regret that.

But in 1996,I was going to have the chance to see Bob Wier. I was excited, if I would never see the Dead, this would be the next best thing.

The festival was great. I had a wonderful time. And considering the amount of drugs and alcohol flowing, the people were incredibly laid back. No pushing and shoving, no rudeness, everyone seemed to be happy to be there and happy to be with each other. The music was pretty good too, especially Ratdog.

We had no idea what to expect from them, would it just be the Dead minus Jerry, or would they avoid grateful Dead songs altogether?

They opened with three good old Mississippi Delta Blues songs; Good Morning Little Schoolgirl, Howling and Wang Dang Doodle. Then they played the Dylan classic, Maggie’s Farm. As the music played my mind wandered back to my freshman dorm of all of those songs on Matt’s tapes the one I liked the best was Looks Like Rain. I loved the way Bobby and Donna sang and forth to each other at the end of the song. After Maggie’s Farm, Bruce Hornsby came back on stage and sat at the piano. I can’t express in writing the surge of joy I felt when I heard the opening chords to Looks Like Rain. I got up and danced. And for the rest of the night and continued to just feel the music and dance with it.

The band continued into a smoking version of rhythm and blues classic, Juke. Next a Bob Wier tune, The Winners and then into a nice Easy to Slip/ Supplication jam. A bass solo, featuring the Star Spangled Banner, set up Turn on Your Lovelight to round out the set. For an encore Bob and Rob came back out with Hornsby and Mickey Hart (and probably some others, but I’m not sure) and played Wilson Pickett’s In the Midnight Hour, Dylan’s immortal All Along the Watchtower and Buddy Holly’s Not Fade Away.

A few weeks later, I went to a Smashing Pumpkins concert. The crowd was rude and there was plenty pushing and shoving. Billy Corgan stopped playing in the middle of one of their most popular songs and threw a temp tantrum cause some one from the audience had manged to throw a glow stick up on the stage. The whole thing just left a bad taste in my mouth. I swore off concerts, figuring that perhaps I had simply got too old for them.

I didn’t even consider seeing a concert for over ten years.

I hear people complain about the injustice and the difficulties caused by the beginning of daylight savings time. I, on the other hand, couldn’t be happier about it.

I mean I hate having an hour cruelly plucked away from me in the middle of the night as much as anyone. And I get irked by the whole ’spring forward, fall back’ thing.

“How am I supposed to change the time?”
“It’s spring so we SPRING forward!”
“That’s wonderful but it doesn’t help me. Sunday Morning at 2:00 AM what time will it become?”
“What do you mean?”
“Will it be One or Three?”
“Three.”
“Why couldn’t you just say so.”

I guess I’m just to literal, but it’s much easier for me to remember what exactly it is I’m supposed to do, instead of have to decipher some cutesy little phrase.

Still, it’s worth the minor inconveniences.

The Beginning of Daylight Savings Time marks the end of my annual battle with the cold dark days of winter. Sure there will still be some cold, maybe even some snow, but it won’t last. Today I walked out of the gym at seven o’clock and it was still light. It gives me hope that summer will be here soon.

And I’m not a big fan of the Congress, but moving it 3 weeks earlier was brilliant. Way to go guys! Now if you can just address this stupid war and the failing economy, you’d be on the right track.

From me longer days signal the coming of spring. And spring means being outdoors. Camping, hiking, boating and backpacking. A few of my favorite things.

And suddenly, I don’t feel so bad.

I really am pathetic. For the last 9 weeks or so, I’ve been walking around, more often than not, angry, depressed and just plain miserable.

Today the sun comes out, the temperature climbs close to 70 degrees and I feel great. Everything is looking up.

Am I that much not in control of myself? The weather dictates my mood and I have no say in the matter?

It doesn’t seem reasonable. I think it’s been this way all of my life, although I’ve only recognized recently.

And for the last several years, I’ve asked myself the same question. If the gloom, cold and sort days of winter make me so fucking miserable, why don’t I just move some place that stays warm and sunny all year? Like Florida or Arizona.

There is no good answer. Except that uprooting my whole family and quitting a perfectly good job to move hundreds of miles away on the hope that better weather will cheer me up, just doesn’t seem reasonable. Yet… I still think about it.

There is no doubt that I will end up some place where the sun shines more often than not. It just may take till I retire and that won’t be any time soon.

At least, for now, I know that winter is nearing the end. Around here winter doesn’t seem to just stop and then spring magically starts. It seems more complex than that.

It starts with a day like today. A day that seems like spring has finally arrived. But I know better. Winter will re-assert itself. Spring will continue to pop up. Here and there. And each time, it will last a little longer, and winter will be weaker each time it tries to make itself known. Till finally winter just never comes back.

I can’t wait.

… but I think my chi is all fucked up. Or maybe it’s karma. Or maybe it’s just shit.

Things aren’t right, but I know that the root of all of it is me. There are some external factors fucking with me, but mostly it’s just me.

Nothing seems right. And I can’t fix it. As a matter of fact, quite the opposite. Whatever attempt I make to fix things, seems to make it worse.

Some times, when shit is off like this, I rage a bit and then feel better. But we’re well beyond raging. I don’t know what to do when this happens. (Yes, it has happened many times before.) So I get manic. And obsessive.

So far this week, I’ve updated my long lost forum. Well, a little bit. I’ve imported a number of Ratdog and Dead shows into my iTunes. Edited, organized and tagged several hundred photos. Researched alternatives for streaming my stupid radio show. Cleaned the kitchen. And all of that in my free time. I’ve spent most of my time at work.

Don’t think that it stops when I’m at work either. I’ve organized my files. Updated my address book and calendar. Updated all kinds of documentation.

Even my dreams are fucked up.

It’s this same manic behavior that leaves me with 4 or 5 blogs, a radio show, a forum, a (defunct) club and I don’t even know what else.

I don’t enjoy any of this stuff, I just need to DO something. Anything.

It doesn’t work.

I tend to interrupt myself to jump from one obsession to another.

I suppose this will pass, but I don’t know when. Consider yourself warned.

I do hate January. I hate the short, cold gray days. I hate that everything is dead. It’s a stupid time of year. One of these years, I’m gonna say, fuck it and move somewhere that is warm and bright. Florida, Arizona, Somewhere.

I get depressed. I don’t want to, but it seems to be out of my control. I’m sure this has to do with the general deadness of everything. And the lack of sunlight. Every year, I struggle through it.

On the bright side. I have a new toy.

After two and a half years and 100 plus episodes of Shitty Blog Radio, it seemed like it was time for some better equipment. It took me a few hours to get it all working, but after a good test drive tonight, I think I’ve got it.

Of course, new mic or not, Shitty Blog Radio will still suck. You can increase the sound fidelity but it won’t fix the content. You can (of course) tune in Thursdays at 10 PM EST to decide for yourself.

Work has been a drag. Budget cuts and bullshit politics have ground my project to halt. I am beginning to wonder if I am working in the right place.

So, to amuse myself, I follow the Ravens hunt for head coach and watch as the Patriots march on to history. And the good news is… by the time they get there, this god forsaken month will be over.

That last post was relatively upbeat. Mostly this is how I feel, but there is another side to all this.

I’m reminded of this as I sit here at a party, by myself, blogging on my phone.

In spite of my various successes, I still seem to end up alone in the crowd. I’m sure you think that I separate myself, but its not true. I really make an effort to fit in and be a part of things. It just doesn’t work.

So I find myself ending 2007 the same way every year ends. Sitting alone in the crowd. I’m doing my best not to let it get me too down.

It is, however, a reminder that there is still more work to be done in ‘08.

My sinuses are still bothering me. I feel much better than I did the weekend of the blogathon, but I’m nowhere near %100. I can’t breathe. Which makes everything difficult. Especially the gym.

On the flipside, I’ve found a podcast that doesn’t suck. It’s called Podrunner and it’s an hour long mix of techo-ish music all set at a constant beat rate. It’s awesome for running or whatever.

I’ve been told that if I want Shitty Blog Radio to be successful, I have to promote it. It sounds like good advice, but I really suck at self promotion. It seems like bragging or something. Regardless, you should check out Shitty Blog Radio tomorrow night at 10 PM EST. It is the ‘Worst Show on the Internet’ or at least that’s what I’ve dubbed it. What is is mostly is some rage filled nonsense. Or something. Actually, it’s kind of hard to explain. You’d have to hear it.

Thanks to the magic of DVR I’ve seen 3 episode of Star Trek in the last 36 hours. I hadn’t watched good old original Star Trek in years. In my minds eye I had reduced it to not much more than Kirk… speaking in.. intervals that. Make. No. Sense. And paper mache sets, Red Shirted Ensigns and special two handed future punches. It, of course, has all those things, but in spite of that it’s pretty good show. It’s been fun to discover these episode all over again.

Right now I should be packing to go backpacking on Friday. I’m just throwing that out there.

I have struggled with this blogging thing nearly as long as I have been doing it.

I like the idea of putting my ideas down in html and putting them out there to so if anyone gives a shit. On one level this has worked well for me. There have been a surprising amout of people who seem to want to hear what I have to say. On the other hand, it doesn’t work the way I thought it would.

Blogging has become (or maybe it always was) about communities. These are my blog friends. I have to read what they are writing. And we will be like a group. We will join the same traffic generating scams. We will play the same meme games.

I don’t like that. I came here to say something. I hope you’ll listen. But I dont want you to expect me to listen to you. If you have something interesting to say, I’ll listen or I’ll move on. It’s not personal. Or it shouldn’t be. Maybe it should be, I don’t know, but that’s not what I wanted out of this.

I’ve been more frustrated than usual with this recently. This is why I have posted so little.

I was going to shut it down.

Not quit. I still have the urge to express myself in this way. But I was extremely close to shutting it all down and starting somewhere else. And no, I wouldn’t have let you know. Not even you. It’s not personal. But if I let you know. Then I’d let him know. And before long, we’d be right back to here. Just ask Mango. He knows.

But I didn’t. I have some sort of pride in this meager collection of shit. And I don’t want to start over.

I have to refocus. Beside the community aspect, I didn’t fully think out the implications of publishing. It’s on a micro scale, but this must be what columnist deal with every day. The comments are a both wonderful and awful. I love the feedback. I love to know what you think about what I write. But I hate it. Sometimes I want to scream, who asked you? I can never decide if I should respond to the comments or not.

The reality is, this is publishing. On a small scale, but still it is. I’m putting it out there and for that I have to live with the consequences of that decision. I can’t pick and choose who reads this. I can’t do anything about it if you don’t understand what I mean, even though I’ve been as clear as I can be. I can’t censor any reaction, in the comments or else where, that results from what I’ve written. And I can’t worry about those things as I sit to write a new thing.

Like I said, I’m amazed that as many people have listened to me as have. Yet I look around and see that, all things considered I don’t get much traffic. Most blogs get 10 times what I do. I’m told that it’s quality over quantity. I’m told that it’s cause I don’t play the ‘game.’ This is probably true. But I can’t help wonder, why not me? Why shouldn’t people want to not only read this, but urge others to? But it doesn’t work that way. Not for me. And if I’m going to be true to me, then I need to accept that.

I’ll keep it up. At least I’ll try to. This blog and the stupid radio show. I think that for some reason, I’m more comfortable with the Radio thing than the blogging. I guess it’s a matter of expectation. The SBC, I’m not so sure of. I think it’s time has past. I look at the blogs who request membership. I don’t think they get it. Maybe I should let it fade away. And don’t worry, if I do I’ll run Shitty Blog Survivor from here. I do like that. It’s been fun this year.

Still, sometimes I hope that people will ‘get’ me. That I’ll have dozens of readers instead of 5. But I’m full of shit. I’m not cut out to be popular. I never was. And I never will be. There’s more to popularity than people liking you, you have to play the ‘game.’ And I quite simply can’t do that.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have 18 hours of Star Trek on my DVR.

First and foremost, thank you again to each and everyone of you that sponsored me. It really means a lot to me. In theory, the blogathon people will send you an email asking you to fulfill your pledge, but I’ll let you in on a secret. You can go to your profile at blogathon.org and click on edit next to this blog under “Your Pledges.” On that page you can simply push the button that says, “Fulfill this pledge directly with Freedom from Hunger now” and then fill out the Online Donation form at Freedom from Hunger.

I don’t really like to acknowledge it when I’m sick, I always want to think that I can just will it away, mind over matter style. But it doesn’t work that way. I have a sinus infection. And I don’t feel good at all. This made this blogathon much harder for me than it otherwise would have been. The headache that I had during the whole thing tested my patience and made me even grumpier than usual.

There are some aspects to the blogathon that really do irk me. I feel it could be better organized and designed to be much more inclusive to all participants. It also steams me that BE and Lewis get all kinds of plugs when they don’t even raise a cent for charity (at least not that I could see.) There were at least 2 stations involved with this blogathon were playing music and supporting charity.

In the waning moments of the blogathon, I had an epiphany. I am a lousy blogger. Occasionally, people try to swell my head by telling me that I am a good writer. Who knows, maybe I am, but that doesn’t making me a great blogger. I don’t need to be a great blogger, but I had never made that distinction before. The one thing I could do to be a better blogger is to post much more regularly. I’ll try. I’ve had some issues with this blog and I’ve been real tempted to scrap it. But I think I should keep it. I mean it’s over 3 year old, I’d hate to start over.

Who knows, after a good night sleep all this may seem very different to me.

Mango has donated $60 in honor of his Grandmother, Meta Conway. She passed away this past week.

I know that this has been a difficult week for Mango and I am touched that he has decided to honor her memory is this way.

Hell, I’m as close to speechless as I get.

Thanks, dude. Be well.

So I decided on a block of Floyd. Since my only listener doesn’t get the difference between real Floyd and new Floyd. We consider this to be educational programming. Besides the Floyd makes me happy.

I’ve got this Red Bull in front of me still, but I’m trying to hold off on drinking it…

Never mind. I drank it.

I have no idea what the fuck I am going to post about now. So this could get ugly. Or boring. Or just plain lame.

I can hear what you are thinking… (Lame… How can I will the difference?)

Very funny.

Don’t look now… I think I got a second listener.

I may have to resort to watching TV and telling you about. Or should I read comic books to you?

As I was saying…

There is plenty of food, more than enough.

I truly believe that there is enough food out there to prevent chronic hunger forever. It’s just not all in the right place.

We can fix this. (No smartass, I don’t want you to mail that left over piece of pizza to Africa.) A relatively small amount of money can help not only feed people who are starving, but help to education them on how to manage finance and improve infrastructure.

And if it is possible to fix this, and I believe it is, then we must do this. How can it be that there are people starving, when it can be fixed?

So I picked Freedom from Hunger for my charity. They believe, as I do, that hunger can be eliminated.

Hey, you can help too! Five dollars can make a difference. $25 is huge! And $100 would be AWESOME! You want to be awesome, don’t you?

And I’m putting my money where my mouth is. I’m matching 10% of the total pledges. I want to get up to $500 in pledges before this is done. I know it is unlikely, but I would love nothing more than to have to shell out $100 to match a $1000 in pledges.

I’ll be back in 30 minutes. Hell… I’ll be here all day.

Do you ever wonder how people come to choose a charity to get behind? I mean not just blogathon either. How do celebrities end up sponsoring this charity or that charity? I guess they have people for that. People who go find charities that match their interests (and will best serve their PR people.)

I, believe it or not, don’t have people. Yet I still had to pick a charity. For me, this wasn’t easy. I am passionate about many things and there are dozens of charities that address these things. How to narrow it down to one that I am willing to give up a day of my life for. How to pick one that I am willing to ask friends and strangers to support?

It wasn’t easy. But I think that one of the things that upsets me the most is this: I live in a country that thrives on excess. Super-sized fast food, big-fucking-sodas at the convenience store. And Junk Food. Everywhere I look, there is food and too much of it. More than we really need. And that’s fine I guess.

But here’s the rub, if we have so much extra, how is it that anyone, anywhere is starving?

I think this thought is bigger than the time I have… I’ll finish it in the next post!

I went backpacking. Again. I know, it’s almost boring. It was a great weekend.

I’m sure its just me being paranoid, but as the end of Dubya’s term gets closer, I keep waiting for some one to announce that they are extending his term indefinitely, citing terrorist threats and what not.

Thanks Monty, Mango and WK for sponsoring me in the blogathon. You can sponsor me too. Dammit.

Two weeks till training camp starts. I can’t wait.

I got a promotion at work. I am now, officially, a Network Engineer. But you can still call me Jeckles.

I’ve changed my gym routine around a bit. I’ve added more emphasis to muscle training. I’ve also added protein shakes to my diet. I’m seeing good results.

Shitty Blog Radio is stupid. My mother has never listened to it. (And this is a good thing.) But for some reason she keeps telling everyone in my extended family about it. I spent an uncomfortable 15 minutes yesterday, trying to explain to my nice Christian cousins what is I do on the internet radio. Maybe my mom should listen. I bet she’d stop telling family about it.

Shitty Blog Survivor is even dumber.

And now my lunch break is over.

11 days. An ambitious plan. I knew that it was extremely possible that I would not complete the whole trip. And I was at peace with that.

I did, however, think that I would make it further than this.

Details to follow.

For now, I am home a week earlier than I expected to be. I still have next week off, but I am seriously considering going to work. I mean what’s the point of taking Vacation Days just to sit around the house?

Still, I feel refreshed. I got some time off work and spent some time in the woods. These things are important to me.

The backpacking is something I need to think hard about. Be able to walk the Appalachian Trail from beginning to end is a goal I have had for a long time now. And I’ve been working towards being able to complete that goal. Every time I turn down a donut or cookie; every step on the treadmill and stair-stepper is towards that goal. And I’ve done well, but it has left me in a situation that I hadn’t considered before.

While I have prepared myself for this, most of my hiking/camping buddies are not physically or mentally prepared for this. I think that, realistically, if I want to be able to do a long section hike, I will have to do it alone.

I don’t like alone. I don’t care for it one bit. I’ve had times in my life of terrible loneliness. I never feel teh need or desire for long stretches of solitude. I enjoy leaving the world behind when I go backpacking, but I like a companion or two to enjoy it with.

This is a contradiction that I will have to deal with.

I feel that, on some level, maybe it would be healthy for me to come to terms with the solitude. To find a way live quietly with myself, to help me to appreciate the company of others more. But being alone in the woods for several days is a hard thing for to do. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not talking about being a hermit or anything. This time of year, there are several hikers on the AT. I would not be completely isolated, but I would be alone.

This is something I will have to think on for a while. I may sneak out and take a weekend trip by myself and see how it feels, see if this is something I can do.

To be able to do this alone will take a new level of mental toughness, and quite honestly, I don’t know if I am ready for that.

I’m back.

I went camping. Not backpacking, but car camping.

Car camping is so different. We had so much stuff. A big old stove, a propane lantern, a cooler, camp chairs! The funny thing is, compared to the other car campers we were roughing it. We hardly had any stuff compared to most of them. But when you compare it to backpacking, we were living like kings.

Shutter and I took his kid and my younger child out for an overnight camping trip. We had fun, but I have to admit I prefer camping with out the kids. I’m a jerk like that I guess. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good time and I’ll do it again.

Chasing kids around saying, “keep your hat on, keep your gloves on, don’t touch that” isn’t exactly a vacation for me. But I didn’t take my kid camping so I could get a vacation. My parents took us camping every year. I must ahve been about six months old on my first camping trip. Looking back on it, I suppose that economics had a lot to do with it. It is a hell of lot cheaper to go camping than go to Disneyland.

The result was that I (and my brothers too, I think) grew up with an appreciation for the outdoors. Many of my fondest childhood memories revolve around being out in the woods in the Adirondacks or the Blue Ridge Mountains. We would explore the woods near the campsite. I imagined that I was an explorer walking through woods that no one had ever set foot in before. There is something primal and satisfying about sitting around campfire at night.

The point, I suppose, is that I learned these things while camping with my parents. I feel a deep responsibility to take my kids out so that they can have the same opportunity.

To put it more simply, while backpacking is more enjoyable for me, I need to take my kids out to the woods so that they have the chance to learn to love it like I do. And I think they will.

As for this trip, it was a pretty typical camping trip ( except maybe colder than you would have expected in April.) We went for a walk. The kids “discovered” an amphitheater in the woods, a creek an d a pond complete with frog eggs.

We had hot dogs for dinner and S’mores for dessert. Only after feeding them the gooey combination of marshmallow and chocolate did it occur to me that the tradition of giving kids S’mores and then expecting them to be able to lay down and go to sleep is a bit stupid. But we must have worn them out enough, cause they went to sleep with out incident. We buried them in sleeping bags and blankets to keep them warm.

Having put the kids down, Shutter and I finally got a chance to sit down and relax. The temperature continued to drop, be we we dressed warmly and we built the fire up to a nice warm blaze. We sat and talked and laughed till midnight or so.

We woke up and ate a hearty camping breakfast of eggs, pancakes and bacon. And then set ourselves to the task of breaking camp. It is so much easier to break camp when you are backpacking.

We rounded out the morning by taking a fairly long walk up the Appalachian Trail. We walked to the point that is the “official” half way point on the trail. And then we headed home.

I think that it was a successful trip by any measure.

And better yet, I get to go backpacking next weekend.

Captain America is dead.
Shot down in cold blood.

If that doesn’t make you a bit sad, then there must be something wrong with you.

And Marvel, if you think Short-Shipping Captain America #25 will create more ‘buzz,’ you are probably right. But Dammit, why? I just want to be a dutiful little comic book geek and run out collect it. But no. It’s already sold out.

Like he’ll stay dead. I remember back when Superman was dead. That didn’t last either.

I think that it is possible that I’m not really good at this blogging thing. I wonder why it took me two and half years to figure this out.

I’ve been invited to a party in Las Vegas. But I can’t afford to go. It’s just too expensive to fly out there for one weekend.

Doesn’t that just suck?

Don’t answer. That was one of those rhetorical questions.

Today alone, no less than six people reinforced my notion that most people are simply to stupid to be allowed to be left to their own devices.

Remind me to tell you what is wrong with Public Education today, but make sure you have plenty of time when you do.

Also remind me to tell you about my hiking trip from a month ago.

And it snowed. I was really ready for spring. All the signs are here. Daylight Savings is coming. The Orioles are looking good in Spring Training (they do this to more thoroughly crush our hopes in July.) And my narcissus have peaked up thruogh the mulch. Okay, they did that back in January, but you get the point.

I set up MAME on PC. All the better to enjoy Pacman and Burger Time. All I need now is a good, old-school joystick.

Do you ever wish that the Internet was harder to use, just to keep the morons out?

And lastly, I used Puppy Linux to rescue files off of a corrupted Windows Laptop. I’m like a superhero.

To the disappointment of many, I did not freeze to death in the woods.

I might write about the trip, but who knows, I may not. I don’t actually think anyone cares about the details.

While I was out there, I did lot a of thinking. It’s easy to think when you have nothing to do but walk.

I remember thinking to myself; these are good thoughts, I should write about them in the blog. Would you believe that I can’t remember any of it?

It’s true. I suck like that.

I’ve been back two days and already I feel as stressed and miserable as I did before I left, or worse.

I think that there is something wrong with me.

And I have no idea what to do about it.

I feel like I need a new job, or a second one. I suddenly feel like I need to be making more money.

I was going to write about the nice thing that I did today, but I no longer feel like it.
Nice went out the window a few hours ago.

I come home for lunch each day. I only live a few miles from work and I find it to be the easiest way to go.

I am counting my calories these days. With great success, I might add. I have lost 15 or so pounds in the last month. I have twenty some odd to go to reach my goal. I have a ham and turkey on rye with cheese, every day. Heated the toaster oven. I prefer hot meals, for some reason. It is about a 400 calorie meal and it is quite filling.

It must be annoying to people around me when I start talking about calorie this and gym that, but when you are focused on that stuff you think about it a lot. You have to. It is too easy for me to start rationalizing why I can eat this or that. So I stay focused. I eat (give or take) 1000 calories a day. They tell me that I need to eat more. They tell me that my metabolism will slow down to much. I think that they are full of shit and more interested in selling me stuff than they are in me just losing the weight.

My metabolism is fine, thank you very much. I go to the gym nearly every weekday. I get on the treadmill, walk for five minutes to warm up, run for thirty minutes and then walk for five more to cool down. Then I go work some of the weigh machines. I doubt I’ll ever build any muscle worth noting, but I’m told that building muscle burns fat. So I do what I can.

I think about this stuff at lunchtime, because it is the best defense I know against just breaking down and eating out. I have a goal, and I am focused.

Next weekend will be the first big payoff for my efforts. By bringing my weight down, I should have a lot my more energy and stamina when hiking. And since my robot like friend will be coming, I’ll need all the energy I can get.

Other thoughts:

I don’t hate my job today, nearly as much as I did yesterday. But I still don’t like it. If anyone knows of a company hiring Network Engineers in Florida, let me know. Thanks.

I truly hate blogging. Why I do keep doing it? I can’t find a better system for expressing myself. I used to think that blogging would be a truly free and open way to express yourself. It isn’t. People react to what you post. Those reactions influence how you post in the future, whether or not you want them to. And don’t think it’s just me. We wouldn’t get this infighting among bloggers (I’m sure you’ve seen it somewhere) if people weren’t sensitive to how people react.

If you want to get a real feel for the news, turn the volume off and the closed captioning on. You’ll be able to see how they repeat certain concepts over and over again. I never watch the news if I can avoid it, but when I’m on the treadmill I watch whatever is in front of me, often it is Fox News. Last night I saw them report on one guys theory about Sandy Berger destroying National Archive documents. I know nothing about this and I really don’t care, but in read the closed captioning it became clear that what was on the TV wasn’t exactly news.

To paraphrase, the segement went a little like this:

FoxNews: Did Sandy Berger steal documents from the National Archives to hide handwritten notes written by Bill Clinton and high level cabinet members? That’s what one expert believes. Tell us, did Berger steal and destroy these notes?
Expert: I believe he did. If there were handwritten notes and he destroyed them, there may be a cover up.
FN: So Berger could have been destroying handwritten notes, written in the margins.
Expert: Yes, the copies at the national archinves have no notes so he must have destroyed the originals to cover them up.
FN: Has the National Archives seen these notes.
Expert: They are unaware of any notes

.

Meanwhile, there is a graphic that says “Sandy Burglar” in the background the entire time. I don’t know or care about this, maybe the dude stole and covered up a loads of stuff. But that interview provided no proof of it. What it did do is repeat the accusation over and over again.

I used to worry about the government lying to us. Now they don’t have to. The cable news networks are there to confuse the issues for them.

Lunchtime is over. Maybe we’ll do this again sometime.

I was watching Star Trek yesterday.

I watch Star Trek nearly everyday.

Yesterday, it was The Next Generation variety.

The episode was Tapestry.

Any episode with Q is worth watching, but this episode is probably one of the best they ever did.

The basic idea of the episode is this:

Captain Picard finds himself dead after a phaser blast (or some such thing) makes his artificial heart fail. In the afterlife he is greeted by the apparently omnipotent Q.

Q explains that the reason Picard is a dead is because of the artificial heart, had he still had his human heart he would be alive and well.

Q gives Picard the chance to go back and do it all over again, a chance to avoid the fight with an ugly alien that resulted in him getting a new heart.

Picard suddenly finds himself back in his 20-something self. He’s a Ensign just out of the Academy, out with his best friends from the Academy for one last weekend out, before they go to their first assignments as Star Fleet Officers.

Picard relives the weekend, this time with the perspective of a middle aged, successful Star Fleet Captain. He manages to prevent the fight with the Aliens from happening, and he never gets stabbed in the heart. As a result, he never gets an artificial heart.

Q returns him to the present, and Picard finds that he isn’t Captain of the Enterprise, he is a Lieutenant in Astrophysics who spends his days running reports and analyzing data. He is relieable, but unspectacular. He will never advance beyond this post in this new present.

Q visits Picard one last time. He explains that by avoiding that fight, the young Picard never found his life in danger, never decided to live for the now, never learned to take chances.

Or more simply put, his past, especailly the parts of it that he wasn’t proud of, were intregral to making him into the man that he became.

Q sends him back to his younger self again, this time Picard allows himself to be drawn into the fight, knowing full well that is could cost him his life in the present. Death, he decides, would be preferable to surviving as a man that is a pale imitation of his self.

This episode is great.

I have so many regrets about my past, and watching this episode always reminds me, that what I’ve experienced— good and bad— has made me who I am.

I still have room for improvement. (Lots of room.) But the place for improvement is right here and now, not in wishing that this or that had gone differently.

I have been thinking recently.

The above sentence is ridiculous on many levels.

I am always thinking.

“You think too much.”

You wouldn’t believe how often I’ve heard that.

But, as usual, I have been thinking. And what I have been thinking about is choices and risks.

I am risk adverse. I mean, I’m okay with Roller Coasters and Rock Climbing. Those kinds of things don’t scare me. But when it comes to ‘life decision’ things, I’m as conservative as Newt Gingrich.

I look around and I’m not happy with what I see. There is nothing special about where I live or the job that I have. I have family here, but we don’t see each other very often.

I think that I should pack my shit and move my family to somewhere new. Somewhere sunny. There are IT jobs everywhere and most of them probably pay better than the one I have.

I should do it. I should but I don’t.

The what if’s eat at me.

So I keep doing the same thing.

I don’t even know that this is a bad thing. I am what I am. I have a tremendous amount of respect for anyone who can just pack up and move to go get what they want.

Maybe the problem is that I don’t know what I want.

Maybe the problem is that I think too much.

Where have I been you ask?

That’s a funny kind of question, isn’t it? I’m right here where I’ve always been. But I know what you mean.

I haven’t felt like blogging. I’m not talking about the disgust or frustration that I usually find myself feeling about blogging. I just haven’t felt like it.

I sit down with this notion that I will blog, but instead I end up playing Pac Man for an hour.

Some times I think that I have something to say, but when I sit here in front of the ole super computer I don’t say it.

Go figure.

I guess it is part of an apathy that has been threatening to overwhelm me.

Or maybe its that my life is too boring to be put into words.

Or maybe, just maybe, I can’t remember why I blog.

I know why I started. At that time, I thought that I had something unique to say. But I’ve learned that I don’t. If the Internet teaches nothing, it should teach us that there is nothing new under the sun.

Let’s blame the short days and the unnaturally warm weather. (It’s true, I prefer warmer weather, but this has just seemed wrong.)

I’ve lost my center. I seem to be drifting. This happens from time to time. But I really need to get it back. Luckily, I have just remedy. I have a trip scheduled — yes a backpacking trip, is there any other kind — in early February. And I seem to recall that I swore to myself that I wouldn’t go backpacking in the cold of winter anymore. (It also occurs to me that I had made and broke that oath before.) But it is necessary. To attempt to limit the amount of freezing and shivering that will happen, I’ve rented two Cabins that we will hike to. The are equipped with fireplaces, wood stoves and four walls. It will be great.

And with any luck, I’ll be able to re-center myself.

At least, I hope I will.

Yes. I am going to say Brian Billick should be coach of the year. He won’t be. But he should be.

You should understand that I don’t say this simply because I’m a Ravens fan. Honestly, I was one of the ones who last year was calling for Billick to be fired. The team was a disaster. Ray Lewis was injured and not speaking to anyone. Jamal Lewis was mad at the terms of his new deal. The Defense was openly criticizing the Offense for not be able to stay in games. There was no discipline. And Billick instead of addressing it, made excuses for it.

By the end of the season, most people felt that he would (and should) be fired. But Biscotti did something rarely seen in pro sports. He held a press conference, with Billick in attendance, and announced to the media that Billick would not be fired, but he expected changes. He went on to list them. Billick would stop being so arrogant. He would stop condescending to the media. He would be more connected to the team. He would listen to players. He would stop being soft in practices and at training camp.

I think all of us have probably had, at some point or another, a conversation with a boss where that boss outlined how we could be a better employee. It’s not fun, especially, the points that we know are right. I cannot image how it would feel to have that conversation happen in front of the entire world, should they be inclined to watch.

By the time you read this, Sean Payton of the Saints will have won the Coach of the Year honors. And what he has done as a rookie coach has been impressive. But he’s had some help. The other new arrivals in the Big Easy (Drew Brees, Reggie Bush, Marques Colston and Mark Simoneau) had a lot to do with the turn around season for the Saints.

The Ravens on the other hand haven’t changed much in the way of personnel. As a matter of fact the most significant change has been the addition of Steve McNair. But you have to understand that before signing McNair, Billick had to first admit he was wrong about Boller. Something he had been unwilling to do in the past.

Billick has done something most of could not have. He decided that he wanted to stay and he wanted to win, so he swallowed his pride (and in Billick’s case that is no small task) and made the changes demanded by Biscotti.

And the changes have paid off. The Ravens are the number two seed in the AFC and on top of the tough AFC North. They have an impressive 13-3 record, the best in team history. They swept the arch-rival Steelers and are favorites to make it to the AFC Championship Game.

Billick took a 6-10 team full of locker room divisions and sloppy play and turned them into a team that has every right to believe that they belong in the Super Bowl. He did it by putting his ego aside and doing what needed to be done. And for that he deserves Coach of the Year.

I’m in a shitty mood this morning. Of course, it is almost afternoon. This isn’t helping my mood out at all. But none of that matters.

From inside my skull:

I’ve been looking a bit at the new Vista OS. It’s pretty good, of course it ought to be after 5 years or so of development. I have been planning to make some changes to my ’supercomputer.’ Initially, I was thinking of putting some flavor of Ubuntu on it, but now I’m considering Vista. Linux or Vista? There are good reasons for both. I love the whole Open Source thing and the implied geekiness that goes with Linux, but Vista is new and shiny. Plus, sooner or later I’ll be supporting Vista at work, the more familiar I am with the better off I’ll be. At the moment, I’m totally undecided.

I can’t help thinking that we haven’t seen the worst of this Iraqi sitiuation yet.

There are all kinds of playoff implications in todays games. Not only in the NFL but in my Fantasy Football League. So in addition to the Ravens, I’ll be rooting for LT, Jerricho Cotchery and Eli Manning.

Monday Night Football presents me with a unique dilemma Assuming the Ravens win today. If Indy wins, the Ravens clinch the AFC North. If Cincy wins we clinch the Playoffs but not the AFCN. However we will move into Second Place in the overall standings in the AFC. I think I’ll just go with my gut here and root against Cincinattica.

I really need to go backpacking. This mild weather has only made this fact more obvious to me. Spring cannot get here fast enough.

The middle of next week will mark the shortest day of the year. I look forward to it, only so I can start seeing the days get longer again. All this darkness puts a hurting on my psyche.

I hurt my foot while running the other week. Nothing serious, but it does hurt when i put my weight on it. I kept running each day, hoping that it would work itself out. It did not. I believe that my sneakers were the culprit. So I switched shoes, but the pain is still there. And there is nothing more pathetic than seeing a middle aged guy hobbling along in a half run-half limp on the treadmill. I bought some new running shoes this weekend, which in the long run should help. My problem is what to do about the short term. I don’t run on the weekends, so it has had a chance to heal some, but if it still hurts tomorrow, I’ll have to make some choices. Either I just take a week off, I use the Elliptical Machines for a week (which will put less strain on my foot, but causes my knees problems,) or I just keep running. None of those are great options.

Every time I hear about Hilary Clinton getting ready to run for President, it makes me happy. Not for any particular reason, it just feels like a good thing.

I am sick of work. Luckily I’ll get the last week of the year off. Hopefully, I can come back re-charged.

Is privacy important?

The nature of this question keeps changing. Should we sacrifice a little privacy to make the world safer? To make it more convenient?

It seems that this question is no longer academic for me.

At work we got a new piece of equipment. A network analyzer to go with our firewall. Our Network Analyst, who is responsible for the firewall has been testing it out.

It seems that there is very little information that is hidden from him.

Oh. I know the information has always been there, for anyone with the right tools and enough time. But this has raised the stakes. He can read in near real time what you are saying on IM or what web page your are reading. Who you are logged in as.

If he were inclined, he could know just about anything I did on line, with no more effort than you are expending to read this blog.

He let our Network Engineers know about the capabilities of this device by reading verbatim an IM conversation between to of them.

The reaction in the room was unanimous: Fuck this.

Like I said, we know that nothing is safe or secret in the electronic world. We know that better than most people. We also know the pure volume of stuff happening on the network at any given moment should mean that whatever we do is just part of the noise.

Not anymore.

Of course, the argument always goes— if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear.

Like most old arguments, it’s dead wrong.

Typical Chat conversation:

jeckles:dude
shutter:what’s up!
jeckles:that meeting was lame!
shutter:oh yeah?
jeckles:fuck yeah. you should have heard the dumbass shit that so and so was saying.
shutter:hahahhaha. I know so and so is such a tool… why do they invite him to those meetings
jeckles:to make me nuts, I think

Harmless. Just a little venting between co-workers. I’m sure it happens all the time. But what if ’so and so’ got access to the logs of the analyzer? Yeah. That would be bad.

And even if I refrained from criticizing or insulting anyone on IM, would it still be OK?

No.

Imagine if your boss offered you overtime to work on a project. You declined because you had plans for the weekend. You don’t tell your boss that your plans are to watch all 12 hours of LotR, its none of her business. But when you tell your buddy about your plans and she sees the logs…

What if some one was planning to quit? That’s not illegal or immoral, yet you wouldn’t want anyone at work to no about it before you told them.

The scenarios are endless. The fact remains that recording personal conversations is wrong. It’s probably legal, but what’s legal and what’s right often don’t line up.

There is a need to monitor what happens on a network and to control the kinds of traffic that is on the network. But there has to be a way to do it without spying on your own employees. I’d rather have IM blocked than monitored.

So what happened at work?

We downloaded and install a tool to encrypt our IM. Our Network Analysts blocked our IM. Our CIO said, “You guys can encrypt it? Send me the link.” Our Analyst backed off.

But this isn’t going to go away.

What should you take out of this? Two things.

Protect your privacy. If you think you have nothing to hide, you underestimate the ill will people can possess.

And if you IM me while I’m at work, assume what ever you type is being read. Cause it probably is.

I spend a lot of time thinking about Christmas, this time of year. Not so much the what am I going to get nor what I plan to give. I think more about how does Christmas fit into my life and that of my family.

I guess for most people, that kind of thing is just a given. For me it’s harder. I’m an atheist.

Before we go any further, let’s talk about that statement.

I’m an atheist. By that I mean I don’t believe in god. I do NOT mean that I am sick of religion, that I am immoral, that I hate Christians, that I am trying to make some sort of statement, that deep down inside I really do believe. I have people try to assign those things to me, but they do not apply. I just don’t believe. Sorry. I’ve thought a lot about it during the course of my life. I’ve read huge chunks of the Bible as well as parts of the Koran, some Hindu and Buddhist works, the Book of Mormon and even several issues of the Watchtower. I’ve read and I’ve examined my thoughts and beliefs. But at the end of the day, I just don’t believe.

Having said that, part of me feels like I have no right to celebrate Christmas. It’s a Christian Holiday, why would I celebrate? To be honest, at first the only reason I did celebrate it was for the kids. Actually, that’s not even true. I did it for my mother. She would have been ruined if I didn’t give my kids Christmas.

So we had Christmas. At least most of it. Christmas Tree, presents in the morning, lights on the house. No church. No Jesus. I do mention to my kids that a lot of people are celebrating the birth of Christ. They should be aware of that. But you’ll find no Nativity Scenes at the Jeckles household.

The funny thing is this, I found that I enjoyed it. As a matter of fact, I enjoyed it a lot. I guess a lot of my objections to Christmas as a teenager and a young adult came from the obligatory Church Services. They made me feel so uncomfortable and so unwelcome. But as I started my Christmas traditions with my own family I was able to really enjoy them.

At first, I felt guilty for celebrating. Like I was an impostor or something. But as I look around, it occurs to me that there are really two holidays that happen at the same time. The Christian Christmas with it’s Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus. Shepherds, wisemen and angels. But there is another Christmas. The secular Christmas. A holiday of Santa Claus and Rudolph. Of Lights and food. Of gift giving.

I choose to celebrate the latter.

There are aspects of this time of year that bother me. And if I have nothing else to be thankful for on Thanksgiving, I am thankful that I do not work retail any more. No one should have to suffer through that. I have many reasons to dislike Christmas. But I choose not to let it get the best of me. I think I need Christmas, and not for the reason you might guess.

I suffer in the winter. I need the sunlight. The short days and the gray skies fill me with despair. But these last few years, the years I have celebrated Christmas my way with my family, I have found that when it seems that the darkness will overwhelm me, there is light.

There is light everywhere. Christmas Trees. Lamp post with lighted wreaths. And miles and miles of lights strung out through the neighborhoods.

Christmas is not perfect for me. I guess nothing is. But it brings light to the darkest days of the year. And for me, that is reason enough to celebrate.

I have been seriously questioning why I still doing this.

I think that most of the people who used to read this have moved on.
And writing it feels like a chore.

I go through cycles on this shit. Hot and cold.

Right now, I feeling cold.

I sit down to post something, but don’t. I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like reading the well meaning comment from people who don’t understand what I’m trying to say.

Like this post. I’m not look for someone to talk me into keep blogging. Shit. That’s the last thing I want.

When I started doing this, I wanted a place to put my thoughts out there and that was it. But it’s changed. Once people started reading, that changed everything. Then I started thinking about what the readers thought.

The problem, I suppose, is that I really don’t like people.

I really don’t. As I am sitting here trying to type this, this buffoon I work with is trying to give me his malformed opinion of a presentation/meeting we had at work. It’s taking all of the strength I have not to say, “I don’t give a shit what you think. Shut up and leave alone, can’t you see me typing here.”

I guess that makes me not a nice person. I kind of wish I were a nice person, but it doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me. I am who I am. I am a product of the events that have shaped me and there isn’t much to be done about it.

Back to the point, Blogging seems to be an interactive/community kind of thing. My general dislike for people doesn’t work well with that.

So I ask myself, should I keep doing this and just say fuck ‘em, when the other bloggers rub me the wrong way? Or should I pack it up and try something else?

I don’t know. Not right now anyway.

I’m not here to make friends. I’m not here to get your approval. I’m not here to fit in to some sort of community. And I’m not here to be judged.

I’m here to say what I think. And recently, that seems more trouble than it’s worth.

It’s Thanksgiving, which for me means food, football and family. Usually too much of the first and third and not enough of the second. But that’s how it is supposed to be.

As far as holidays go, this is one of my favorites. Although I get tired of it marking the beginning of teh Christmas ‘Season.’ Christmas is one day. It bugs me that we, as a culture, can’t seem to enjoy something on it’s own merits. We seem to need to tie it in to something else.

But it is a small irritation, it sits on the periphery and will not interfere with my day.

Sometimes it seems like I should enumerate the things I am thankful for. But I don’t work that way. The Pilgrims were thankful to their god for providing for them. My belief structure doesn’t work that way. What I have and what I do not is a combination of hard work and luck. And I’m not sure who I am supposed to be thanking. Besides, I don’t need a special occasion to tell me what I have to be happy about.

I’m to cynical for my own good, I know. But that too is on the periphery.

Today I am focused on turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy. Pumpkin pie and apple too. Parents, grandparents and kids. Brothers and sisters. Nieces and nephews. Joey Harrington’s return to Detroit and Tony Romo’s bid for greatness. Conversation and laughter.

I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving in the way that is special to your family. And if you are one of those readers from outside of the United States, you have my condolences, you are missing out. Have an extra big dinner and try to enjoy it.

Peace.

I think that what is wrong with me… and don’t doubt for a minute that something is wrong with me. What is wrong with me may be that I don’t know what I want.

Or perhaps as my wife says, “You think to much about stuff.”

It’s true. But that doesn’t matter. I can’t help it.

Warning. This post is long, boring and probably filled with self pity. If that is a problem for you go read something else.

Work is making me nuts. Not the job itself, but my co-workers. To explain…

It’s complicated. Of course it is, probably because I’ve thought about too much.

I don’t think I’ve blogged too much about this, mostly because I have no desire to whine about things here. But to understand, you have to understand the back story.

At my job, and you probably have some one like this at your job too, there is this guy. He’s an idiot. Truly. Let’s call him Buddy. To add insult to injury, unlike many of us he a College Diploma, though I can’t imagine how. He knows less about computers than most of our users. He doesn’t understand the network. He can’t multi-task. He’s a hold over from a different time. Before there was IT. He was the ‘tech.’ A hardware monkey that could set up dot matrix printers and Apple IIe’s and whatever else. No real technical skill need.

But bureaucracy works in funny ways. You promote people for working somewhere a long time, you bounce him from department to department. Until somehow, he’s a “Network Engineer.” Of course no one thinks that he could do anything remotely like what a Network Engineer needs to do. So they put him in charge of ordering parts and processing repairs. They stick him in a warehouse and forget about him.

I don’t care about any of that. Not really. It burns me a little bit that this monkey gets paid more than me. A lot more than me. But his paycheck is his business and I know that.

Our department is growing rapidly and our office is over crowded as a result. Another tech and myself get relocated out to the warehouse. Since we are onsite technicians it shouldn’t matter to much.

And it doesn’t.

So when I am at my ‘desk,’ I get to see Buddy in action. It’s a site to behold. He talks to himself, get frustrated the first time doesn’t go the way he thinks it should, and he cannot trouble shoot anything. First roadblock and he’s on the phone with a real engineer. He cusses and yells and throws temper tantrums. But we accept this, for no reason other than this is just how he is.

Life goes on. I even take a vacation. On my first day back, I come in to catch up on email and what not. Buddy is all worked up. It’s early and he’s already cussing and yelling and freaking out about something or another.

“How do you assign admin rights to a new account? This doesn’t make any sense.”

Admin rights? I ask him needs admin rights. Chris does. I find out that his son, Chris has been hired to be the Help Desk guy. There are 3 other techs in the warehouse this morning. I look to my buddy and he gives me the same puzzled look.

“Helpdesk doesn’t get admin rights.” We both say.

Buddy loses it. His face gets all red, the chords in his neck jump out.

“YOU”RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE, JECKLES! A FUCKING ASSHOLE!”

Nice. Wow. As it turns out he was trying t figure out he get Chris Rights to the Help Desk, not Admin rights. But he flipped on me. What did I do?

I walked away. I got a cup of coffee. And when I came back, I simply asked him to please interact with me in professional manner. He proceeded to explain to me what a jerk I am, and I just tuned it out.

And life goes on. Interrupted occasionally by outburst from Buddy.

Until last month.

I was sick, and had been for a while. I was running a fever. I had my laptop set up on the work bench, since some other tech had hijacked ‘my desk.’ But since I don’t really have a desk, I can’t complain. I have my headphones in and I’m trying tto work while tuning out the idiocy around me. In other words, a pretty typical day.

Buddy keeps reaching right over my head for something. I ignore once, twice, but three time is too much. Three times of having his meaty arm in front of my face. Three time of having his disgusting gut right up next to me. It’s too much.

“Do you want me to move?” I ask, making no attempt to hide my displeasure.
“I’m just trying to do my fucking job!” He screams at me.

Too much. Too much Buddy. Too much working while sick. Too much not having a desk to work at.

“What do you think I trying to do. I don’t have anywhere else to fucking sit? Do you think I Sat to fucking inconvenience you? Jesus Fucking Christ. Don’t fucking worry about it. I’ll move out of your fucking way!”

I picked up my laptop and stomped off.

Not my most shining moment, I know. But given the environment and the history I didn’t think much of it… until my boss called me in her office.

I got warned. I was told that we don’t act like that. I was told the F-Bomb was inappropriate. Somehow, I managed to not point out that she had no problem dropping the ole F-Bomb.

She asked if this was an isolated incident, I told no it wasn’t and I gave her the history.

I didn’t get in trouble beyond that. And they managed to find me a desk back in the office.

Problem solved.

Except that it is not. This is where the problem begins. Word gets around. People joke about me losing my cool. Suddenly I have a reputation as a hot head. As some one who will lose his temper at the drop of a hat.

My boss doesn’t chat with me anymore. People are careful around me.

I can’t stand it. And I think my career path here will be affected by this. My boss doesn’t think of me as reliable tech with loads of knowledge about Active Directories and everything else. She sees me as a potential liability.

And every time I hear some one say something like, “Hey Jeckles, I know that user is a total idiot, try not to yell at him.” It knocks the wind out of me. And there are comments. Some obvious. Some subtle. It makes each and every work day hell.

I am so tired. Tired of the shit. Tired of shooting myself in the foot again and again. Tired of not being able to succeed.

And I don’t see any rest in sight.

I think I’ve mentioned that before.
That was Sarcasm. We both know I’ve said it again and again.

Blogging frustrates the shit out of me.

I started reading blogs four or five years ago. I had a few that I enjoyed. Of course, with the exception of WWdN, they are all gone.

I don’t read blogs to make friends. I rarely comment. I’m not really looking to interact with the blogger. What I enjoy is a glimpse into a stranger’s life. It is voyeurism of a sort. But it is different than peeping through window and trying to catch a glimpse of someone’s life. When you read a blog, you a peeping into a person’s life, not through the window, but through their own eyes.

That is one of the oddest things about this whole blog as community concept. When you interact with people out there in the real world, you derive a perception of that person. You see their body language, you observe how they interact with different people, you hear other people comment on that person, and most of all, you have your own direct interaction with them. The sum of these experiences (and more) is your mental sketch of this person.

But here in the blogoshere, it is whole different ball of wax. Your first impression of any blogger is based on a combination of how they see themselves and how they want to be seen. By the nature of the medium, bloggers give a false picture of themselves. No matter how honest they may be in their blogging, the way that they see themselves is going to be radically different than how we perceive them.

But that’s not the part that frustrates me. That was just a tangent. Sorry about that.

I don’t want to try to read hundreds of blogs. What I want to do is find a few that resonate with me and read them. And that’s what I do. But… and this is the part that frustrates me… I find a dozen blogs or so I enjoy and go read them. And after a while some of them will stop posting. Some of will them will become less interesting to me as the blogger begins to focus on different things. Of course, I understand that they can blog about whatever they want and they should. I am not reading because I am friends with that person but because I want something interesting to read. If what you write doesn’t interest me, well you’ve got nothing for me to read. And before you know it, I have nothing to read. Then I have to go find more to read.

I am subscribed to 44 blogs in Bloglines. Yet most of those update very infrequently. And when I sit down at my computer and want to read a blog there is nothing there for me.

So I will go find more, but that is a painful process. I can’t stand most blogs. I’ll parse through the shit looking for something worth reading.

And when I find it, that blog I want to read, I’ll just have to hope that I have a little time before it one fades away.

It is, as I sit here waiting for a computer to re-image, that I question what I am doing with my life?

With my career in this case. I guess I’m tied to IT for better or worse, but this? This end user support?

I’m over-qualified for this. Is it cocky to say that? Perhaps, but it is true. I have the knowledge and intelligence to be designing enterprise scale networks. I should be a network engineer. But instead, I’m an onsite support technician. A computer re-imager and part-swapper.

You may be wondering why I don’t just leave and get another job. Honestly, I’m considering it. But, as is often the case, it is that simple. There is room for advancement here, in time. And the pay is decent. It’s close to home and I get a lot of vacation and sick time. A whole lot. And most importantly, it’s low pressure, low stress.

Do I really want to give up benefits for a more challenging job?

I don’t know. But I’m thinking it over real hard.

I was supposed to go back packing next weekend, but it looks like that fell through. I will still try to get something to together, but it isn’t looking hopeful. I only have a few more opportunities to go backpacking before I have to wait until spring. And I really wanted to get to Delaware Water Gap on the AT this year.

I got a new set of headphones for my iPod. They are Shure E2c Sound Isolating Earbuds. Basically the Earbuds are like earplugs, blocking out the sounds of the outside world and allowing you to hear just the music. They were pricey, but worth it. How good are they? To test them, I played Pink Floyd’s Great Gig in the Sky. I had known that it is rumored to have a woman’s voice saying quietly, “If you can hear this you are dying.” I had heard faintly before, but never could hear her clearly. To my surprise there was a man’s voice at the beginning saying something like, “I not afraid of Dying, why would I be afraid of dying.” In the middle of the song, near the 3:30 mark I heard her. Clearly. She said, “I never said I was afraid of dying.”

Tomorrow is election day. I couldn’t be less excited. I am really beginning to believe that Congress is broken. I don’t know that it matters who we send. And the Gubernatorial race in my great state. It’s Dumb and Dumber. I can’t stand it. I’m not even sure why I’m still planning to vote.

The Ravens are 6-2. There is much I have to say about it, but I won’t. Not yet. I don’t want to jinx them. (I’m only superstitions when it comes to Sports.)

Dork that I am, I organized my comic book collection, made a quick Access Database to keep inventory of them with, and made sure that they all had bags and boards. This proved to me a few things, other than the fact that I am a total nerd. I have weird taste. The titles I have the most of are from Marvel’s 2099 universe and the Marvel Razorline, which was the line of comic Marvel had Clive Barker create. Ever heard of them? No? You’re not alone.

Look! The computer is re-imaged and it is time for me to move on.

Bare with me, I’ve been feeling introspective today.

I think I have spent my life preparing to be disappointed by the rest of it.

Did that make any sense? Probably not.

I didn’t like being a kid. Really. I mean, sure I had some fun. But I spent a lot of time waiting.

Waiting till I’d be old enough to stay up and watch Saturday Night Live.
Waiting till I’d be old enough to watch R rated flicks.
Waiting to drive.
Waiting till I’d be old enough that girls my age thought I was cool. You know what I mean.
Waiting to be old enough to buy my own smokes.
Waiting to be old enough to drink in the bar.
Waiting to be old enough that other adults took me seriously,
Waiting to make enough money.
Waiting.

I’ve wanted to be 40 most of my life, I think.
I was too serious to be a kid.

And now I’ve almost grown in to me.

It’s not all I hoped it would be.

Am I depressed? No.

But I realize that I have no idea what I want from life. I mean no clue.

And this leaves me…

well, off balance.

And after years of practice, the conclusion that want to leap to the front of my mind, is that maybe when I’m older it will make more sense.

I can’t help but feel that this day to day bullshit that I endure is meaningless. That I should pack up the wife and kids and just go. Screw having a job. Screw worrying about money, mortgages and bills.

Just go live.

But I can’t. The “what if’s” rush in anytime my mind wanders down that path.

So here I am. Waiting for something more.

The ironic thing is that I have so much to say.

And yet, many of you would look at this blog and have no idea.

I have so much I want to say, but it is more than just typing out a bunch of words. It’s not words that I am trying to get out here.

It’s ideas.

And that is harder. At least for a no talent hack like me.

I could just sit down at the keyboard and start typing what’s in my head, but that would not give me what I’m looking for.

I’ve learned a lot over the last two years about writing and expressing myself. It’s a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be.

But still, I have to.

It’s why I do this. I’m not looking friends or a sense of community.

I’m try to get these ideas out of my head and out to some one. Anyone.

And let’s be honest, I’m looking for a little feedback.

Sometimes I think that if I could just get my thoughts across, clearly… If I could do that just once, I could stop. I could stop writing all together.

Maybe that’s the thing. Maybe I’m just trying to get a piece of me out there for you. And I keep failing.

Or maybe all of this is just pretentious bullshit.

An inaccurate and incomplete history of Mango Radio according to me.

I’m going to start my own Radio Station. It’s going to be great!

That was the announcement that Marc made. It’s been two years now, I guess. I don’t even know this guy. Just some dude on the Internet. He does start it. Mango Radio, he calls it. That’s his nickname, Mango. It’s a play on his last name. It’s long story. I’m beginning to learn this about Marc. It’s usually a long story.

The station is up. It plays music 24 hours a day. But that alone wouldn’t make it worth writing about.

“Hey man.” Marc IM’s me. “I’m live on the air. Come check it out.”

And I do. I listen as he talks about other people on the Internet. And his job. And growing up in Buffalo. It’s captivating. Listening to this dude just talk about shit. While I listen. Not just me. There is a couple from Ohio. And a chick from Vegas. And Karl.

“Hey Jeck. I’d like to dedicate this song to Finslippy.” He says. And he plays “Somebody Hates Me” by Reel Big Fish. I find myself laughing out loud. It’s funny. An inside joke. I love it.

But after a few months of this it gets stale. I mean, how many times can I tune in and listen to the same songs. Maybe he’s running out of stories. Hell, I could be watching TV. Okay, I couldn’t do that. But you get my point.

“I’m making Big Changes at Mango Radio.” Marc announces. “I’m bringing in other DJ’s to do their own shows. To mix it up.”

A good idea. He announces the DJs. Monogodo. Will Thrasher. Joe. Crash. And Webkittyn. Will Thrasher and WebKittyn have real radio experience and Monogodo has thousands of songs in his library. Crash is Karl in disguise and Joe… Well I don’t know. They will pre-record their shows and Marc will play them at pre-designated times.

“You can do a show if you want, Jeck.”
“No thanks.”

I mean… hell. I’m out classed here. But…

But I want to do a show. I know I can do it. But I don’t want to be laughed off the Internet. I read discussions on the Mango Radio Forum board. The DJ’s are having Technical trouble. Trouble Organizing their music just right. Trouble finding free time. Trouble making their shows just right.

The thought nags in my head. I can do this. But what to do for a show. I don’t know what the fuck to talk about.

An audio companion to the Shitty Blogs Club. That’s it. I recorded 30-some minutes of me babbling. I edited the worst of it out and threw in some music. I mixed it into an mp3 and sent it to Marc.

Ironically, it was the First show to get submitted. And the First to get played. I cringe as I hear my voice on the Internet. Marc says he loves it.

“I had no idea what to expect.” He keeps telling me.

Other Shows follow. Webkittyn Wednesdays, an 80’s music Show. Monogodo’s show. Will Thrasher. They all have some degree of popularity. Some more than others. Some lasted. Some did not. New names were added to the line up. Doom, Utopia, Riss, Chaos Radio. Some lasted. Some didn’t.

The ironic thing, to me, was that almost all of this shows had that same format, talk about this or that and play some music. Sure we each put own stamp on it, but it was variations on a theme.

The thing is Mango still wasn’t happy. He was hoping for the big time. Maybe even get picked up by XM or something. Oh, I’m sure that deep down he knew that was a pipe dream, but still he hoped.

He quit doing a show. And the station kept trucking with out him. He started his show again and nothing much changed.

But in the end, when it came time to renew the contract on the station and to renew the domains, he decided it wasn’t worth the money. And, of course he’s right.

So it’s over. As of Thursday.

But I think that someday, that format will catch on. That psuedo-audioblogging combined with music. I hope when it does, they call it Mango Radio.

In case you don’t know… I have been doing this dumbass ‘Internet Radio Show’ for the last year or so. The imaginary Internet Radio Station that it aired on is going off the ‘air.’ If you want more information go here.

I guess all of this has me thinking about the nature the Internet, as I know it, and the nature of blogging. Which has been an ongoing theme for me. Who knows, maybe I’ll write something about this soon.

The Family and I went on road trip to the Lehigh Gap in Pennsylvania. We climbed the mountain and I took a couple hundred pictures. Maybe someday, I’ll find the time to organize and do something with all of these pictures I keep taking.

I still like my truck. It isn’t very fuel efficient and I guess that makes me a bad person, but I don’t drive far on any given day and I’ll gladly pay more to drive the vehicle I want to drive.

On a related note, I passed an SUV with a bumper sticker that said “High Gas Prices Stink!” I hate them.

I think I will carve a few pumpkins this year. I’m not half bad at it. I was going to link to the photos of last year’s attempts. But it looks like they were lost when BlogCafe went down. I’m sure I have them on this computer somewhere, but… Anyhow. I’ll find ‘em and include them.

I had no idea I liked the Grateful Dead so much. I’ve recently got a bunch of Dead to listen to. I like it. I wish I would have realized that while Jerry Garcia was still alive.

I have a headache.

I used to think that maybe I could be a writer. I got over it.

I am still struggling to figure out how I am supposed to do all the things I want to to do, in the time that I have to do them.

I think that North Korea possessing Nuclear technology may be the single greatest threat to the stability of our world.

I am glad I discovered the Sleuth Channel. Miami Vice is better than anything that the networks are offering these days. Between that, M*A*S*H on Hallmark, and Star Trek on G4; I have all the TV I need.

And as they say on M*A*S*H…

That is all.

Five years ago…

A lifetime ago in some ways.
A different world in many ways.

Five years ago the greatest single tragedy of my lifetime occurred.
I am sure that many will speak of politics, of terror, and patriotism.

I will speak of none of those things.

Five years ago in a very short time frame 2996 voices were silenced.

One of those voices belonged to Luke Rambousek.
He was 27 years old.
He had a passion for Techno Music. Every year he invited friends to his parent’s vacation home in Pennsylvania. They would camp out and indulge in mountains of junk food all day. They would party all night, with Luke manning the turntables himself.

He came from a family with loving parents.
A family with proud Czech heritage.

I have never met Luke.
Never spoke to his parents.

But on September 11, I will mourn his passing.

You are not forgotten Luke.

The victims of 9-11 are not statistics, but fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives who one tragic day, never came home.

Visit the 2996 page to see more tributes.
2,996 (Technorati Tag)